------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What's worse than a male chauvinist? A: A woman who won't do what she's told! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess? A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says: "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Once there was this frog who walked into a bank and went straight for the managers office. Now the managers name was Patrick Black and he was a mean guy. He was ready to stomp on the frog when the frog spoke up and asked for a loan. Mr. Black was so surprised that the frog could speak that he agreed to the lan if the frog could come up with some collateral. Mr Black meanwhile calls in his assistant to see what's going on. The frog promptly pulls out a little glass figurine and places it on the bankers desk. "What's that" asked Mr. Black? What did the assistant say to Mr. Black? "It's a knick knack Patty Black, give the frog a loan". ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a wealthy Jewish (non-Christian) who owned a nail company. His only son had just graduated from college and the father wanted to get him involved in the company. He initially farmed the young man out to each of the departments; first research & development, then manufacturing, then sales, and in each the son was a dismal failure. Determined to find a place for his offspring, the father decided that his son needed his own project. So the father placed his son in charge of the new advertising campaign. He told him that he would have no supervision and that any and all resources which he needed would be placed at his disposal. The son was elated and immediately set off to make his father proud. Four weeks later the son proudly proclaimed, "I have finished!" and he and his father went out to examine the first product of the new campaign: a billboard. As they drove to the sight, the son explained how he had been blocked until a sudden insight had leaped into his head. They turned the corner and to the father's horror the billboard portrayed Christ on a cross with the caption: "Even Then They Used Goldberg Nails." The father explained to the son that they couldn't portray Christ on a cross as it might offend their christian clients. Dejected, the son said that he would fix the problem and report back to his father. One week later the son again exclaimed that he was "finished," and took his father off to see the billboard. Sure enough, Christ was no longer on the cross; he was lying at the base of the cross and the caption read: "This Wouldn't Happen With Goldberg Nails" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt great. Anyway, he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says: "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware." -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: How do you play religious roulette? A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck by lightning first. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q. What do you do if a Pit bull mounts your leg A. Fake an orgasm ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex: 1st: Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old! 2nd: You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret? 1st: Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding! So the second old man rushed to the store. Clerk: May I help you? Old man: Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please. Clerk: That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done! Old man: Damn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ In a nearly empty London bar on a filthy winter's day, there were several patrons quietly drinking when in comes your stereotypical American visitor, obviously unimpressed by the country, its weather and everything else about it. He says loudly: "What a lousy country. The bars are shut half the time, it's cold, wet and windy, the beer tastes like piss and is served at the same temperature, the streets are packed and you can't even get a cab". Several people quietly leave. He looks at a gentleman quietly sipping a pink gin and says: "Hey, limey: how can you bear to live in such a miserable place?" He is ignored, more people leave. After much more of this only the gentleman with the pink gin, the barman and the American are left. He says: "Hey, limey: I'm talking to you. I've been to damn near every country in the world and this is the lousiest. I dunno how you can bear to live here. This country is just the arsehole of the world". The gentleman with the pink gin pauses, takes another sip and, turning, delicately enquires of the American: "Oh, yes. Just passing through, are you?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- After the good Lord had finished creating the world, he came up to man and offered him 20 years of sex. Man wanted more and objected, but the Lord said no, I have only 20 years to give you. The Lord then went to the Monkey and and offered him 20 years of sex. The Monkey replied, "I only need ten years." When Man heard this, he asked the Lord if he could have the Monkey's other ten years. The Monkey agreed, so the Lord gave Man the Monkey's extra ten years. The Lord next went to the Lion and offered him his 20 years of sex. The Lion also replied that he only needed ten years. Once again, man found out and asked the Lord, "Can I have the lion's extra ten years?" The Lion agreed, so the Lord gave Man the Lion's extra years. Lastly, the Lord came to the Donkey and offered him 20 years of sex. Once again, the animal replied "I will be happy with only ten years." Man of course found out and requested the extra years. The Lord being kind and gracious, once again granted Man's request. This is why man has 20 years of good sex, spends ten years monkeying around, ten years liein' about it, and spends ten years making an ass of himself. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What occupies the last 6 pages of the Yugo Owner's Manual? A. The bus and train timetables. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What do you call a Yugo on top of a hill? A. A bloody miracle. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A little boy is leaving school at the end of the day. As he strolls along the sidewalk, a car pulls up to the curb, and a man winds down the window. "Hey, kid, I've got candy in my car. Hop in and I'll give it to you." "No. I'm not going to." The boy walks on. Further down the road, the car pulls over again. "Hey there kid, if you get in my car, I'll give you all this candy, and a big bottle of cola. How about it ?" "No way ! Now leave me alone !" The boy walks on, quickening his pace. The car again pulls over beside him. "Look, kid, I've got a puppy at home you'd love to see. Get in and I'll take you there. You can have all the candy and the cola on the way. What d'you say to that ?" The boy is getting agitated. He stops walking, and leans down to the car window. "Look, I don't care what you promise me Dad, I'm NOT riding in your Yugo!" --------------------------------------------------------------------- In a small town, there were three insurance companies. One of them started an advertising campaign with the slogan: "We'll insure you from cradle to grave" The second company answered with its own new slogan: "We'll insure you from womb to tomb" But then the third company invented its new slogan: "We'll insure you from erection to resurrection!" --------------------------------------------------------------------- There once was a man named Benny. Benny was a fisherman, and a very good one. Well, Benny had only done lake fishing, and decided he wanted to learn how to do some fly-fishing. So he went off, bought all the neccessary equipment, took a crash course in fly-fishing, and then went out to try his luck. Well, the day came, and Benny was out in the stream bright and early in the morning. The morning changed into afternoon, and then into evening, but Benny couldn't catch a single fish. Feeling quite dejected, (but not totaly) he packed it up for the day. Next morning, he was out bright and early. By mid-afternoon, he still hadn't caught anything, so he decided to pack it in. As he trudged to the shore, he mumbled "Boy, I'd give anything to be a good fly-fisherman." Suddenly, a mist appeared on the water, and a Genie appeared. "I can grant you that wish, Benny, for a small price." "Sorry", replied Benny, "My eternal soul is not for sale." "Oh, not that," said the Genie, "you must just promise never to shave again." Benny thought this over for a moment, and decided he'd been planning on growing a beard anyway. "Ok." he told the Genie, "But what if I do shave?" "You'll be turned into a vase! Now, go back out into the stream, and you'll catch all the fish you want!" With a loud laugh, the Genie dissappeared. "Boy", thought Benny, "I sure hope I'm not dreaming this." He then went and caught his limit in 10 minutes. Benny soon became one of the best fly-fishermen in the world. He always caught his limit, won contests every where he went, and was generaly quite pleased with the situation. But as his skill and fame grew, so did his beard. By the time he was famous world wide, his beard was reaching down to his belt. Needless to say, his wife wasn't thrilled with the situation. One night, she issued an ultimatum. Either he shaved off that beard, or she would leave him. (She'd always hated beards.) Well, Benny thought it over. "Gee, it sounds kind of silly. Being turned into a vase. Things like that don't happen." So, he dug out his razor, cleaned the rust off, and went about shaving. It wasn't an easy task, but soon enough his face was as smooth as a baby's. Suddenly, there was a bolt of lightning and a crack of thunder, and where Benny has stood was a clay vase. The moral of the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny urn'ed. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- There were once a race of clams living on the ocean bed. Two of these clams were Sam and Joe. Sam was a wild and swinging clam who owned a disco. Joe was a clean upright clam who never did anything wrong. Finally, Joe died and went to heaven where he met St. Peter at the gate. St. Peter told Joe that for having lived a good life that Joe could have one request before being admitted to heaven. Joe requested to go back to earth for one day to raise some hell with Sam. St. Peter said that was fine, but that Joe had to be sure to bring his harp and halo back in order to be admitted into heaven. Joe agreed to this and went back to earth for a day and had a great time. When his time was up, he went to St. Peter to get back into heaven. St. Peter asked Joe where his harp was and Joe replied: "Oh no, I left my harp in Sam clam's disco" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Billy and Jimmy are playing out on the playground. Jimmy turns to Billy and says, "Billy, what's a penis?" Billy replies, "I don't know. I'll ask my parents when I get home." So that afternoon Billy goes home. Billy's mom is in the kitchen. Billy goes up to her and asks, "Mom, what's a penis?" Billy's mom says, "Billy! Don't ask me questions like that! Go ask your father." So Billy runs off and finds his father, reading the afternoon paper. Billy asks his father, "Dad, what's a penis?" Billy's father seems quite pleased with his son's question. "Ah, my son is becoming a man!" Billy's father stands up, undoes his pants, pulls them and his underwear down. "This, my son, this is a penis," says Billy's father. "And for your information, this is not just any old penis. This is a 'perfect' penis." Now fully informed, Billy returns to school the next day. At recess Jimmy approaches Billy. "Hey, Billy, did you find out what a penis is?" "Yeah, I did," Billy says, and leads Jimmy back behind some tress where no one can see them. Billy undoes his pants, pulls them and his underwear down and says, "Jimmy, this is a penis. And not only that: if it were two inches shorter, it would be a 'perfect' penis." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A old man sits rocking on the porch of the general store in a parched, old western town. A grizzled cowboy comes riding up, hitches his horse to the post, goes around to the back of his horse, lifts its tail, and procedes to plant a kiss between the horse's cheeks. Old Man : Stranger, why on earth did you kiss your horse there? Stranger: The reason should be plain. I have chapped lips. Old Man : And that cures them? Stranger: No, but I sure as hell won't lick them!!! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman goes into a grocery store and is looking round anxiously at a pile of oranges. "Can I help you madam?" asks the shopkeeper. "Well, I was looking for some fruit for my husband. Have these oranges been treated with any posoinous fertilizer or weedkiller?" she replies. "No madam, you'll have to get that from the chemist's." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man and his wife went golfing one day. The man slices his tee shot into the trees. When they finally find the ball, they discover that he has an incredibly difficult approach shot to the green, while a rather wide opening to the fairway exists if he hits the ball back in the direction whence it came. The man says: 'Do you think I should pull out the three wood and go for the green, or should I play it safe and pitch the ball back to the fairway?' His wife says: 'I think you'd be better off hitting the ball back to the fairway. There are too many trees between you and the green'. 'Nah', he says, 'playing it safe is for wimps. I'm going for the green'. He hits the ball extremely well. Unfortunately it caroms off of a tree directly in front of him, striking his wife suqarely between the eyes. The concusion causes her to lapse into a coma for three weeks before she finally dies. A few months later, the same man is golfing on the same course with a buddy of his. The buddy slices his tee shot into the same trees, with an almost identical shot towards the green, and with the same opening behind him. 'Should I go for the green, or should I play it safe and chip back to the fairway?', the buddy asks. The man says 'After what happened to me last time, I think you should play it safe and chip back out'. 'Why? What happened to you last time?' the buddy asks. 'I got a $%^*& seven on this hole', the man exclaims. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Noted in HARVARD MAGAZINE, September/October 1990.] Conservative Member of Parliament Geoffrey Dickens tells of attending a fair in his constituency and being followed around by a sweet but exceptionally ugly woman whom he couldn't get rid of. A few days later he got an admiring letter from her asking for his photograph, and signed, after her name, "(Horseface)". Dickens was touched by her humorous modesty and sent off a picture autographed, "To Horseface, with best wishes, Geoffrey Dickens." Some time later his secretary asked him, "Did you get that letter from the woman at the fair? I wrote 'Horseface' after her name so you'd know which one she was." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- While giving a lecture on the mechanics of momentum and kinetic energy transfer, my physics professor noticed a student busily snoozing in the fourth row of the auditorium. He turned to a girl sitting in the first row and asked her what the result of a collision between two particles with masses, velocities, and trajectories that he specified would be. After a few seconds of thinking and calculating she came up with the correct answer. The professor then awoke the sleeping student and said, "You! Same question!" The student, a bit stunned and bleary eyed, looked around and replied, "Same answer." After the laughter died down the professor turned around and said, "OK, you got me on that one, I won't call on you again..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- And then there is the one about the music teacher at the school for *slow* students. He formed a choral group of some of his better students, and was approached one day by a tour director who had heard them perform. "Your choral group is very good", he said. "I would like to arrange a tour for them, but they are all so fat, I don't think the public would find them physically appealing." The choral director responded, "Well, I'll put them on a diet." So he restricted their intake to apples and diet soda. When he had them all slimmed down, he went back to the tour director and said, "Well, they are certainly a very slim bunch now." "Wonderful", said the tour director, "Now all we need is a name for them." The choral director pondered for a moment, then said, "How about the Moron Tab and Apple Choir?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ What is the difference between car companies and software companies? When a car company finds a defect in its cars, it recalls all of them for a free repair. When a software company finds a bug in its software, it offers you a $100 dollar upgrade. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here's an announcement somebody at Berkeley got from DEC: A Short Chronology Of Major Demonstrations 1960s: Berkeley gets Civil Rights 1970s: Berkeley gets Individual Rights 1980s: Berkeley gets Animal Rights 1990s: Berkeley gets Fastest Read/Writes! # Come sit-in at the Demonstration, May 2nd Hogan Room, 5th Floor Cory Hall at 10:00 am and at 3:00 pm Digital Equipment Corp. Introduces the DECstation 5000 to UC Berkeley ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!" The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!" The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Your turn!!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ THE RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF 1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls. 2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole. 4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. 5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole. 6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again. 7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediatedly upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well-formed bunkers. 8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason. 9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case. 10. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back game. 11. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course. 12. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. 13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the owner's request. 14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match. 15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player. 16. In some states, it is illegal for a course owner to require (or for a players to offer) a greens fee in excess of the price of dinner. Course owners must be careful that play not be proposed to members of the vice squad. 17. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at any given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- It is the wedding day of Prince Charles and Lady Di. Charles had been up late the night before boozing with his old Navy buddies, woke up late, threw on his clothes and rushed to the Royal Coach and set off. In the coach, he noticed that he had forgotten his shoes, so he borrowed the ones his valet was wearing, but they were 2 sizes too small. Charles made it through the ceremony, then through the reception with his feet in agony the whole time, and finally with great relief, went upstairs with his new bride. Their departure was noticed by the Queen and Queen Mother who followed them up and listened at the the door. First they heard "Ohhh, ohhh, that feels so goood, it was sooo tight" "I told you she was" said the Queen to the Queen Mother. Then they heard "Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ahhhh, that feels even better, and it was a lot tighter" "Tsk tsk tsk" said the Queen Mother, "Once a sailor, always a sailor" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- There once was a physiologist who wanted to find out the secret of longevity. Being a rather competent fellow and realizing no one would want him to initially experiment with humans, he decided to use porposes for this purpose. Dolphins were decided upon rather thatn any other mammal because of their similarity to humans in aging and eating. After long experimentation with porposes, he discovered that certain nutrients extended their life span measurably. The unfor- tunate part of this was that these nutrients were quite expensive. He found a cheaper solution: seagulls. Young seagulls had quite a bit of that particular nutrient in their blood. So he started to use sea birds to feed his porposes. Now his neighbors were quite upset when the young scientist started to trespass across their beaches in the early morning in his quest for birds. They were even more upset when he used his shotgun at five o'clock in the morning. The Audubon Society was really upset that he was scaring the other birds when he shot at the gulls. Mothers were worried he might accidently shoot their children. The beach front owners decided to put an end to his work. They met together late one night and put together a nefarious scheme to rid themselves of their enemy. The next day, one of the vigilantes went to the local state zoo. He asked the zoo keeper, "Could we borrow a lion? We need it to scare someone." The keeper agreed to let them borrow one of his older lions. The next morning, after the Ponce de Leon of modern science went out shooting, the neighbors brought the lion to his yard and tied him up on the front porch. After the scientist shot his brace of birds, he came back and stepped over the lion on his doorstep. When the state troopers arrested him the next day, they charged him with: "Transporting young gulls across a staid lion for immortal porposes." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ An virginal young lady named Barbara goes to visit her girl friend in the clinic, who has just given birth to her first child. During the course of their conversation, Barbara mentions the fact that while she too would like to have a baby, she didn't exactly know how to proceed. The young mother is very helpful, and fills out an itemized list on the howto's on becoming pregnant: 1 Get all dressed up in the slinkiest dress you can find 2 Go to your favorite nightclub 3 dance seductively 4 etc... Barbara scrupulously follows her friends instructions, and sure enough, finds herself guided into the mens room at the nightclub. Her only problem is that the young man is a safe sex advocate and uses a rubber to consummate the act, and she being inexperienced is unaware of this obstacle. Once consummated he takes off the rubber and flushes it down the toilet. Barbara: "Gee honey, what do yo want to call our child?" Young man: (looks at the toilet, and then adresses Barbara) "Well, if he gets out of this one, we'd better call him Hoodini..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A rather nasty and egotistical man was finally left by his wife, who then remarried someone whom she felt would treat her with more love and kindness. Unable to deal with the ego blow, Mr. Nasty goes to console himself in the neighborhood bar. Soon afterwards, the ex-wifes new beau enters and unknowingly sits himself next to the despondent and drunk man. After a few more drinks, he turns to the new husband and asks "So, how does it feel to be getting used pussy?" He quickly realizes the situtation. "I like it just fine," he replied, "once I get past the used part." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man joins the French Foreign Legion. He is stationed at a fort in the middle of the dessert. After about a week at the fort, the man wants some sex. So he askes one of his barrack mates what they do for sex. The man replies, "I use the camel." The man's initial reaction is one of discust, and he decides that that is not for him. A week passes and the man is starting to get desperate. He goes up to one of the old timers and asks where he gets sex. The old soldier replies, "Oh, I use the camel." The man is so desperate that he decides that he is going to give it a try. So he goes out back to the stable, and finds a sutable bench to stand on (camels have long legs), and just has a grand old time. After a while he has had his fill. He leaves the stable and bumps into the old soldier. The old guy says, "Now that's the first happy face I've seen on you since you got here. You must have used the camel. But tell me, how did you get back here so quickly?" "Back here so quickly?" asks the guy. "Yeah," the old soldier replies. "Town is an hour away by camel." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur) "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37.00. The drunk says "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around few times then throw him out into the street. The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur) "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37.00. The drunk says "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the shit out of him, then throw him out into the street. The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur) "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, and give me the bill." In disgust, the bartender says "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies "No, you get violent when you drink." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A fellow from the city was driving through the country one day when he came upon a quaint farmhouse alongside of the road - and there was even a farmer standing out front. So the city boy decided to stop and talk to the farmer. "Good morning, sir," he said, "I was driving by, admiring the country, 'cause I'm a city boy, and I couldn't help but notice that you have a field full of milk cows on your farm. Now I've lived in the city all my life and I've never tried any fresh country milk. If it's all right with you, I'd like to try some fresh country milk from your milk cows." The farmer replied, "Son, those are bulls! You don't get milk from bulls!!" And the city boy said, "But I won't hurt your milk cows. All I want to do is to try some fresh country milk." The farmer had to try again, "Son, those are BULLS!! You don't get milk from BULLS!!!" But the city boy persisted, "Really, I won't hurt your COWS! I just want to try some fresh country milk!!" So the farmer reluctantly gave in, "Son, knock yourself out." In a half an hour the city boy returned from the fields carrying a pail of fresh country milk. The farmer scratched his head and started to speak, but the city boy jumped in with, "You know, while I was out in the field getting this lovely fresh country milk, I saw a fence covered with honeysuckles. And you know, I've been city boy all my life and I've never had any fresh country honey. If it's all right with you, I'd like to try some fresh country honey from your honeysuckles." And the farmer replied, "Son, honeysuckles are flowers. You get honey from bees." But the city boy persisted, "I won't hurt your flowers. I just want to try some fresh country honey." So the farmer tried again, "Son, honey comes from BEES!" But the city boy was adamant, "Really, I won't hurt your FLOWERS! I just want to try some fresh country honey!!" And the farmer reluctantly gave in again, "Son, be my guest." In a half an hour the city boy boy returned with 2 mason jars full of honey. The farmer scratched his head harder than before and started to speak. Just then the city boy said, "You know, I'm a city boy - been a city boy all my life. Now while I was out getting some of that fresh country honey, I noticed that you have a field full of pussy willows ..." "Son," interrupted the farmer, "let me get my hat." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two dogs meet at the vet's office. One asks the other what he's in for. The second dog, somewhat embarassed, says that the other day his mistress was on her knees searching for something, fresh out of the shower. He ran up and performed his obligatory doggy sniff of the exposed parts. Somehow, he explains, he became aroused, leaped upon her back and proceeded to "have his way with her". "Ahh", said the first dog, "then you're here to have The Operation!". "No, I'm here to get my nails trimmed!!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says "All the guys on this side of the bars are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?" Everyone is understandable silent. He then chugs back another beer and says "All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?" Everyone is silent, again. Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk towards the man. "You got a problem, buddy?" "No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mr. Jones got home after a long day at work only to find his wife waiting for him at the door to tell him that their son had gotten into trouble at school. Mr. Jones headed up the stairs to his son's room and walked in. "Your mother tells me you got into trouble today, Johnny." "Aw, Dad... it wasn't much." "C'mon son, what did you do?" Johnny looking very uncomfortable fessed up. "Today I got laid for the first time." "You got laid at school?!!" Mr. Jones exclaimed with pride, "You're only 14! I was 17...." Mr. Jones trailed off and a thoughtful expression crossed his face. "Son, your mother expects me to punish you. What I am going to do is hit the bed several times. I want you to yell as though I am spanking you, and then tomorrow I will bring home that new red bicycle that you have been wanting." So Mr. Jones hit the bed and little Johnny yelled and cried a little and Mrs. Jones was glad the her husband had taken control of the situation. The next day when Mr. Jones got home from work he had a bright red, shiny, new bicycle with him. When Johnny came out, Mr. Jones expected him to just jump on and take off riding. When Johnny did not mount the bike he asked his son, "Is anything wrong son? Oh, I am so proud of you. I told all the guys at work how MY son had gotten laid at the age of 14. Isn't this the bike you wanted?" "Oh, sure Dad. I've wanted this bike for a long time, but do you mind if I wait until tomorrow before I ride it? My butt is still sore from yesterday." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Little Johnny can't sleep. So he gets up and enters his parents bedroom. It's not too late and his folks are caught in a very revealing and compromising position. Johnny is shocked! "Daddy! Mommy! What's wrong! Are you okay?" he asks hesitantly. His father being the quick thinker that he is stammers, "Uhm! Your Mommy and are Uhm, Making you a baby brother or sister to play with. It takes a while and it looks funny but that's how it's done." Lil Johnny thinks for a while and nods in satisfaction. His Dad is extremely pleased and sends him back to bed. A week later Lil Johnny is bawling his head off on the front porch. "What's wrong Johnny?" asked his worried father. "You know my baby brother you and Mommy were making?" "Yeah?," Lil Johnny cries, "Well, while you were at work, Mommy let the Mailman in and he ate him." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- After an argument with his wife, a man stalked out of the house. He returned a few hours later to find his wife packing a suitcase. He angrily asked her where she was going. "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I can make $400-500 there doing what I give you for free." The man thought about this for a moment, then pulled out his own suitcase and began packing. His wife asked where HE was going. "I'm going to Las Vegas, too. I want to see how you manage to live on $800 a year." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- At a major medical convention a noted internist arises to announce that he has discovered a new miracle antibiotic. "What's it cure?" asks a member of the audience. "Nothing we don't already have a drug for," the internist replies. "Well, what's so miraculous about it?" "One of the side effects is short-term memory loss. Several of my patients have paid my bill three or four times." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- It seems this fairly succcessful businessman in his early 30's was getting lonely for some companionship. He was comfortably well off, lived in a nice apartment, had refined tastes, but somehow or other he could never find the perfect companion. Finally, he had an inspiration. So our friend strolls into a pet shop and explains his problem to the sympathetic clerk. The clerk thinks for a moment, then says, "I have the per- fect pet for you, sir," disappears into the back of the shop, and emerges with a small cardboard box. The gentleman opens the box, but, instead of finding a dog or a cat, discovers a frog. "A frog?" he asks disbelievingly. "Ah," says the salesman, "but not just any frog. I really think you'll be surprised with this pet. May I suggest you take it home for a trial. If it does not meet with your satisfaction, feel free to bring it back within a week for a full refund." Well, what can he lose, right? He pays the clerk, takes the box under his arm, and heads home. When he arrives, he sets the box in a corner, takes the lid off so the frog can breathe, and looks at it for a moment. Nothing special. So he steps to the bar and mixes himself a martini. Just as he brings it to his lips, he is startled to hear a voice say, "Excuse me." He looks around. There's no one there. He locked the door. He is five floors up, so there couldn't possibly be anyone outside the windows. He checks anyway, but there is no one there. Confused, he ponders for a moment, then shrugs and lifts the drink again. And again, "Pardon me." The man glances at the box. The voice seemed to be coming...from the frog? "Yes, over here." Perplexed, he steps to the box. The frog looks up at him. "I couldn't help noticing that you made yourself an excellent martini, there." The man is confused. "You...you talk?" The frog chuckles. "Oh, of course I talk. But that martini...well, I just happen to be a very particular martini drinker, and you mixed that one exactly the way I like mine, not too dry, not too--" The man recovers his poise. "Would you care for one?" The frog hops gratefully out of its box. "Why, thank you. Most people are uncomfortable around frogs, I know, but I can see this is going to be different." Well, the two get to talking, and they hit it off marvelously right away. The frog has the same taste in classical music that the man does, they both appreciate impressionist paintings, and both of them like to watch week- end tennis matches. When it comes time for dinner, the man carries the frog into the kitchen, and it offers suggestions on how to season his game hen, selects the perfect wine to accompany, and keeps up a steady flow of humour- ous conversation throughout the evening. The young man is delighted. The frog is, indeed, everything the pet store clerk had promised. Presently the man began to feel tired, so he set the frog gently in its box and brought it into the bedroom. As he prepared to turn the lights out the frog discreetly clears its throat. "I wonder..." it begins tentatively, "I wonder if you would mind very much..." "What is it?" the man asks. "Well," the frog says, "I feel so close to you...I mean, we share so many interests, we've eaten and drunk together...I just somehow wouldn't feel right sleeping in a box. Could you...do you think I might possibly just sleep on the pillow next to you?" Well, the young man sees nothing wrong with this request, so he lifts the frog out of its box and sets it on the pillow. He bids it good night, turns out the lights, and gets into bed. He is just dozing off when he hears another discreet cough. "Excuse me," the frog whispers. "I really hate to ask this, and don't think I mean anything by it, but..." It pauses. The man sighs. "What do you want?" The frog shifts about uncomfortably. "Well, it's just that I've grown accustomed to...that is...you see, I've always been kissed good night, before." The man shakes his head. "No. I'm sorry, but no matter how unique you are, you're still a frog." The frog interrupts. "No, no, nothing like that. Just a quick little peck on the forehead. Really. It would mean so much to me..." Well, it sounds so plaintive, and the frog really is such a wonderful addition to his life, that he decides that this one thing can't possibly hurt that much. So he screws up his courage (and his eyes), leans over, and kisses the frog... <<< POOF!! >> When the smoke clears, the young man is lying in bed beside a stun- ningly beautiful blonde, no more than sixteen years old, stark naked, smiling blissfully up at him. "And that, your Honor, is how my client came to be..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there were two evil friars living outside this small village. The friars had tried unsuccessfully to overtake and capture the town, but finally this time, they believed they had hit upon a foolproof scheme that would allow them to rule the village. They had, through mad scientist experiments in their floral shop, come up with a plant that would devour the townspeople one by one until none were left. They set forth to put their plan into action by planting the man-eating plants so they encircled the village. As the plants rapidly grew, they began devouring everything living in their path. The townspeople grew frightened; who or what would save them from their eminent doom? Finally, the town's elder remember Hugh, a woodcutter who lived on the outskirts of town. Frantically, the townspeople penned a desperate plea for help, tied it to the leg of a pigeon, and directed the bird toward Hugh's cabin. Meanwhile, outside of town, Hugh had received the note from the townspeople, and realizing they were in grave danger, set forth to do what he needed to do. He honed his mightiest axe to razor-sharpness, grabbed his hat, and off he went. Chopping his way through the dense vines, he single-handedly destroyed the carnivorous plants one by one, until all were destroyed. Then he set out to rid the village of the evil friars, chasing them out of town. The town was saved!!! The people rejoiced and knighted Hugh for his brave and timely efforts to save the village!!! And the moral of the story is: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Billy and Heather were golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the Billy said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix." Heather teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. Billy cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost." They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." Billy replied. "No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "OK, great!" Billy said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at Heather. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done." the genie replied. "And what's your wish, genie?", Billy said. "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your girlfriend." Billy looked at Heather and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took Heather upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at Heather, and said, "How old is your boyfriend, anyway?" "25." she replied. "And he still believes in genies?....That's amazing." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap? "Why sure you can," her grandfather replied. As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?" "A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog." The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please please MAKE a sound like a frog?" Perplexed, her grand dad says, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?" And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to Florida!" -----------------------------------------------------------------------