It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked, "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so. To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked, "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A French, a German and a Russian are having a discussion about cars. The French starts talking about the cars they use in their country. "Well, for small trips, city driving and so, we use ze Renault R5 [Le Car in the States]. It's cute, economical, and pretty spiffy. For longer trips from town to town we use ze Citroen. Smooth, fast and silent, when you get zere you are still fresh and rested. And for trips abroad we generally take ze Peugeot Diesel. Very reliable, good mileage, never breaks down." The German then starts: "Oh, fur small trips ve use der VW Golf [Rabbit in the States]. Very gut small car, very gut. For longer trips around the country ve generally choose der BMW. Very poverful, much comfort. And ven ve go abroad, ve use der Mercedes. High class, vonderful car, very much prestige ." The Russian: "Well, for our city driving, we use the Zaz. It's a little noisy, and parts are hard to find, but it does the job. For longer trips, well, then, we still use the Zaz, same model. Not too comfortable, but pretty solid, and it gets you there." The French says: "I imagine zat you use ze Zaz even for trips abroad." The Russian: "Oh, no, when we go abroad we only use tanks." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- In a one priest Irish Catholic Parish everybody knew everybody else. One Saturday a waggish young lad by the name of Timmy went to confession. The priest after hearing Timmy's sins said - "Timmy, I have it on good advice that your fooling around with one of the married women in the parish." Timmy protested his innocence but the priest would have none of it. "Timmy" ,he said "tell me, is it Mrs. Monahan?" "No father I hardly know the women!" "All right then Timmy, is it Mrs. O'Connell?" "Mrs. O'Connell, father she the wife of one of my very best friends! I would never lay hands on her!" "Timmy, this is your last chance, I'm losing my patience, is it Mrs. O' Hara?" "No Father I wouldn't dream of...". "TIMMY! I don't wan't to hear it. You've come to this confessional and lied to me! I want you to consider the seriousness of this matter for a month and come back and confess who it is to me." On the way out Timmy meets a good friend of his on his way to the confessional. The friend asks Timmy "Is the Father in a good mood today. Timmy replies "He's in a GRAND mood, he gave me a month off and three good leads." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The great circus performer Mephisto decided to make a few extra bucks on the side by taking bets and by challenging his audience to equal his performances. This policy continued on quite successfully until he brought his elephant into the act. He would drag the elephant out onto the stage, then dare anyone in the audience to make the elephant do some trick, offering them financial compensation if they succeeded. One day, he brought out the elephant as usual, and told the crowd: "You've all seen an elephant stand on three feet?" The crowd nodded. "You've all seen an elephant stand on two feet?" The crowd nodded. "You've all seen an elephant stand on one foot?" The crowd nodded again. "I will pay $10 000 to any one who can make this elephant jump into the air with all four feet off the ground!" No one took the challenge until a thin old man walked boldly from the back. He looked the elephant steely in the eye, the proceeded to walk around to its hindquarters. Producng a brick in either hand, he then proceeded to smash the elephant's testicles between the bricks. The elephant roared in pain and jumped eight feet into the air. Mephisto paid the man reluctantly, then moved his show to another town. A few years later Mephisto was short on cash again, and was not attracting as much business as he used to. So he brought back his old act of challenging the crowd with financial recompense. In this way, greater crowds gathered, and his show was a bigger success. He would drag out the elephant and say: "You've all seen an elephant nod up and down, right?" The crowd nodded. "But none of you have ever seen an elephant shake its head from side to side! I will pay anyone $10 000 who can make my elephant do such a trick!" No one took up the challenge until the same thin old man tromped boldly down from the back. He looked the elephant coldly in the eye and said, "Do you remember me?" The elephant nodded up and down. "Do you want me to do it again?" The elephant shook its head vigorously from side to side. Mephisto paid the man and retired. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The "Umbrelly" The newest development in male contraception was unveiled recently at the American's Women's Surgical Symposium held at the Ann Arbor Medical Center. Dr. Sophia Merkin, of the Merkin Clinic, announced the preliminary findings of a study conducted on 763 unsuspecting male grad students at a large Midwestern university. In her report, Dr. Merkin stated that the new contraceptive- the IPD -was a breakthrough in male contraception. It will be marketed under the trade name "Umbrelly." The IPD (intrapenal device) resembles a tiny folded umbrella that is inserted through the head of the penis and pushed into the scrotum with a plunger-like instrument. Occasionally, there is perforation of the scrotum, but this is disregarded, since it is known that the male has few nerve endings in this area of his body. The underside of the umbrella contains a spermicidal jelly, hence the name "Umbrelly." Experiments on a thousand white whales from the Continental Shelf (whose sexual apparatus is said to be closest to man's) proved the Umbrelly to be 100 percent effective in preventing production of sperm and eminently satisfactory to the female whale, since it doesn't interfere with her rutting pleasure. Dr. Merkin declared the Umbrelly to be statistically safe for the human male. She reported that of the 763 grad students tested with the device, only two died of scrotal infection, only twenty experienced swelling of the tissues. Three developed cancer of the testicles, and thirteen were too depressed to have an erection. She states that common complaints ranged from cramping and bleeding to acute abdominal pain. She emphasized that these symptoms were merely indications that the man's body had not yet adjusted to the device. Hopefully the symptoms will disappear within a year. One complication caused by th IPD and briefly mentioned by Dr. Merkin was the incidence of massive scrotal infection necessitating the surgical removal of the testicles. "But this is a rare case," said Merkin, "too rare to be statistically important. She said the other distinguished members of the Women's College of Surgeons agreed that the benefits far outweighed the risk to any individual man. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- It is a little known fact that Alexander the Great invented a primitive form of wristwatch. In order to synchronize his forces during battles, he ordered a special chemical to be developed that changed color with the passage of time. A small piece of cloth was dipped in the solution, and worn around the wrist. In this way, all his troops could know what time it was, enabling them to carry out sophisticated military campaigns and thus conquer the world. Historians refer to this invention as "Alexander's rag time-band." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A doctor, an engineer, and a programmer were sitting around together, and somehow the discussion got onto whose was the oldest profession. The doctor spoke up first. "Well", he said, "God created Eve by taking a rib from Adam. Clearly an operation was needed, thus medicine is the oldest profession." The engineer disagreed. "No, before that God created everything there is out of formless chaos. That was surely an engineering acclomplishment of the highest order!". The programmer shakes his head sadly at both of them, and says: "and....where do you think the chaos came from?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A friend of mine who is a Xerox salesman was recently at a sales convention cocktail party when he asked a new aquaintence, "Have you heard the latest IBM-salesman joke?" His colleague replied, "Before you say anything, I should warn you that I'm an IBM-salesman." The Xerox salesman said, "Oh, that's all right. I'll tell it very slowly." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- It seems that when the Earth was created, a large lever was erected with the potential to totally destroy the Earth with a single forward thrust. Naturally this was not a good entity to have lying about, since it was so vulnerable to anyone or anything that wanted to have the world destroyed with a minimal amount of effort. So the great and wonderful leaders of the time got together to devise a plan to safeguard this lever against anyone who may have the inclination to do away with the world. They realized that the lever could not just be physically removed. The solution was much more difficult. The only possibility that seemed apparent was to have the lever guarded in some fashion. Several of the leaders came up with great ideas, but simply were not good enough due to the serious nature of the problem. Then a leader of a small third world nation spoke out with an idea. He mentioned a snake by the name of Nate that possessed the most piercing and deadly gaze that could drop even the toughest beast dead in their tracks. The great and wonderful leaders unanimously voted to hire Nate as the lever guard. Nate was immediately placed on full time guard of the dangerous lever. Years went by without incident. Anytime that a person would get within twenty yards of the lever, Nate would stare them down with this piercing gaze, and as a result they would fall dead in their tracks within seconds. One day a local residence was receiving a furniture delivery. The delivery person, who was not the most competent individual, forgot to apply the parking brake as he exited the truck. The truck was parked on top of a hill, so naturally it started to roll. As is rolled it kept gaining more momentum. Faster and faster it rolled down the hill. Oh no! It was rolling toward Nate the snake and the dangerous lever with the potential to destroy the world. Nate knew that he had to do something, and fast. He applied his deadly piercing gaze to the truck, but it didn't work because the truck was an inanimate object and could not be phased. At this point Nate knew there was only one thing that he could do to stop the truck, so Nate threw himself in front of the rolling truck. SPLAT! Well, needless to say Nate became a hood ornament that day. Nate was indeed a hero, for he risked his own life to keep the truck from tripping the lever and destroying the entire world. Moral of the Story: "Better Nate than Lever" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men name their penises? No man wants a STRANGER making 98% of his decisions. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a software engineer and a hardware engineer? A software engineer burns PROMS; a hardware engineer blows PALS. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An old one heard from comedienne Brett Butler: A man repeatedly asks out a beautiful young woman he works with. She says no at first, but finally agrees. "You can pick me up at eight on Friday," she says, "but you have to bring me a pocketknife." "Well, okay," he says, puzzled. Friday night comes, and he arrives at her house with a pocketkife. She thanks him, opens a drawer in a desk which is already full of pocketknives, and drops the new one in. At the restaurant, the man's curiosity finally gets the better of him. "I'm sorry, but I have to know. What's the story on these pocketknives?" She smiles at him and answers, "I know that you men ask me out just because I'm pretty. I know that in twenty years my looks will be gone and men won't be interested in me anymore. But I also know that there's nothing a fifteen year old boy won't do for a pocketknife." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the atheistic solipsist? He didn't believe in himself. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated Irishman, who was also severly bleeding. The officer asked, "Can you describe the person who did this to you?" The Irishman replied, "That's what I was doing when he hit me." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A little boy comes into his daddy's room and tells him that the other kids are making fun of him because he doesn't know any dirty words. The daddy asks him what words is he confused about. "Daddy, what is a pussy?" asks the innocent child. Daddy with a quick flash of inspiration pulls out a Playboy, circles the appropiate anatomy with a pen and replies "Everything inside the circle is a pussy." "Well, then what's a cunt?" Daddy reflects for a few moments and replies, "Everything outside the circle." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A priest was sitting in the confessional and was in dire need of using the men's room. Finally, he could wait no longer and grabbed a janitor who happened to be walking by. Priest: "Please sit in here while I go to the men's room." Janitor: "What if somebody comes in while you're gone?" Priest: "Don't worry. Whatever he says, give him three Hail Marys." While the janitor waited for the priest to return, a young man entered the confessional. "Bless me Father for I have sinned. I engaged in anal sex." The janitor didn't know what to say - he knew the priest would give a harsher pennance than three Hail Marys for a sin like that. Just then, an altar boy was walking by the confessional. The janitor stopped him and asked, "What does the Father give for anal sex?" The altar boy replied, "Two cookies and a glass of milk." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- We have a program that periodically forks a child process to parse and evaluate some data. After the evaluation is done, the parent process moves the results to a history directory. Well, that is how it is supposed to work. But a programming bug was causing the child process to crash as soon as it started up. After much head-scratching, one of the programmers said, "I know what's wrong. The parent can't create the child because it's had a hist-directory!" -- eddie caplan (gauegc@fnma.com) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Department Head, Assistant Head, Full Professor and Assistant Professor decided to go fishing. Early the next morning the four got up and headed out to the lake. They had gotten almost clear to the other side to a favored fishing spot when the Assistant Head exclaimed that he had forgotten the bait. "No problem," said the Assistant Professor and jumped out of the boat, ran across the water to the dock on the other side of the lake and returned with bait in hand. "I don't know," groused the Department Head, "do you really think we should grant someone tenure that's never learned to swim?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy's going on a hiking vacation through the mountains out west. Before setting off into the boonies, he stops into a small general store to get some supplies. After picking out the rest of his provisions, he asks the old store owner, "Say mister, I'm going hiking up in the mountains, and I was wondering; do you have any bears around here?" "Yup," replies the owner. "What kind?" asks the hiker. "Well, we got black bears and we got grizzlies," he replies. "I see," says the hiker. "Do you have any of those bear bells?" "What do you mean?" asks the store owner. "You know," replies the hiker, "those little tinkle-bells that people wear in bear country to warn the bears that they are coming, so they don't surprise the bears and get attacked." "Oh yeah," replies the owner. "They're over there," he says, pointing to a shelf on the other side of the store. The hiker selects a couple of the bells and and takes them to the counter to pay for them. "Tell me something, mister," the hiker inquires, "how can you tell when you're in bear territory, anyway?" "By the scat," the old fellow replies, ringing up the hiker's purchases. "Well, um, how can I tell if it's grizzly territory or black bear territory?" the hiker asks. "By the scat," the store owner replies. "Well, what's the difference?" asks the hiker. "I mean, what's different between grizzly scat and black bear scat?" "The stuff that's in it," replies the store owner. Getting a little frustrated, the hiker asks, "OK, so what's in grizzly bear scat that isn't in black bear scat?" he asks, an impatient tone in his voice. "Bear bells," replies the old man as he hands the hiker his purchases. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In the paper this morning, there was an article about a couple of DJs on the radio station KSJO here in San Jose. They often play practical jokes for people on their spouses, friends, etc. Once, DJ Lamont Hollywood called up a woman named Marcy pretending he was her husband's boss to tell her, "I've had to fire your husband. We caught him making love to a secretary in the company cafeteria." "WHAT?!?!" she yells, not knowing this is all a gag set up by her husband who is also on the phone line listening. "Do you know we haven't made love in six months?! He said he had some kind of impotency problem. Obviously he doesn't have the problem at work." Lamont tries to calm her down and suggests that she offer her husband some consolation when he gets home because he has just been fired. "I'm not even going to BE here," she says. "In fact, thank you. Thank you for calling. Because I don't have to feel so bad now about making love to his brother." Another time, a husband named Tom tried to play a joke on his wife, Diane, who was vacationing by herself in Tahoe. A man answered the phone and when the DJs asked who he was, she tried to tell them it was Tom. Over the next year, Tom was a regular on their show as he went through his divorce hearings and recently, they tried to set him up on their radio show, "Love Connection". And then there was the man who told the hosts his fiancee sunbathed nude in the backyard. The DJ called up and pretended to be her nextdoor neighbor and asked for a date. At first she said no, but then asked... "Are you the guy with the Porsche? I suppose as long as you don't tell anyone, we can go out. Can you keep your mouth shut?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I got this from Alon Efrat at the Technion, Isarel. Why God Never Received Tenure at the University 1. Because He had only one major publication. 2. And it was in Hebrew. 3. And it had no references. 4. And it wasn't published in a refereed journal. 5. And some even doubt He wrote it himself. 6. It may be true that He created the world but what has He published/done since ? 7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. 8. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to repeat His results. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From "New Scientist", attributed from R.D. Hayler, Stoke-on-Trent, Staffordshire, to a friend: Two sodium atoms are walking along the street when one stops and says, "Oh my God, I think I've lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" asks the other sodium atom. "Yes," replies the first sodium atom, "I'm positive." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: asya@empress.com (Asya Kamsky) Subject: holmes & watson, sexual Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Told to me by a friend, could be offensive to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle fans. Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson decided that to cement their relationship they would get to know each other more intimately. They have a nice dinner, some conversation, then retreat to the bedroom. Pretty soon, the clothes are off and Watson is on all fours on the bed when Holmes picks up a lemon merangue pie he'd brought in from the kitchen and smashes it into Watson's naked butt. "What'd you do that for, my friend?" exclaimed Watson. "Lemon entry, my dear Watson, lemon entry!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: chrisley@ox.ac.uk (Ronald L Chrisley) Subject: Philosopher's revenge From: tvaughan@buphyk.bu.edu (tvaughan) Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab. Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab. Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab. Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab. and, most importantly, Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department. Being a philosopher, I felt compelled to post the following upon seeing the above. I don't know the source, although I first heard it from Brian Smith of Xerox PARC: Philosphers truly appreciate the profound nature of life's deep questions. As a result, they are still struggling with the same questions that have been asked for millenia. Thus, they are the objects of ridicule on the part of scientists, who have less patience with such lack of progress. For example, consider the age-old question: If a tree falls in a forest, and there is no one around to hear, does it make a sound? This question was posed by philosophers of antiquity, and there is still no philosphical consensus as to what the answer should be. But ask a scientist the same question, and he'll go off for short while, apply for a grant or two, and come back saying, "Well, we've solved it for elm and birch, but we're still working on the general case"! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: davidb@ce.washington.edu (David W. Barts) [ This received a fairly good response on a local newsgroup, so I thought I'd victimize the whole net with it. ] Last night, I was walking home from the grocery store and I noticed that the traffic was backed up as if an accident was blocking the road. Sure enough, the Metro #73 had managed to skid on the slushy street as it was trying to turn a corner and had scored a direct hit on a steel traffic light pole. This was a one-vehicle accident, so it was obvious who was at fault for it. (In addition, the street was only _slushy_; as someone who learned to drive in the Rockies it always amazes me how much trouble a piddling snowfall can cause some people. But I digress.) Anyway, right after I walked passed the scene of the accident, the driver's window opened and a mostly-eaten apple sailed out of it. I was wondering what on earth was going on, when I looked up and noticed a message scrolling across the green dot-matrix display that normally displays the route number and destination: bus error (core dumped) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Seen in Idaho Newspaper Boise State University, College of Technology Outreach Programs, Specialized Computer Courses Managing Your Hard Dick 10/30-12/11 W $115 5:30pm-8:00pm ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Last Sunday, the priest at our local Catholic church began his sermon with a supposedly true story... "I was on a plane last week, flying from Chicago to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence. As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and finally even the stewardesses began to look concerned. Finally, one of them came over to me and said, "Father, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could... I don't know... 'Do something Catholic?'" "So I took up a collection." From: stachnik@hpcupt1.cup.hp.com (George Stachnik) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Punk-Rocker goes into a pub and askes for a pint of rat. The bar man looks at him with a puzzled expresion and asks what is this perculiar beverage? The punk replies: well gov you go down to the cellar, bash a rat, put it in a tall glass and top it up with bitter!(a particually good English beer) The bar mabn thinks- funny sort but I suppose it's all the rave so he prepares the drink as it was described to him. The punk readily laps it up and leaves the bar most satisfied. Next day a female Punk comes in and asks for half a pint of rat. The bar man thinks not again but bows to the request thinking that one must have to cut the rat in half to prepare the half pint. He prepares it as best he can and serves it to the leather clad woman. She takes a sip and frowns saying: That's no good it's got no head! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In my dorm there's a prominent poster displayed, saying "Have you discussed AIDS with your partner?" under which some wit has written "No, but I've communicated it." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A train was stalled on the Trans-Siberian Railway, on board were Tsar Nicholas II, Lenin, Stalin, Khruschev, Breznhev, Chernynko, Andropov, Gorbachev, and Yeltsin. Tsar Nicholas stands up and says, "I shall make this train move." He gets off the train, mounts his horse and rides off to Paris. Lenin then stands up and says, "I shall make this train move." He leaves the car and returns a few minutes later. "I've instituted a new 8 day work week," he says and sits down. The train still doesn't move. Stalin stands up and says, "I shall make this train move." He leaves the car and returns a few minutes later. "I've shot the engineer," he says as he sits down. The train still doesn't move. Khruschev then stands up and says, "I shall make this train move." He leaves the car and returns a few minutes later. "I've reinstated the engineer, posthumously," he says as he sits down. The train doesn't move. Breznhev then stands up and says, "I shall make this train move." He then instructs everyone to act like the train is moving and sits down. The train doesn't move. Chernynko and Andropov both jointly declare "We shall make this train move." They then get off the train. The train doesn't move. Gorbachev, with a sigh, stands up and says "I shall make this train move." He stands and, pulling down the window, yells outside "This train doesn't move!" Gorbachev sits back down. The train doesn't move. Yeltsin, quite put out, stands up and says "I shall change the train for one that works!" He leaves and returns shortly with a new train. As the passengers board it, they see that it is an old American Steam Engine which is owned by the Germans and has no wheels. Is this train going to move? *The original form of this joke was releated to me by a co-worker, while we were recently discussing the immediate Russian past. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Heard from a friend: A young woman entered a tattoo parlor and told the tattoo artist that she wanted a picture of Elvis tattooed on her upper thigh. The tattoo artist replied that this was no problem, and to please show him where she wanted the tattoo applied. The woman wanted the tattoo placed so far up on her right thigh, that she finally had to remove her panties. The artist was a little put off, but after so many years in the business and so many tattoos on unusual places of the body, he went ahead with the work after she forked over $100 for the portrait. He proceeded very carefully, and after about two hours, completed what he thought to be a first class job - an excellent profile of young Elvis. He proudly passed a mirror to his customer. She looked in seeming horror, and screamed at him, "That doesn't look like Elvis at all. I've been ripped off, and I want my money back!" The tattoo artist tried to clam her down, "Lady, that's a great picture of Elvis." "Bull! I'm not paying." "OK... I'll tell you what," he said, "I'll do another portrait on the left thigh, and if you're not satisfied, I'll give you your money back." Finally she agreed to let him try again. This time he worked even more carefully, and three hours passed before he was finally satisfied that this was an accurate potrait of Elvis Presley. He passed the mirror to her again, and she again had a bad reaction, "You idiot... this doesn't look at all like Elvis, and I want my money back." The tattoo artist was sure that his portraits of Elvis were fine pieces of work. He said, "Listen Lady... I'll tell you what... I'll go outside and grab the first person who passes by and bring 'em in here. If they say the tattoos look like Elvis, you have to pay me. Otherwise it's free, OK?" The young woman finally agreed after a heated argument. The artist went outside the shop and approached the first man to pass by. This guy happened to be staggering drunk, but the artist thought that a deal was a deal, and dragged the inebriated passerby into the shop and placed him in front of the woman - still naked from the waist down with legs spread wide open to display her new tattoos. "Tell me who that is," screamed the tattoo artist, confident in his work. The drunk bent over and got closer to the woman and the tattoos in question. He reeled back and forth, trying to maintain his balance. He looked for a quite a long time, squinting and scratching his head. "Well?" said the woman. The drunk finally stood up, staggered, and said, "I ain't gotta fuckin' clue who the twins are, but I'll be goddamned if the one in the middle ain't the spittin' image of Willy Nelson." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: opedroso@osiris.b29.ingr.com (Osiris Pedroso) Question on one of our corporate groups: Noticed something weird today. Was using FTP to xfer some files around and noticed that "getting" files resulted in a transfer rate of about 15kb/sec while "putting" files resulted in a transfer rate of about 400kb/sec?!?! Both sending and receiving nodes were C4's, but one is a server and one is a WS. What gives?? Answer some 10 minutes later: The remote system is downhill from your system, resulting in a faster rate of transfer when you "put" files, and a lower rate of transfer when you "get" files (since you have to pull the bits uphill). Remember, you should _never_ stack two systems on top of each other. Bits cannot handle vertical acceleration, and you could actually cause a bit overflow. That's why you should always back away from a machine that has an "overflow error", because, chances are, it's about to explode. Jeeze, you're working at a computer company and you don't even know the basics? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It seems that mathematics isn't so impeccable after all! Especially when it comes to sex! Here are some mathematical truisms that didn't quite hold up! Q: If you are having sex with TWO women and ONE more woman walks in, what do you have? A: Divorce proceedings, most likely. Q: If you have two friends and six women, how many women do each of your friends get? A: None. Q: Is three an odd number? A: Not in this day and age. Q: If a 6-inch penis can attract 10 women, how many women can an 18-inch penis attract? A: Two billion. Q: If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and you wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get? A: 8 hours, 59 minutes-- who cares what she wants! Q: How are math and sex the same? A: I don't get either one. Sarang Gupta (sgupta@unmvax.cs.unm.edu) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So this guy wants to go into a nightclub, but the bouncer says "Sorry, bud, you need a tie for this place." Our Hero goes back to his car and rummages around, but there's no necktie to be found. Finally, in desperation, he takes his jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, ties a nice knot, and lets the ends dangle free. Back to the nightclub, where the bouncer says "Well, OK, I guess you can come in. But don't start anything." From: larry@bbn.com (Larry Denenberg) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The latest edition of the Irish Customs and Excise Handbook comes with an erratum slip. It contains the following instruction: "After contraceptives, insert fruit and vegetables" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A friend was telling Cherie, my wife, about a child born at the local hospital with an unusual birth defect. She explained that this new child, a baby boy who was otherwise normal, was born without eyelids. "How terrible," replied Cherie, feeling quite sorry for the child, "he'll never be able to blink. "It's very sad", replied the friend, "his eyes are constantly irritated, and he has to sleep with them open." By this time Cherie was most upset, feeling very, very sorry for this little boy. "Isn't there anything they can do for them?" she asked. "As a matter of fact, the doctors plan to circumcise him and use the foreskin to build eyelids." she replied. "It's quite amazing what they can do these days, isn't it?" The conversation continued, my wife feeling greater and greater symphathy for both the child and his parents with every minute. Finally, the friend (I assume not being able to keep a straight face any longer) dropped the line: "Ya, you've really got to feel sorry for the kid, he's gonna be cock-eyed for the rest of his life...." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- While traveling through the great American Southwest, I came upon a curious scene at an Indian reservation trading post. In front of the post there sat a very large, 300-pound Indian woman on the skin of a hippopotamus. She was flanked by two other women. My curiosity piqued, I enquired further, only to find that one of the other women was sitting on a deerskin, and one sat on a goatskin. Both of these other women had sons weighing 150 pounds. It all goes to illustrate the well-known theorem that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides. Steve Talbott ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There once was a snake breeder who had two snakes he was trying to mate. For the life of him, he couldn't get them within two feet of each other. Frustrated, he called up the local zoologist, and explained the situation. She hurried over, picked up the snakes and looked at them. "You know what I would do?" she said. "See that tree over there? Chop it down, chop off a good sized log, split the log in two, and make two tables out of them. Put the tables and the snakes into a cage, and let them go at it." Well, the breeder thought that this was insane, but having no other options, he tried it. Sure enough, a few days later he had a whole slew of baby snakes. He called up the zoologist, and asked her how that was possible. She replied, "Well, you see, those snakes were adders. And everybody knows that to get adders to multiply you need log tables." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- While writing a document for some in-house software, the spell-checker in FrameMaker flagged the word "superuser." The best correction Frame could offer was "suppressor." Kind of makes you think... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sam Cohen, father of 3 and faithful husband for over 40 years, unexpectedly drops dead one day. His lawyer informs his widow that Stu Schwartz, Sam's best friend since childhood, is to be executor of the will. The day comes to divide Sam's earthly possessions, over a million dollars' worth. In front of Sam's family, Stu reads the will: "Stu, if you're reading this, then I must be dead. You've were such a good friend for so long, how can I ignore you in this will? On the other hand, there are my beloved Sophie and my children to be looked after. Stu, I know you can make sure my family is taken care of properly. So Stu, give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself." Stu then looks at the survivors and tells them that, in accordance with Sam's instructions, Stu will give fifty thousand dollars to Sam's widow. The rest he is retaining for himself. The family is beside itself. "This is impossible! Forty years of marriage and then *this*?! It can't be!" So the family sues. Their day in court arrives, and after testimony from both sides, the judge gives his verdict: "To Stuart Schwartz, I award fifty thousand dollars of the contested money. The remainder shall go to Sophie Cohen, widow of the deceased." Needless to say, the family is elated, but Stu is dumbfound. "Your honor, how can you do this? The will made Sam's wishes quite clear: 'Give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself!' I wanted the lion's share! What gives?" The judge answered back, "Mr. Schwartz, Sam Cohen knew you his whole life. He wanted to give you something in gratitude. He also wanted to see his family taken care of. So he drew up his will accordingly. But you misread his instructions. You see, Sam knew just what kind of a person you are, so with his family's interest in mind, he didn't say, "give what you want to her and keep the rest for yourself.' No. What Sam said was, "Give what YOU want to HER; and keep the rest for yourself." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do a hardware engineer, a software engineer, and a systems engineer sound different? The hardware engineer says, "Isn't it shipping yet?" The software engineer says, "Is it shipping already?" The systems engineer says, "Beige... I think I'll paint the case beige..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: merk!uvmark!mark@looking.clarinet.com (Mark Baldridge) Subject: collegiate situational When I was in Cornell, Chemistry 101 was considered to be an exceptionally difficult course. Weekly recitation classes followed the lectures, to review homework assignments and help the floundering students. In our first recitation section, the teaching assistant started handing out a pop quiz at the beginning of the class. As he was distributing the quiz he explained, "Just to make sure that everyone keeps up with the homework, we are going to start each week with a little 'quizzy'. And it will be a third of your grade." One of the female students at the front of the class who had longer to examine the quiz than the rest of us, and who obviously did not recognize any of questions as relating to things we should have known exclaimed loudly, "Well! If this is one of your little quizzies, I'd hate to see one of your big Testies!" While the laughter was dying down, a very red faced lady beat a hasty exit for the door. We never saw her again. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is my grandmother's favorite joke, as evidenced by the two minutes it took her to stop laughing long enough to deliver the punch line. She got it from her mother, Nellie Creed Hyde. Two english ladies were discussing their vacation plans on a London street corner near an irish lady. "We're planning a lovely holiday in Devon this year", said one. "Oh you oughtn't to do that," said the other, "there are Irish there! It would be awful." "Dear me!", said the first lady. "Well where are you going?" "Salisbury", she replied. "But Salisbury is simply crawling with Irish!", the first objected. At this point the irish lady could no longer hold her tongue. "Why don't ye go t' hell", she suggested. "There be no Irish there!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Classified ad from "Thrifty Nickel", Panama City Beach, Florida: WEDDING RING SET WITH numerous diamonds, $400 or trade for handgun. 874-0935 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The college faculty were in their annual meeting when, suddenly, an angel appears. Turning to the Dean, the creature said, "I will grant you one of three boons -- infinite wisdom, infinite wealth or infinite health." The Dean thought for a minute, then replied "Wisdom." "So be it." and the angel disappeared. In the silence that followed, the Dean sat thoughtfully, saying nothing and staring off into the distance. Finally, one of the other faculty members exclaimed, "Do you have anything to say? What words of wisdom can you provide us?". Quoth the Dean, "I should have taken the money." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- >From New Scientist, 28 august 93, Feedback column: "The National Westminster Bank admitted last month that it keeps personal information about its customers-such as their political affiliation-on computer. But now Computer Weekly reveals that a financial institution, sadly unnamed, has gone one better and moved into the realm of personal abuse. The institution decided to mailshot 2000 of its richest customers, inviting them to buy extra services. One of its computer programmers wrote a program to search through its databases and select its customers automatically. He tested the program with an imaginary customer called Rich Bastard. Unfortunately, an error resulted in all 2000 letters being addressed "Dear Rich Bastard". The luckless programmer was subsequently sacked." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: roy_wells@engtwomac.synoptics.com (Roy Wells) Date: Mon, 18 Oct 93 19:30:03 EDT Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Horse humor Subject: Time:1:39 PM OFFICE MEMO Horse humor Date:6/8/93 I am a member of a group that reenacts the Civil War, serving in the Artillery. As a mounted unit, we have several horses, and they always get a lot of attention from the public. Over Memorial Day, a self-appointed Animal Rights-type came over to our "Master of Horse" and started proclaiming: "Listen here! I was raised around horses, I *know* horses, and you are mistreating that one there! That horse is obviously pregnant, and should not be forced to pull loads." About that time, the horse (a gelded male) elected to urinate. One of the guys in the unit, who had heard the woman's tirade, called out: "My god! It's water's broke and there's a leg coming out!" The woman left quickly and quietly. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A butcher got along great with everyone in the neighborhood except a mysterious swami. They hated each other! One evening, the swami's pregnant wife had intense cravings for liver, however, and the swami had to go into his enemy's shop. "Give me a pound of liver," he said to the butcher's clerk. The butcher whispered to the clerk from the back of the shop, "Here's our chance to screw that no-good bum." Pointing to the clerk's thumb, he said, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So, you h ave heard about the monks who decided to open a flower shop? While they were on their way to buy supplies, a flock of female sheep fell off a building and killed them. Which only goes to pr ove: Only ewes can prevent florist friars. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Situation: Roast beef, baked potatoes, asparagus with a cream sauce , served on shiny plated metal dishes. Saying: There's no plates like chrome for the holandaise. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- People felt sorry for the poor little Russian boy with his arms full of newspapers. But Ivan held his head high with pride, for after all, he did have a clutch of Tass. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Glasgow folksinger Iain MacKintosh told of overhearing a guy at a college party coming on strong to an attractive woman. After initial pleasantries the guy asked "So how do you like your eggs in the morning?" and she replied "Unfertilized." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Czechoslovakian man went hunting ... The rangers had warned him about the bears, but he felt he'd have no problem. So when he was two days late the rangers went into the forest to find him. However, the hunter was nowhere to be found. The rangers found 2 sets of bear tracks all over the campsite, so they were pretty sure what had happened. They tracked and shot a pair of bears and cut them up - of course, the Czech was in the Male. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is a true story, not a UL. Honest. Years back, when my son was about 18 months old, I, my wife, and the kid would go out for a hot fudge sundae every week, and split it three ways. On one occasion, after I placed the order, the nubile young lady in the local Baskin Robbins asked (with a bright smile that could have been coquettish or merely polite) "Would you like your nuts wet or dry, Sir?" I immediately choked. This was, after all, exactly the kind of line every male dreams of. Then I glanced at my wife, who was glaring back at me with a crimson complexion. Swallowing hard, I got a grip on my libido. "Uh... No nuts," I replied. "No nuts at all." -- Lawrence Curcio (lc2b+@andrew.cmu.edu) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Why does the condemned man get a last cigarette, instead of one of those through-the-skin stick-on nicotine thingies? A. Don't patch the executable. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman asked me if I knew why men have a hole in their penis. When I expressed my mystification with this anatomical puzzler she told me it was so that oxygen could get to our brains. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- NBC has been running a series called "Almost 2001" on the national news broadcasts. Last night they broadcast a segment on "voice recognition" and how it was changing the world. A shot that I almost didn't notice caught my attention and summarized the current state of this technology. The voice-over was discussing the great achievments of speech recognition, and the "expert" being interviewed was writing a letter about it in the background. The expert said "soon voice recognition will assist in everything from electronic mail to faxes and voice mail." The computer can be seen churning away in the corner, faithfully typing out "soon voice recognition will assist in everything from electronic mail to faxes envoy smell." I'm waiting for NBC to profile handwriting recognition on the Newton. Almost 2001, but not quite. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------