------------------------------------------------------------------------- A young boy walks into his parents bedroom, only to find them having a roll in the hay. "Dad, what are you doing?" asks the boy. "Playing poker, son." "What about Mom?" "She's my wild card." "Oh, okay." Thus satisfied, the boy goes into the next bedroom, only to catch his visiting aunt and uncle in the act. "Uncle Dave, what are you doing?" "Playing poker." "What about Aunt Lynn?" "She's my wild card." "Oh, okay." Once again, the boy goes on his merry way. The next day, the boy's father walks into the bathroom only to find the boy masturbating. "Son, what are you doing?" "Playing poker." "Well, where's your wild card?" "Dad, with a hand like this, who needs wild cards?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man goes to the doctor and says: Man> "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?" Doc> "I think that is a wose decision. Let's see, do you smoke?" Man> "Oh.. half a pack a day." Doc> "Starting NOW no more smoking." The man agrees. The doctor then asks: Doc> "Do you drink?" Man> "Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while" Doc> "Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions." The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The doctor continues: Doc> "How do you eat?" Man> "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff." Doc> "Starting now you are going on a very strict diet: you are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese." The man is now really worried. Man> "Doc, is all this really necessary?" Doc> "Do you want to live long?" Man> "Yes." Doc> "Absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet." The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues: Doc> "Do you have sex?" Man> "Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly Doc> "As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None." The man is appalled. Man> "Doc... are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?" Doc> "I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy asks a LA girl out on a date after meeting her in a bar. She says "What kind of car do you drive?". He replies " A VW Bug". She scornfully says " That's awfully small!" and he replies, "Don't worry, I'm not going to fuck you with the car". ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Friends, There are many people, who, for no fault of their own, are forced to write in COBOL. Whereas some of us work out 2 plus 2 by saying "PRINT 2+2" or something equally laconic (indeed the older ones amongst us can actually do such calculations in our heads), COBOL sufferers have to say "ADD 2 TO 2 GIVING THE ANSWER, PLEASE, NICE MR COMPUTER, AND SEND ME A MEMO ABOUT IT IN TIME FOR THE BOARD MEETING" So what can we do for these people? One answer is therapy. Here is a typical case study of a sufferer locked away in solitary confinement with nothing but IBM manuals to keep him company. Day 1: Subject persistently screaming for Oxford English Dictionary (20-odd volumes). Gnawed three of his toes off when this request denied. Day 2: Subject very subdued, and starts compiling his own dictionary from bits of bed linen and stale soup. Day 3: Subject befriends a wasp in the cell, and starts asking it to add two and two. Day 4: First breakthrough. Subject reads IBM manual. Day 5: Subject complains that his bed needs emergency engineering. Day 6: Subject tears up his dictionary and starts listing abend codes. Day 7: Success. Subject says "ICH 9000I Good morning" when his warder brings him a bowl of porridge. ... as you can see, there is some way to go before a complete cure can be guaranteed. Meanwhile send lots of money to me. This is nothing to do with the campaign, I just want some money. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Description: Finite state machine description of love affairs: This is actually stuff which I mailed to some friends which is being sent to you upon their recommendation. Summary of present research and results: STATE TRACING: Examples of Stable Systems: (1) Standard Student Affairs: Nothing -> Interest -> Dating -> Love -> Deep Love -> Love / Lust -> Deep Lust -> Too Deep -> Major Blowout -> Nothing -> Nothing -> Nothing .. (2) Good Catholic Affairs: Nothing -> Interest -> Marriage -> Wedding Night -> Nothing -> Nothing -> Nothing ....... ( Sorry, but I am Church of England afterall ) (3) Standard Anglican Affairs: Nothing -> Interest -> Love -> Lust -> Affair -> 5 months -> Marriage -> Lust -> 4 months -> Deep Love -> Love / Work -> Work -> Affair -> Affair -> Affair -> ........ Example of Unstable ( oscillatory ) System: (4) The Indeterminate System: / -> Love -> Deep Love | Nothing -> Interest -> Friendship -| |-> Let's \ -> Friendship -> What ??? | | -> Pain \ straighten thing out conversation ->| |-> Nothing -> Friendship | -> Relief / / -> Lust (?) ->| ???? Simulation still running \ -> ????? Finite State Machine Description of Damped System: (5) Movie Star: Nothing -> Movie Contract -> Stunning Supporting Lead Actor/Actress -> Affair -> Publicity -> Marriage -> 4 weeks -> Divorse -> Hearing -> Destitute -> B grade Movie Contract -> Good Support Lead Actor/Actress -> Affair -> Some Publicity -> Marriage -> 4 months -> Divorse -> Hearing -> Destitute -> C grade Movie Contract -> Supporting Actor/Actress -> Drugs -> Affair -> Who Cares ?? -> DeFacto Relationship -> NOTHING ->NOTHing -> Nothing ..... Reduced Finite State Machine Theory for Critically Damped Systems: (6) Predicted Step Response Description: Nothing -> Friendship -> Love -> power down -> power up -> Latch up state: Hate -> Friendship -> Friendship ....... At present, empirical data is being gathered to support this theory. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- This joke must be seen, so here are the instructions on how to perform it. Get a banana and an audience. Peel banana and ask, "How does a nun eat a banana?" Nibble delicately at end of banana. Then ask, "How does a hooker eat a banana?" Slide most of banana into puckered mouth. Finally ask, "How does a housewife eat a banana?" Grasp back of head with free hand and slam face onto banana. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A old man moves to Florida after retiring. His wife has passed away and he feels he should relax for his last few years. He decides to go look around the local nudist colony to see if he is interested in joining. When he arrives at the park he strips down and goes walking around the place. Eventually he sits down on a park bench to watch a volleyball game and begins to get an erection. Immediately a beautiful red head comes along and has sex with him. The old man then runs to the office to sign up. After becoming a member he goes back out to walk around some more. While out walking he drops his cigar. Immediately a tall man comes up and has sex with him. The old man then runs to the office and asks for his money back. The manager asks why the change of heart when he was so thrilled about the place an hour ago. The old man responds "At my age,I get an erection once a week, but I drop my cigar 5 times a day." ----------------------------------------------------------- These two Polish hunters are out in the woods. They are lucky enough to bag a moose -- a really big buck with a nice spread of antlers. Flushed with satisfaction and eager to get their trophy home, they proceed to grab hold of the moose's tail and start pulling the carcass out of the woods. They pull and pull and pull but it won't budge. Finally a fellow hunter comes by and says, "Excuse me for offering some advice -- but you might find it easier to haul that thing by the horns." The two Polish hunters are ecstatic to hear this! Thanking the visitor heartily, they each grab an antler and start pulling. A few hours later the fellow hunter passes by again and sees the two tired Polish hunters still at it, slowly but steadily pulling their moose by its horns through the woods. "How's it going?" he asks. "Great!" they reply. "We only have one problem: we are getting farther and farther away from our car." --------------------------------------------------------------------- Duck Hunter #1, standing knee-deep in the marsh and watching flock after flock pass overhead: "I wonder why we're not getting any ducks." Duck Hunter #2: "Maybe we're just not throwing the dog high enough." --------------------------------------------------------------------- A drunk came staggering out of a bar where he proceeded to stumble into a *very* proper looking Nun. "You should be ashamed of yourself", she scolded him, "why just look at the disgusting condition you're in. I will never be able to understand why you would degrade yourself so!" "Weeeelll", said the drunk (wiping the drool from his beard), "if yooouuu wud trah, try it soomee, sometime, you wud uhn, und, know!" "Alright", said the Sister, "bring me a drink and I'll try it! But bring it to me in a plastic cup." [Propriety, you know?] At that, the drunk random walked his way back into the bar and shouted to the bartender that he needed a drink, to go, in a plastic cup. "What!" Cried the bartender, "is that nun here again?" --------------------------------------------------------------------- If a male and a female have to get a marriage licence before they married, what do two lesbians have to get before getting married? A liquor licence --------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do doctors slap babies on the behind when they are born? To knock the penises off of the stupid ones. --------------------------------------------------------------------- THE CANONICAL LIST OF SORORITY GIRL JOKES: What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive? Her ankles. What is the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball? You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball. You could eat a bowling ball if you had to. You can't fit a sorority girl inside a bowling ball. How are a sorority girl and a bowling ball alike? You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter and they always come back for more. What is the difference between sorority girls and hookers ? Sorority girls cost less per score. What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant? About 40 lbs. How do you equalize the two? Feed the elephant. What's the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning? Introduce herself. Walks home. What's the difference between a sorority girl and the Titanic? Only 1500 went down on the Titanic. How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm? She drops her nail file. What's a sorority girl's favorite wine? "Daaadddy, I want to go to mi-ammmmi." What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an ape? Don't know. There is only so much an ape can be forced to do... Why is a sorority girl like a door knob? 'Cause everyone gets a turn. How do you get a sorority girl in your bed? Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door and throw a twinkie on the bed. Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll? You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand. What's the difference between sorority girls and garbage? Garbage gets taken out once a week. What do you call 100 sorority girls sun-bathing on a beach in Cuba? Bay of Pigs. What is a sorority girl's mating call... "I'm soooo drunk, I'm sooooo drunk!" What is the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet? After you use a toilet it doesn't follow you around for three days. What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl?? Nothing. There are some things a sorority girl won't do. I don't know, but it sure enjoys screwing people. I don't know, but when it sucks your cock, it does't stop until it gets blood. 1) Tri Delts; I'm sure everyone else has. 2) If your date won't, Tri Delts. 3) Once you've tried everyone else, Tri Delts. and 2) __________ __________ \ / /\ \ / \ / / \ \ / \ / / \ \ / \ / / \ \ / \/ /________\ \/ Tri Delts: Two out of three go down. What do fraternity boys call hemorrhoids ? Speed bumps. What's the difference between a sorority girl and a dog ? Drivers will swerve to miss the dog. How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call Daaaaddy. 65, 1 to do it and 64 to sing and clap. One. She holds on to it and the world revolves around her. Ten. Nine to stand around scratching their heads, and one to get her boyfriend to do it. Why is a sorority girl like railroad tracks? She's been laid all over the country. What three words will a sorority girl never hear? "Attention K-mart shoppers" Why does a sorority girl close her eyes during sex? So she can fantasize about shopping. What is a sorority girl's favorite sexual position? Facing Bloomingdale's. What's the difference between Jell-o and a sorority girl? Jell-o wiggles when you eat it. What do you call a sorority girl's waterbed? The Dead Sea (Lake Placid is also OK). How can you tell if a sorority girl's a nymphomaniac? She'll make love the same day she has her hair done. What's a sorority girl's idea of natural childbirth? No makeup. What's the difference between a sorority girl and a barracuda? Nail polish. How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex? Marry her. Whats the difference between a sorority girl and a broom closet? Only 2 men fit inside a broom closet at once What's the difference between a telephone booth and a sorority girl? You don't need a quarter for the sorority girl. What's the difference between a sorority and a circus? A circus is a cunning array of stunts. What's the difference between a sorority girl and garbage? Garbage smells better. What' the difference between a sorority girl and a vacuum cleaner? Nothing. They both suck. You can buy a new vacuum when you get sick of it. You can buy a new vacuum when it no longer sucks. When a vacuum cleaner is full of sh*t, its easy to dump the old bag. A vacuum cleaner can't suck a golf ball through a garden hose. How do you get four sorority girls on one chair? Tell them there's a rich guy sitting on it. Turn the chair upside down and put one sorority girl on each leg. What's the difference between a tribe of sly pygmies and a sorority girl track team? The tribe of sly pygmies is a bunch of cunning runts. What is the difference between a sorority girl and a rooster? In the morning a rooster says "cock-a-doodle-doo", while a sorority girl says "any-cock'll-do" What do you call 24 sorority girls walking down the street? A case of Schlitz. What's the difference between a sorority girl and parsely? You don't eat parsely. Why are a sorority girl and a tampon similar? They are both stuck up cunts. What does a frat boy say to a girl that refuses him? "Have another beer." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Do you know what a 'rodeo fuck' is? Your wife/girlfriend gets on all fours. You mount up, making sure you have a good grip. Then you say, "Honey, you're the worst piece of ass I ever had!" Then you try to hold on for 8 seconds. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the frozen seat, and they go. When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A young boy and his mother are standing in a grocery store behind a large woman who is wearing a beeper on her belt. Suddenly, the beeper goes off. The little boy cries, "Careful, Mommy -- she's backing up!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you know that they just invented a male birth control pill? You take on the next morning and it changes your blood type. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red- blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city- slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job." The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!" Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell!! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!!" --------------------------------------------------------------------- A new priest was so afraid at his first Mass, that he hardly spoke. So, after the Mass, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor told him that it might help him to relax if he would put martinis in the water pitcher, and after a few sips, he should relax. The next week the young priest followed instructions and really talked up a storm. After the sermon, he asked his superior how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "Fine, but there are a few things you should keep in mind before you address the Congregation again. They are.... 1. Next time, sip the martinis! Don't gulp them by the glassful. 2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 Disciples, not 10. 4. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 5. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the "Late J. C.". 6. We don't refer to our Savior and his Disiples as "J. C. and the boys". 7. We do not refer to the Cross as the "Big T". 8. Next Sunday, there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's; not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's. 9. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as Big Daddy, Junior, and The Spook. 10. And last, but not least, it is the VIRGIN MARY, NOT "MARY with the CHERRY". --------------------------------------------------------------------------- A couple had been married 50 years when they died together in an auto accident and they played golf together every day of their married life. When they got to heaven St. Peter was showing them around. Here is your condo on the course, outside is a golf cart at your disposal with a wet bar and cd player. In back are custom made clubs with a supply of balls and tees. If you lose them new ones will appear. You can play our courses day or night as much as you desire.... After the whole spiel the husband turns to the wife and says "I could have been here 20 years ago if you hadn't been forcing those damned oat bran muffins on me". --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do mice have such small balls? Not many mice know how to dance. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- He-- It's coming up on your birthday and I'd like some idea of what you'd like for your birthday. She-- I want a divorce!! Pause-- He-- I'm really sorry, but I hadn't planned to spend that much ----------------------------------------------------------------------- William F. Buckley, Donald Trump, The Pope an a hippy were all flyin across the mountains in a small single engine plane. Suddenly the pilot comes back and says "We've run out of fuel, we're going down, and there are only four parachutes. This one is mine. Bye." He turns and jumps out of the plane. Donald Trump grabs one of the parachutes. "I'm the richest man in the world ... I can't die like this. I'm taking one of the parachutes." He turns and jumps out of the plane. William F. Buckley grabs a parachute. "I'm the smartest man in the world ... I can't die like this. I'm taking one of the parachutes." He turns and jumps out of the plane. The Pope looks at the hippy. "Listen Son," he says. "There's only one parachute left, and I'm an old man. You have your life ahead of you. Take the last parachute". The hippy looks at the Pope. "Don't sweat it man. We're both saved. The "smartest man in the world" just jumped with my backpack." ------------------------------------------------------------------ The evangelist had prayed and prayed, but the hurricane hit anyway. The rains came, the dam overflowed and burst, and the town was right in the flood plain. Confident in his faith, however, the evangelist sat on his porch. Soon the water was lapping at the floorboards, and a man in a rowboat came by. "Reverend, get in the boat and I'll take you to high ground" said the man. The evangelist shook his head. "No, I'll stay right here. The LORD will protect me." The man in the rowboat left, and the water continued to rise. Soon the evangelist found he had to go inside, and to the second story of his house to get away from the water. A state police officer came by in a power boat. "Reverend, what are you doing here? Quick, get in and I will take you to higher ground" The evangelist shook his head. "No, I'll stay right here. The LORD will protect me." The police officer had better things to do then argue with the man, so he left. The water continued to rise. Soon the evangelist found he had to go to the roof to avoid the rising water. A National Guard helicopter came by. "Reverend, grab this rope and we'll pull you up and take you to high ground" said the Guardsman. The evangelist shook his head. "No, I'll stay right here. The LORD will protect me." Well, the Guard helicopter left, the water kept rising, and there wasn't anyplace left for the evangelist to go. He drowns, and finds himself standing at the Pearly Gates ... waiting in line for his interview with Saint Peter. "Why did the Lord abandon me?" asked the evangelist. "Haven't I been a true and loyal follower of the Lord all my life? Why did I have to die in that flood? Why didn't the Lord protect me?" Saint Peter looked at the evangelist. "We sent two boats and a helicopter ... what MORE did you want?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- } No, I don't hate you because you are beautiful. I hate you because: } } you sleep on MY side of the bed. } you have those ghastly running sores on your buttocks. } you eat creamed corn with your mouth wide open. } every time you speak, you shower me with saliva. } you leave the cap on the toothpaste off. } you vote Republican or Democrat, depending on your horoscope. } your stupid poodle Fluffy piddles on my terminal. } you have four toes on your left foot, and six on your right. } you think tuna fish and peanut butter casserole is a "delicacy." } your nose runs... sideways. } your elbows go the wrong way. } you have that third breast... in your armpit. } you fart in polite company. } you smoke those god-awful Cigarillos. } you spit for distance on trans-Atlantic airplane flights. } you like "New Kids on the Block." } you enjoy pouring raw sewage into people's swimming pools. } you have that nasty hacking cough. } you mistake everybody for Alan Funt. } you are a member of "Quayle '92." } } Aside from that, you're OK, I guess... } -------------------------------------------------------------------------- > What do you know about AT&T's new operating system, "Plan 9"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Aah! A question worthy of my time. Plan 9, as far as operating systems } go, has a very interesting story. The homeboys down at Bell Labs } decided that Unix as it is today is inherently boring, so a major } rewrite was needed. } } They started with the most advanced Unix kernel they could get their } hands on. Of course, they couldn't use any BSD code, so they binary } patched their copy of Unix 3.51m, the 3B1 operating system. This } guaranteed a solid base to work from. } } Many concepts were re-appraised. Things like virtual memory was } completely rewritten. In Plan 9, it is no longer done in hardware _nor_ } in software. Nowadays, virtual memory is handled solely in the user's } mind. It seems that if _your_ memory forgets about the job, the machine } can safely forget about it also. This frees up valuable resources. For } those users who stubbornly refused to give up paging, a combined C/A/T } phototypesetter and OCR system was devised. Swapping was left for } swap-meets and flea markets. } } New device drivers were written. There is now support for 8-track tape. } This is a major improvement over the conventional 9-track tapes. } Problems such as detecting end of tape were eliminated. Filesystems } could now be created on tape, since seek time could be cut down. Tape } filesystems now allowed for the deletion of hard disk support. Kernel } size dropped from 2 megs down to 20K. There is, however, optional } support for Macintosh 800K floppy disks if you feel so inclined to use } them. Mice are considered passe, so Plan 9 now has an interface for } gerbils and hamsters. The next release will also support subway rat, } for those "power users" out there. } } Necessary facilities such as netnews, mail, and GIF decoding were moved } into kernel space (where it belonged in the first place). Process } communication was delegated to the email system. To avoid problems with } the Moral Majority, most system daemons have either been exorcised or } renamed as saints and angels. The name daemon, for example, is now } called St_Peter. } } The online manual is now printed in greek, to conform with most users' } comments that it looked like greek in the first place. To avoid further } confusion over the differing manual sections, there are now just 2 } categories - 'us' (for routines that can only be used by Bell Labs } personnel) and 'them' (for everything else). } } There are many other changes, but most require you to hold a source code } licence to know about it. Now, the Oracle would never want to get his } loyal followers into hot water with Ma Bell, would he? Of course not. } } If you are still interested in Plan 9 (from New Jersey), you can call } 1-800-HI-D00DZ for more information and fees. You owe the } Oracle a Plan 9 port for the VIC-20. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- There once was a potato family. Mother potato, Father potato and three daughter potatos. Upon reaching their maturity the three girl potatos set out to seek fame and fortune and perhaps husbands. Some months later the eldest daughter returns triumphant. "I an going to marry a Maine potato". Well the father thought this was very good, old established American stock and all that, execellent addition to the family. Soon afterwards the second daughter returns. "I'm going to marry an Idaho potato" she announces. Well father and mother potato arent quite so thrilled about this one but they figure that perhaps the new blood from the west will help the family, so they give their blessings Finally the youngest potato daughter returns and says to her parents: "I'm going to marry Dan Rather" Both parents are horrified, taken aback, agast etc. "Why you can't marry Dan Rather" Shrills the momma potato "you can't marry him, he, why he is only a commentator" --------------------------------------------------------------------- A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, "Who was the greatest man that ever lived?" A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country." The teacher replies, "Well...that's a good answer, but that's not the answer I am looking for." Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war." ... "Well, that's another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for." Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived." The teacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. "Yes!", she says, that's the answer I was looking for." She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop. Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. He says "Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?" The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it's Moses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- From an textbook on object-oriented programming discussing encapsulation--the hiding of details of an implementation: (...) C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each other's private parts. -Grady Booch "Object Oriented Design with Applications" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Many people don't know that Johann Sebastian Bach, besides being a famous organist and composer, was also the best organ builder of his time. His organs were beautifully crafted and sheer joy to play. It was universally agreed, though, that what really set his organs apart from all the other organ builder's instruments was the exquisite tonal beauty and variety of the stops on his organs. (For those who don't know, an organ stop is a single set or rank of pipes that spans the whole keyboard. A pipe organ typically has many stops, each with a different tonal quality, thus affording the organ great versatility in the way it sounds.) Consequently, everyone wanted a Bach organ, and all the other organ builders were being driven out of business. The other organ builders tried and tried to learn Bach's secret method for building such beautiful stops. He refused to tell it. He was so jealous that he even refused to let the others examine the pipes he made, fearing they would be able to figure out his secret. Desperate, the organ builders met to try to figure out a way to get their hands on some of the stops. Various suggestions were made and rejected. Finally, one of them got a brilliant idea. "Why not announce a contest?" he said. "We'll give a prize to anyone who sends in two Bach stops!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful; they come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it. Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden. Neighbor: Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much? Ed: Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute... What's the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems...? Neighbor: You mean a rose? Ed: Yeah, that's it...(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor's name? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 13 Mar 94 19:30:04 EST Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny From: sam@compsci.stirling.ac.uk (Sam Nelson) Subject: What's in a name? A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up "I can see you, and so can Jesus!" Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No-one there at all, so he goes back to his business. "I can see you, and so can Jesus!" The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a budgie, who pipes up again "I can see you, and so can Jesus!" "So what", says the burglar, "You're only a budgie!" To which the budgie replies "Maybe, but Jesus is a Rottweiler!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?" The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp." "Wow," the first guy says, "did you get a BJ?" "No," says the second friend. "I couldn't find her head." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, however, knowing that he could be a bit crude at times, but eventually his turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnny. "Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?" "Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A newly established lawyer, wanting to impress the first client coming into his office, picked up the phone and said, "I'm sorry, but I have a tremendous case load and won't be able to look into this for at least a month." He then hung up, turned to the young man in his office and asked, "What can I do for you, sir?" "Nothing," replied the young man. "I'm just here to hook up your phone." -----------------------------------------------------------------------------