------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Jimmy had newly arrived in New York from Dublin, and was applying for a job on a big highrise construction project. The foreman asked him, "Have you ever worked in construction before?" "Certainly," says Jimmy. "Twenty years of it, in the old country." "Well," says the foreman, "I'll have to ask you a few questions, seeing as I don't know you at all. For instance," and he points, "what do you call that machine over there?" "Why, that's simple. 'Tis a loader, and it's used for moving great piles of dirt about the place." "Very good. How about that one," and he points the other way. "Faith, why that's a pile driver. Used for driving bloody great steel beems deep into the ground." "Well," allows the foreman, "you seem to know your business all right. Just one more question then: what's the difference between a joist and a girder?" "Why, anyone knows that. Joist wrote 'Ulysses' and Girder wrote 'Faust'!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A man barges into the railway station reservation counter and demands a ticket to Jeopardy. The clerk looks at him and says "Sorry sir. There is no such place called Jeopardy in New Zealand." The man looks obviously disturbed, but he insists - "You gotta be kidding mate, I just heard on the radio that there were 500 jobs in jeopardy." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A tall weather-worn cowboy walked into the saloon and ordered a beer. The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closed eyelids. No one spoke, but they all noticed that the stranger's hat was made of brown wrapping paper. Less obvious was the fact that his shirt and vest were also made of paper. As were his chaps, pants, and even his boots, including the paper spurs. Truth be told, even the saddle, blanket and bridle on his horse were made entirely of paper. Of course he was soon arrested for rustling... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and _talk_ to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he _dropped_ the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: "Come on guys, we're almost there!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The juvenile sea squirt wanders through the sea searching for a suitable rock or hunk of coral to cling to and make its home for life. For this task it has a rudimentary nervous system. When it finds its spot and takes root, it doesn't need its brain any more so it eats it. It's rather like getting tenure. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Two businessmen who live in suburban Connecticut and work in New York City decide to get themselves a mistress. They set her up in her own apartment in the city, and agree to split 50-50 all expenses related to her. A few days every week, one of the men calls his wife to say he'll be working late and will take the late train home, and then wines and dines the mistress all evening. The men alternate evenings with her, and things go fine for several months. One day the mistress announces to the two men that she is pregnant. They decide to do the right thing: they tell her that they will take care of the baby financially, splitting all expenses 50-50. Nine months later the mistress goes into labor on a day that one of the men is out of town on a business trip. The other man accompanies her to the hospital. When the absent businessman returns, he heads directly for the hospital, and finds his friend looking very glum outside the maternity ward. "Is she alright? Were there problems with the birth?", he asks his friend. "Oh, she's fine," replies the first man. "But I'm afraid I have some bad news. She had twins, and mine died." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Once upon a time there was a young man named Benny. Benny loved motorcycles and riding motorcycles, but he was just a so-so rider. Whenever Benny and his friends would go on a ride, Benny was always at the rear of the pack, and he was always the last one to get to the bar at the end of the day. Everyone made fun of Benny, and suggested that he get a Spagthorp. However, this is another story. One day when Benny was driving his cage (a Volvo of course) he spotted an old rusty Harley on the side of the road in some brush. Benny stopped, and thinking the Harley would make a good restoration project, loaded the bike into the car. Later that evening when Benny was polishing the tank of the Harley a strange thing happened. A genie rose out of the tank and granted Benny a single wish. Benny thought about it, and finally wished that he could be the greatest motorcycle rider in the world. The genie said, "No problem, but there is a condition." (there always is) The condition was that Benny could never shave as long as he lived. If he did, the genie would return and change Benny into a Grecian Urn. Benny said, "Okay." The next day Benny didn't feel any different, but when he and his friends went riding, Benny was the fastest rider in the group. Nobody could keep up with him. Even when Benny rode his FatBoy Harley the goofs were left in his dust. Everyone was amazed. Benny got a job riding GP bikes for MotoGuzzi, and never lost a race. He was revered the world over as the greatest motorcycle rider of all time. However, Benny's beard was growing quite long, and would sometimes get tangled in the chain of his bike. Also, it got in the way of love making, and generally became intolerable. It had been a long time since Benny had seen the genie so he thought, "What the heck. I'll shave." No sooner than Benny had finished shaving, the genie appeared and said, "Benny, I warned you." The genie waved his arms, and after the smoke cleared there sat a Grecian Urn where Benny had been. The moral of the story is: A Benny shaved is a Benny Urned. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A young rider, out of work was touring the roads in an adjacent neighborhood when he saw a sign for the, "Sesame Street Bus Company." Immediately, he slowed down and inquired. After a prerequisite bus driving test, he was given his route and went home happily employed. The next morning, the young man awoke and got into the bus, covered with Sesame Street characters, to begin his route. The first stop, two young, obese twin girls stepped into the bus. "Hi, my name is Patty," The first one said. "Hi, my name is Patty too," the other one said. He smiled at them as they got into the bus. The next stop, a young boy got on the bus. With a noticible lisp, he said, "Hi, my name is Roth (Ross), and I'm from the thpecial thection of the thcool." The young bus driver nodded. The last stop was a another young boy, but with greased hair, glasses taped together, tweed jacket and pocket protector. A classic geek. In a nasal voice he said, "Hi, my name is Lester Geeze." The bus driver grimaced and nodded. As they drove on towards school, the young bus driver began to smell a horrendous smell, only to turn around to find Lester Geeze picking his bunions! He floored the accelerator and swiftly deposited them at school. Arriving back at the bus company, he resigned. When his supervisor asked him why, he said... "Two obese Pattys, special Ross, Lester Geeze picking bunions on a Sesame Street Bus!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A high school teacher applied for work at all the high schools in his city, and was hired by an exclusive all-girls school to teach sex ed. Not wanting to have to explain to his wife that he'd be discussing sex all day with schoolgirls, he told her he'd been hired to teach sailing. "But you don't know anything about sailing!" "Teaching is easy--you just have to stay one step ahead of the class and you'll be fine." The wife was unconvinced, but wanted to be supportive, so she went to the school on the first day of class and waited outside the door for class to end. Class let out, and wave after wave of girls streamed out, talking about what a great teacher they had. The wife stopped one of the girls and asked, "What did you think of the teacher?" "Oh, he's great! He really knows his stuff--you can tell he has a lot of experience." "Really? That's interesting--he's only gone twice, once he fell off and once he lost his hat." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ So there I am, minding my own business, quaffing one of the delicious local brews in one of the local quaffeterias, when in walks this gnarley Harley biker-type mean muther carrying a frigging ALLIGATOR. This lizard is about four foot long. The dude is also carrying a walking stick with a skull carved at the top. Conversation screeches to a halt when the beertender says to the guy, "Hey! You can't bring any pets in here. Health department regulations, ya know." So the bad boy drops the gator on a table and smacks him a lick with the walking stick. The gator sorta hisses and sorta bellows and opens up his maw. At this time, the scary individual unzips and whips out his wedding tackle and lays it in the critter's MOUTH. Then he whacks the reptile another hit with his walking stick and the gator's mouth all but closes on his pipe. He bonks him another lick and the gator opens back up and the man retrieves his moisture missle intact. "Anybody else in here man enough to try this?" asks the lone biker of the apocolypse. You coulda heard a pin drop. Then, a little effeminate guy in the back tentatively states, "I will... if you promise not to hit me with that stick." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Was that the same bar as the one where this dude walks in with a giraffe? After a few beers, the giraffe falls over. Dead. So the man steps over it and heads for the door. "Hey!" says the bartender, "you can't leave that lyin' there!". The man turns and says "It's not a lyin, it's a giraffe!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Two woodworms were in a bar. One says to the other: " Is the bar tender here?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Frederick's of Hollywood is coming out with a new high-technology product line: The Clipper Chip Chastity Belt Now, only the government will be able to screw you! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Here's something that happened to me a few weeks ago that the readership might enjoy. I was sitting at home on a Thursday night about 7:30 when the phone rang. It rang on my distinctive ring number, not the main number. "Hello?" "May I speak to Paula Woods, please?" "There's nobody here by that name. Paula Woods hasn't had this number for at least two years." At this point, I establish that the caller is a sales rep for AT&T, and inform the salescritter of my name and yes, I do make LD decisions for the household. "Well, sir, I'm calling about your long distance service." The standard AT&T speil comes across the phone. "Would you like us to switch your service tonight?" "Well, no, not really. I am an AT&T customer." "Well, sir, our records show that you currently use another long distance company as your primary carrier." "Yes, but your records also show that my name is Paula Woods." At this point, I engage in a futile attempt to explain to this critter that she rang my DR number, and no calls are billed to it. I can hear the concept flying over her head. "OK, sir. I understand. Let me connect you to an independent auditor to verify your account information." "But..." "Hello, Mrs. Woods?" Same speil again. I'm not Paula. I'm Greg. I try again to explain the distinctive ring. And yes, I already use AT&T for my 1+ dialing. "So, you are satisfied with your AT&T service?" "Yes, I am." "I'm sorry for the inconvenience, sir. May I verify some information so that this confusion won't happen again?" "Sure." (Gladly!) Name, phone number, address, and the like are exchanged. "OK, sir, that's almost everything. I just wanted to remind you that AT&T will pay for the switchover fee..." "But I'M ALREADY A CUSTOMER!" "Well, then, that wouldn't apply to you. The last thing I need from you is a secret code so your local phone company can verify that you authorized the change." "What change? I'm happy with my service! This is worthless!" I have family members with horror stories about AT&T not being able to take no for an answer; it seems they aren't satisfied with yes, either. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A pilot was flying a few important executives from somewhere to somewhere else, and as he was approaching his destination, a thunderstorm struck, reducing visibility to a matter of feet and confusing all his instruments. He circled for a while, and became more and more concerned that they would run out of fuel and crash. Through the driving rain he spotted a lone light on in a huge office block, and flew past it. Inside was a man, working late, and the pilot shouted out "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man replied "You're in an airplane." The pilot then made a perfect landing. Once they were safely on the groung, the important executives asked the pilot how he managed it. "Simple," he replied. "The answer I was given was 100% correct, but completely useless, so I knew it was the Microsoft building, and I knew the airport was 5 miles north of there..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ two friends of mine were travelling between San Diego and Utah on obscure roads other than the normal I-15 route when they camme across a hand painted sign at the side of the road that said: No Cops - Haul Ass About the time the speedometer hit 120 mph, they saw another sign that wasn't hand painted. Much to their dismay, it said: Pavement Ends 500 feet. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I recently attended a meeting of the International Singles Club here in Silicon Valley. I met a Chinese woman who was a dentist. She had perfect teeth, which started me thinking: All dentists from all cultures apparently have perfect teeth. So, I am looking for a gynecologist for my next girlfriend. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A computer programmer was riding his motorcycle down the road. He stops for a stop sign and notices a frog in the middle of the road. The frog says to the programmer 'Hey you on the bike. I'm not really a frog. I used to be a beautiful princess. If you kiss me, I will turn back into a princess and in return I will give you the best night of sex you've ever had.' The computer programmer mumbles, 'sure, yeah.' He picks up the frog and then continues down the road. The frog then says, 'OK look. If you kiss me, I'll give you a whole week of incredible sex.' The programmer mumbles, 'sure, yeah.' The frog says more forcably this time, 'Look maybe you don't understand. I'm tired of being a frog. If you kiss me I'll give you the best sex you've ever had for the rest of your entire life.' Once again the programmer mumbles 'sure, yeah.' Finally the frog says, 'Well can you at least tell me why you won't kiss me?' The computer programmer says 'Well you see I'm a computer programmer and don't have much time for sex. But a talking frog is really neat.' ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ John and Mary visit their pastor for marriage counseling. The pastor gets up and hugs Mary, and sits down. He gets up and hugs Mary a second and third time and then turns to John and says: "See that, John. Mary needs that EVERY DAY!" John replies, "Well, that's fine, Pastor. But I can't bring her over here except on Tuesdays and Thursdays." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Many years ago a friend at General Motor's Delco plant in Santa Barbara told me that they were doing a joint project with the Italian company Maserati. The suggested name for the join venture was, of course, GenItalia. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ At an orthodox wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant At a conservative wedding, the bride is pregnant At a reform wedding, the rabbi is pregnant ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ In a forest, a fox bumped into a little rabbit, and said, "Hi Junior, what are you up to?" "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes" said the rabbit. "Come now friend rabbit, you know thats impossible!" "Well, follow me and I'll show you" They both go into the rabbits dwellings and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Along comes a wolf. "Hello, what are you doing these days?" "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour wolves." "Are you crazy! Where is your academic honesty?" "Come with me and I'll show you." As before the rabbit comes out with a satisfied expression on his face and with a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans to the rabbits cave and as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean looking, huge lion sitting next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox. The moral: its not the contents of your thesis that is important, its your supervisor that really counts!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ My hubby (John Nienart) and I were doing the spring cleaning a few weeks ago. As we were vacuuming the dust and dead insects off the windowsills so that we could put in the screens, he turned to me and said, "In all my career plans and visions of my future in computer science, this is something I never thought I would be doing --- debugging Windows!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor. After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help. "Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem." "A gas problem?" replied the doctor. "Yes. Yesterday afternoon I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh... silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?" "Well," said the doctor thoughtfully, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The recent (mis)fire bombing of a subway car in New York just goes to show... Never let a software guy work with hardware! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The local newspaper reports that: "Statistics show that in the last days [1] since the Chernobyl [1] meltdown, older bikers have been turning from Harleys to Gold Wings. They have also changed their drinking habits from beer to that yuppie absinth. This applies in particular to those UK ex-jailbird bikers who escaped from Wormwood [1] Scrubs prison." And the moral of the story? Absinth makes the phart go Honda ;) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Two Irishmen were on holiday in Dover and walked into a pet shop. The first Irishman, Patrick said to the shopkeeper " Can I please have a dozen budgies - don't put them in a cage just put them in a box and I'll take them with me." The shopkeeper obliged and gave him a box with 12 budgies in it. Patrick paid for them and waited for Mick to make his purchase. Mick said to the shopkeeper " Can I please have a dozen parrots - don't put them in a cage a box like the one you gave my mate will do." So the shopkeeper put 12 parrots in a box and Mick paid for them and the two Irishmen left the shop. They went up to the top of the white cliffs of Dover and Patrick took off his shirt and took out the budgies, one at a time, and selotaped them to his arms. He taped six budgies up his left arm and six budgies up his right arm. Next it was Mick's turn. Mick took off his shirt and selotaped six parrots up his left arm and six parrots up his right arm. The two Irishmen then stood together at the top of the cliffs and Patrick said to Mick "Are you ready Mick?" Mick replied "OK". They both jumped off the cliff together .......................... .............................................SPLATTTTTT!!!!! After about 5 minutes the two Irishmen started to come round. Patrick sat up and said to Mick " I don't go much on this BUDGIE JUMPING" Mick sat up and said "No, and I don't think much of this PARROT GLIDING either." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Did you know who in 1923 was: 1. President of the largest steel company? 2. President of the largest gas company? 3. President of the New York Stock Exchange? 4. Greatest wheat speculator? 5. President of the Bank of International Settlement? 6. Great Bear of Wall Street? These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful men. At least they found the secret of making money. Now more than 55 years later, do you know what has become of these men? 1. The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper. 2. The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, is insane. 3. The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home. 4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless. 5. The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself. 6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of suicide. The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championship, Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournaments. Today he is still playing golf and is solvent. CONCLUSION: STOP WORRYING ABOUT BUSINESS AND START PLAYING GOLF ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ At a software engineering course for aspiring managers the participants are asked: If your team of programmers/analysts implemented airplane control software, and you were flying one day, finding out before take-off that this plane was one of those equipped with YOUR software, how many of you would get out? All except one person raised their hands. The course instructor asked the only one to have left his hand down "What would you do?" "Stay in my seat -- if my team wrote the software for this plane, it wouldn't move, let alone take off." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A man walks into a Doctors. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "Whats the matter with me?",he asked. "You're not eating properly", replied the Doctor. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the two-some teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his pain. "Please allow me to help, I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me," she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right... I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. The woman takes it upon herself to begin to ease his pain. She began to massage his groin. After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?" The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good... but my thumb still hurts like hell." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Energizer Bunny Death Notice: I'm saddened to announce the passing of The Energizer Bunny. ------------------------------------------------------------ AP August 22, 1996 - The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:42am. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept > coming and coming and coming... Foul play has not been ruled out. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ While walking through a graveyard in Vienna, a tourist heard music coming from a grave site. The headstone read: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827." The man listened for a few moments before recognizing the music as the Ninth Symphony being played backward. Puzzled the man left the graveyard and persuaded a friend to return with him. By the time they arrived at the grave, the music had changed. This time it was the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it was being played backwards. Curious, the men agreed to consult a music scholar. When the two men returned to the grave with the expert, the Fifth Symphony was playing and again it was backward. Naturally, word got around about the strange happenings at Beethoven's grave, and the next day a large crowd had gathered and was listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then, the graveyard's caretaker ambled up to the group. Someone in the crowd asked him if he had any explanation for the music. "Don't you get it?" the caretaker said incredulously. "He's decomposing!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine & asked if they'd like to try it out. The machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother & give it to the father to ease the mother's burden. Well, they thought that was a good idea & decided to give it a try. The doctor set it on 10 percent to begin with, telling the man that even 10 percent was probably more pain than he'd ever experienced. But the man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling & asked the doctor to raise it. So he put it up to 20 percent & when the man still felt fine, he raised it to 50 & finally 100 percent. After it was over, the man stood up, stretched a little. Both he and his wife felt fine. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees, and still died a virgin? Her first husband was in Training, and he kept teaching her how to do it herself. The second one was in Sales, and he kept telling her how good it was going to be in the next release. The third was in Tech Support, and he kept saying, "Don't worry, it will be up any minute now..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A newlywed couple took a limousine to a posh hotel for their wedding night. The groom carried the blushing bride into the hotel lobby and exclaimed to the manager: "Sir, we are ready for some wild sex. Give me the best suite in the house!" "Certainly sir, would you like the bridal?" "Naw that won't be necessary. I'll just hold on to her ears 'till she gets the hang of it" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A radio conversation between a naval warship and ..... #1 Please divert your course 20 degrees to the north to avoid a collision. #2 Recommend you divert YOUR course 20 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. #1 This is the Captain of a US navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. #2 Negative.I say again, you divert YOUR course. #1 This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise - a large warship of the US navy. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!! #2 This is a lighthouse - your call. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Why the single men are slimmer than the married ones? The single man comes home, opens the refrigerator door, looks inside and goes to bed. The married man comes home, opens the bedroom door, looks inside and goes to the refrigerator. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ An Alabama family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a rather large building; they were amazed by everything they saw -- especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's that, Paw?" The father responded, "Son, I ain't never seen nothin' like this in my whole life. I don't know what it is!" While boy and father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the opposite direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Maw." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman". The Priest says, "Is that you Tommy? "Yes father, it's me." "Who was the woman you were with?" "I cannot tell you, father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation." The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "No father." "Was it Fiona MacDonald?" "No." "Was it Ann Brown?" "No." "Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?" "No father." "Was it Amy Thomas?" "No father." "Was it little Cathy Morgan?" "NO father! I cannot tell you." The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your pennace will be four Our Fathers and five Hail Marys. Go back to your seat." Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and whispers, "What happened?!" "Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys, and six good leads." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Air Force One comes in for a landing at the airport. A ramp is wheeled up and President Clinton appears carrying a pig under each arm. As he comes down the ramp, the Marine at the bottom snaps to a salute. Clinton says, "You'll have to excuse me. I can't return your salute. My hands are full." "Yes Sir. I see the pigs Sir!" responds the Marine. "Now hold on," says Clinton. "These aren't just pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks." "Yes Sir! Razorbacks Sir!" says the Marine. "I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary," Clinton explains. The Marine answers, "Yes Sir! An excellent trade if I may say so Sir!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A grad student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the grad student. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless." Poof! He's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone. "You're next," the Genie says to the professor. The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I was watching a show on anthropology a while ago which stated that human males have the largest penis of all of the primates. I remember thinking, "Aha! That explains why we learned to walk upright: Just showing off." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional." About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?" The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants", she said. "That's Right!!", said the husband, "And don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "I can't get into your panties!" She said, "that's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?" To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank God I'm not a gynecologist.'" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves". ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches.... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve and...16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9 and a half...wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see...7 5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A lady was at the zoo looking at the kangaroos. One of the kangaroos hopped up next to the fence right next to her. She reached in and started petting the kangaroo. as she stroked her hand down toward the kangaroo's tail, she reached in between the kangaroo's legs and grabbed his organ. The kangaroo jumped 18 feet straight up and over the fence, then took off across a field. The keeper of the kangaroo exhibit walked over to where the lady was standing, dropped his pants and said "You'd better do that to me too ma'amm, I've gotta catch that son of a bitch". ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ THE PARROTS A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquires. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise the Lord and worship." The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ It seems there were these two statues and they were a couple hundred years old. One day, a fairy flew over them and tapped their heads with her wand. "You have 24 hours to do WHATEVER YOU WANT," she said to the statues. Fast-forward 23 hours, 57 minutes later... The male statue says to the female statue, "Why don't we do it again?" The female statue says, "We don't have enough time!" The male statue says, "Sure we do! just ONE MORE TIME, please??" Whereupon the female statue says, "Oh, all right! but this time YOU hold the pigeon and I'LL crap on it!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A woman, while touring a small South American country was shown a bullfight. The guide told her, "This is our number one sport." The horrified woman said, "Isn't that revolting?" "No," the guide replied, "that's our number two sport." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "the bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." the chief gives him a sword,he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through. The Englishman says, "a pistol for me, please." the chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, "gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The new Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, even for a cannibal. He asks, "My God almighty, what are you doing?" The New Yorker says, "so much for your canoe, you stupid fuck!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Two engineers were standing in the park. One had a new bike. The other said, "Nice bike. How much?" The first said , "It was free." The other asked, "Wow, how did you get it for free?" The one with the bike said, "Yesterday a beautiful girl, 36-24-36, rode up on this bike, took off all her clothes and told me I could have anything I wanted." The other engineer said, "Good move! Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noises coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Received this yesterday from a friend who is a professor of homiletics (yes, I had to look that up) and the Gospel of John. Hence, I presume, the didactic tone: PRILEP, Yugoslavia (AP) - Outside a small Macedonian village near the border between Greece and strife-torn (former) Yugoslavia, a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of the site of significant historical events spanning more than 2,000 years. When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of Macedonia. However, that is not likely to happen soon. Sister Maria, age 53, enjoys excellent health. By her own estimate she walks 10 miles daily about the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base camp of Attila the Hun. In more ancient times a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site. Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D. and used it as a base for his marauding army. The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large collection of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents destroyed -- either because he was barely literate and couldn't read them, or because they provided evidence of democratic government that did not square with his own notion of rule by an all-powerful tyrant. When the Greek Church took over the site in the 15th Century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is only the lone Sister watching over the old Hun military base. Amidst the strife of war-torn Yugoslavia remains this simple remnant of the past. Thus, that is how it ends, with no Huns, no writs, no Eros, and Nun left on base. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Prof. Gail R. O'Day Office: (404) 727-4169 Candler School of Theology Fax: (404) 727-2915 Emory University Email: goday@emory.edu Atlanta, GA 30322 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane. starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------