My computer didn't work!  It didn't print, it crashed, it ate my disk, it 
destroyed my paper?  Why?????

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- If you're a Protestant, it didn't work because you haven't worked hard 
    enough.

- If you're a Catholic, it didn't work because you have SINNED.

- If you're a Jew, it didn't work because you bought a cheap computer.

- If you're a Taoist, it didn't work because that is the way. If it did 
    work, that is the way as well.

- If you're a Pagan, it didn't work because you prayed to the wrong gods.

- If you're a feminst, it didn't work because the computer was designed by 
    sexist, oppressive, euro-centric white protestant males who think in 
    patriarichal phallic designs, and the mouse is an obvious example of that.

- If you're a sexist, oppressive, euro-centric white protestant male, it 
    didn't work because only cute, submissive, low-intelligence secretaries 
    (women who haven't had their children, yet, of course) who actually USE 
    computers.

- If you're a jock, it didn't work because you don't save it by REALLY  
    "hitting" the return key..

- If you're a DOOM freak, it didn't work because you used the BFG on it.

- If you're redhead,  it didn't work because you pulled the plug out when 
    you got angry at it.
- If you're brunette, it didn't work because you accidentally pulled the 
    plug. 
- If you're blond, it didn't work because you didn't plug it in.

- If you're a  MAGIC:THE GATHERING(tm) player, it didn't work because you 
    didn't tap it. 

- If you're a music major, it didn't work because you were using the wrong key.

- If you're drunk, it didn't work because you pushed the 5th enter key 
    instead of the 8th. 
- If you're on valium, it didn't work because you haven't turned it on yet.
- If you're on pot, it'll work eventually.
- If you're on speed, it didn't work because the computer is so slow.
- If you're on herion, it didn't work because you're looking at the 
    telephone, not the computer. 
- If you're on LSD, purple.
- If you're on crack, it didn't work because you're dead. 

- If you're a philosophy major, working or not working is all relative. Or 
    is it?

- If you're a math major, you have to prove it didn't work.

- If you're on the FAR SIDE, it did work - you just haven't figured it 
    out yet.