God calls Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates into his office and says, "The world will end in 30 days. Go back and tell your people." So, Boris Yeltsin goes to the Russian people and says, "I have bad news and I have worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong, there is a God. The worse news is that the world will end in 30 days." Bill Clinton goes on TV and tells the American people, "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that the basic family values upon which we have based our lives on are right - there is a God. The bad news is that the world will end in 30 days." Bill Gates goes to his executive committee and says, "I have great news and I have fabulous news. The great news is that God thinks I'm important. The fabulous news is that we don't have to ship Windows 95!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them but they always had a very embarrassing and sometimes lively reaction on him. Then one day, he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "she is such a sweet and gentle girl, she would never go for this kind of carrying on." So he made the supreme sacrifice...he gave up his beloved beans. They were married shortly there after. Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work and it was his birthday. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had several miles to walk home. Being a little hungry, he stopped at a cafe. Before leaving the cafe, for his birthday, he treated himself to three large orders of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted and upon arriving home, he felt reasonably safe that he had putt-putted his last. His wife seemed somewhat excited and agitated to see him and exclaimed "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight!" She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the table. He seated himself and just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him wow not to touch the blindfold, until she returned, and ran off to answer the phone. Seizing the opportunity, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but was as ripe as rotten eggs. He took his napkin from his lap and vigorously fanned the air about him. Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming upon him. So, he shifted to the other leg and let go. This was a prize winner. While keeping his ear on the telephone conversation in the hall, he went on like this for ten minutes until he knew the phone call was ending. He placed his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly to himself, he was the picture of innocence when his wife returned. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked; of course he assured her that he had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was the surprise.... Twelve dinner guest seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.................. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: johns@magneto.ee.cornell.edu (John Sahr) Subject: heel thyself [original and true, although the names have been changed] My friend Richard was a white water rafting guide for several years in Northern California. His company used to exchange float trips for medical services. Everybody was happy: the guides were kept healthy, the doctors got some raft trips, and the raft company cut its medical expenses. At some point Richard needed a routine checkup; he inquired at the rafting company offices and was told that they would set up an appointment with a certain Dr. Kurt Sandstrom in San Francisco. Richard drove into The City, and at the appointed hour arrived at the offices of one Dr. Kurt Sandstrom, gynecologist. Richard, enlightened young man that he was, knew something that many do not know; gynecologists are real doctors, and are perfectly capable of doing "regular things" and not just "whatever it is that gynecologists do, but we musn't talk about." Since the white water rafters tend to be a fun-loving bunch, he also knew that he had been set up by the company's secretary. Nevertheless, after a moment's amused reflection, he strolled into the office, and presented himself at the desk. "Hi, my name's Richard Draper, I've got an appointment with Dr. Sandstrom at ten o'clock." As it happened, the doctor's staff seemed also to be unacquainted with the versatility of gynecologists. They were puzzled, and embarrassed, and they attempted to send Richard away, without using the "G" word. "There must be some mistake; we don't think you have an appointment with the doctor," replied one of the staff. "Gosh, I drove all the way out here, could you just check the books?" asked Richard. Upon doing so, they discovered that there was, indeed, a ten o'clock apointment for one R. Draper. "Well, there seems to be an appointment for you, but there must be a mistake. Dr. Sandstrom can't be your doctor." "Well, why not? He is a doctor, isn't he?" Richard is very bright fellow, but he looks very much like a surfin' dude and can play very dumb when he wishes. The office staff hemmed and hawed, trying to get Richard to leave, but he wouldn't be rebuffed. Finally one of the staff layed it out for him, plain enough for even a surfer to understand: "you can't see the doctor, because he's a gynecologist." "That's okay, my ear hurts too," replied Richard. He saw Dr. Sandstrom at ten o'clock sharp. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- I once oversaw the management of a small downtown office building in Phoenix which was leased in part to a major regional bank. The bank kept complaining of scorpions in the building. Desert scorpions are small critters with a nasty sting, much like a bee sting. And, the bank's secretaries would sit on the floor to go through bottom file drawers and sometimes would get stung on the behind. So the building manager called the pest control company and they sprayed the building. Still got complaints. Sprayed again. Still complaints. Clearly another strategy was needed. The pest control contractor pointed out that scorpions are unusual in downtown Phoenix and there were no complaints from other tenants on other floors of the building. He and the building manager concluded that the bank itself was bringing the scorpions into the building from their record center warehouse out in the desert. They alerted the bank to this source of the problem, but the bank refused to take any counter measures and continued to complain that it was a building problem. After several more sprayings, we started to get concerned about the risks of putting more insecticide into the building. Our pest control contractor was adamant that sprayings would do no good if scorpions kept being reintroduced into the building with each delivery to the bank from its records warehouse. So I asked the pest control contractor and the building manager to look into the possiblity of environmentally safer biological controls such as natural enemies of the scorpion. A few days later I received a copy of a memorandum from the building manager to the bank facilities department. He had also posted a copy of this memo on the bank employees' bulletin board: "Building management recognizes recent employee complaints of scorpions in the bank's records management areas. We have attempted to use pesticides but fear that increasing the level of pesticide could pose a health risk for some employees. "Because scorpions are native to our desert country and appear to be entering the building in the storage boxes delivered from the bank's desert warehouse, we have researched safer natural biological controls such as those which keep scorpions in check in their desert environment. We have found that scorpions have only one natural enemy. "Should there be any further complaints from the bank or its employees on this matter, building management will be pleased to introduce rattlesnakes into the records management areas." We had no more complaints. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > We can discuss how we want to group people at next Tuesday's department > meeting. Dave, I have a few suggestions about how to group people when we get to building 045. Specifically, they have to do with office space, lab space, and Miscellaneous Business Regions (MBR's). -Roger Building 045 +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ |/ \| | 1 | | ___________________________________________________________ | | / \ | | | | | | | | | | | More Individual Office Space | | | | | | | |____________________________ _________________ | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | 13 | | 14 | | | | | | | | | | | |-------------=============== |================= | | | |__________ | | | | | | | |~~~~~~~~~| | + + |_____+____| | | |~~~~6~~~~| | 7 + + 8 | | | | |~~~~~~~~~| | | | | | | | |_________|__|______________| |________________| ======= | |(stairs) | + ======= | | 5 + 4 + 3 ===2=== | |____________|_______________ _________________| ======= | |~~~~~~~~~| | | | | ======= | |~~~~~~~~~| | | | |_____+____| | | |~~~~~~~~~| | 9 | | 10 |__+_| |___| | | |---------+ | | | |__+_| |___| | | |____________|______________| |________________|__+_| |___| | | |__|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_| |_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_| |___| | | |___________________________ 12 ________________________\11 | | | \_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|______|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|/ | | | | | | | +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ 1) Mountain Biking Trail/Jogging Trail Just inside the building, set partway into the basement (aka, first floor) will be the mountain biking/jogging trail. This will consist of a challenging biking trail taking up most of the perimeter, with a small raised and smoothed jogging trail for those who prefer less jarring exercise (and who aren't properly equipped with mountain biking gear). 2) Raised Bridge and Weapons Locker The raised bridge slopes gently over the biking trail. It is decorated with wildflower gardens and a few dwarf banana trees which bear edible fruit. Because real Texans never go anywhere without their sidearms, but IBM prefers not to have weapons on premises, IBM will provide the gentle compromise of weapons lockers where IBMers may use their badges to gain access to firearms in case of attack by hostile forces. 3) Coffee Shop A quiet coffee shop with glass-topped tables and a floor tiled in IBM Beige #7, the "Shoppe 45", as it shall be called, will sell coffee, newspapers, and croissants in a relaxed atmosphere softened with only the very best of the Top 40 Elevator Music. 4) Access Corridor The wide, spacious access corridor will leave plenty of room for equipment to move into and out of the building. 5) Locker Room Employee lockers (painted IBM Beige #8) will grace the walls of this demure yet elegant locker room. Showers are at the north and south ends of the room, while a stairway leads down to the pool and patio. 6) Pool and Patio The cool, refreshing Olympic-length swimming pool (with IBM-provided lifeguards) serves as a centerpiece to this elegant patio area. Waiters will provide drinks and LAN maintenance to IBMers. Workstations will be stationed around the pool on the patio, one to a table. As is proper, waiters will speak only French. 7) The Wall Street Room Workstations here will be centered around a continous stock feed, with direct satellite connections to the major brokerage firms provided via the PyraSpin (tm) software. Hardware space will be in the north part of the room; software will be in the south part. 8) Microbrewery Hard-working employees can take a few moments to relax here at IBM's very own microbrewery. Complete with the very finest in fresh-brewed beer and peanuts, the microbrewery will be the office location of choice for the discriminating beer drinker. Workstations will be scattered throughout the entire room and users will rotate occasionally to other Beer Regions. Beer taps will be painted a hearty IBM Beige #4. 9) Blues Room Live blues music will be provided by The IBM Blues, a local Austin music group with the very best references. Every thing in the room, from the coarse panelling (painted a dreary IBM Beige #13) to the unfinished floor (IBM Beige #11) will reflect IBM's sorrows and the downside of IBM life. Development on NT and Intel platforms will take place here. Smoking in the Blues Room is not optional; it is *required*. 10) Petting Zoo IBM's large collection of scapegoats will be quartered here so that other IBM'ers can visit them, gawk, and feel sorry for them. Feel free to feed the animals- it's your zoo! 11) Private Offices For those individuals who simply aren't comfortable working on the patio (or in the Pool Room or the New York Room), private offices provide the ideal locale for getting lots of work done. Each spacious 12x12 office is carpetted in gentle IBM Beige #9 and provided with brass fixtures, cherrywood panelling, and fine oak desks. A must for the serious engineer, these offices provide the comfort and privacy necessary for the most difficult and tiring of work. 12) Managers Suites Managers sometimes require privacy in their dealings with employees, so the managers offices cannot be one simple room large. Indeed, each manager's office is actually a two-room suite (not including a small private powder room) with all of the amenities- from a wet bar to a well-stocked refrigerator. Working's never been easier than it is in these luxury suites. Small pets ok. 13) IBM SurroundCinema 3000 Become part of the movie! Sit down with a tub of popcorn and watch the latest, most exciting releases from Hollywood. Be chased by giant dinosaurs and surrounded by their roars watching some of the most profitable movies of all time, all in the spirit of assessing the competition's workstations. 14) Sauna Room Be a part of the team testing IBM's mobile computers in jungle environments. Bring your beeper and your ThinkPad into the Sauna Room. Everything from the relaxing steam to the slick walls is designed to make you feel more relaxed and easy in your testing, and all are finished in the very finest IBM Beige #2. --- End of MBR Plan --- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- The FTC is going to require that the makers of vegetable oils no longer be allowed to put banners reading "No Cholesterol" on their labels. The reason? Vegetable oil has no cholesterol. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cleaners Vacuum Family's Cat From the Ottawa Citizen, 14 May 1991 Sudbury, Ont. - Cleaners who used an industrial-strength vacuum to clean air ducts at a local home were surprised to learn that their vacuum had sucked up a cat named Pebbles. "We got a call from one of my guys that the truck was meowing," said Colin Firth, owner of Sudbury Air Duct Cleaning Systems. Firth said he thought the workers were joking until Pebbles's owner Kristina Anderson called to say her cat had been missing since the ducts were cleaned. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- This joke comes from John Henderson, a graduate student in our department: In their book, Optoelectronics, An Introduction, J. Wilson and J. F. B Hawkes explain, "The laser, despite its name, is more analogous to an oscillator than an amplifier." A few pages earlier they say, "The word `laser' is an acronym for `Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation'." Why this misnomer? Can you imagine "Light Oscillation by Stimulated Emission of Radiation?" Who would name their invention "LOSER?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- The new parents, sophisticated music lovers, decided that their baby should grow up loving the atonal classical music of the 20th century. So they decided that positive reinforcement conditioning was the best way to do this. Whenever they fed the baby, they would play Schoenberg, or Ives, or other modern music like that. Well, it certainly did have an effect: to this day, that child (now grown) hates milk. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- When I recently received a disk/tape expansion unit from Sun, it included a single page which read as follows: "Read Me First VCCI 1 -------------------- This is a Read Me First (RMF) for this Sun product. This document contains the Voluntary Control Council for Interference Class 1 (VCCI 1) statement in JAPANESE which should be read before powering up this Sun product" Unfortunately, I can't read a word of Japanese. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- I heard a public advocacy lawyer speak on "A Journey to Justice" recently. He said when he looked up justice in a standard reference for lawyers, "justice" took two sentences. The phrase, "just compensation", took almost an entire page. Somehow, this didn't surprise me. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Told to me by a friend of a friend to whom this supposedly happened... Seems the husband was about to be shipped off to Saudi Arabia to participate in Desert Shield. Apparently condoms are very useful in keeping sand out of the barrel of one's rifle. So the husband (in uniform) and wife went to the drug store to buy a box of condoms. While they were standing in the checkout line, the wife said "I think you should take two boxes. You might be over there a long time" At this point, an old lady standing next to them stepped up to the wife, put a hand on her shoulder and, while slowly shaking her head, said, "Honey, you're the most understanding wife I have ever seen." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- One of my uncles was a retired elementary school teacher in a small village in India. He used to go to the next town first week of every month to collect his pension. He was required to produce a certificate from a government doctor that he was alive everytime he collected his pension. He didn't go to collect his pension for a couple of months as he was ill and hospitalised. After recuperation, he went to collect his pension for that month along with the arrears. The clerk in the office asked him, "Thats fine. This is the certificate showing that you are alive this month. But where are the certificates to prove that you were alive the last two months?" waving the medical certificate. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- The government of the USA has outlawed the steroids used for muscle-building. The list includes testosterone. This means that having testosterone in your posession is now a criminal offense. This also means that the government can seize any equipment used to manufacture testosterone. If you see half the population of the US protectively clutching their crotches, that's why. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man is walking on the beach, and finds a bottle. He picks it up, and dusts it off. A genie pops out and tells him that he has 3 wishes, but he needs to be aware, that everything he wishes for, his ex-wife will get double of. The man says ok, for my first wish, I want a million dollars. For my second wish, I want a new red corvette. And for my third wish, I want you to scare me 1/2 to death! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- On the news this morning, Florida governor Chiles defended his state's sale of 188 permits to hunters to kill up to 15 alligators each by saying that the income would be used for the Alligator Protection Program. Protection from what? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: geof@aurora.com (Geoffrey H. Cooper) Subject: NetNews forever From: news To: usenet Date: Wed, 17 Jul 91 05:47:14 PDT expire problems: expire: bad expiry date in `<1991Jul16.123632.27886@bronze.ucs.india...', expire: specifically, `whenTheUniverseExplodesIntoNothingness' -- ignored ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- You know how most laundromats have a number on each machine? At one apartment complex, they gave each machine in the laundry room a name, to make it easier to remember when reporting difficulties. This led to the following note appearing on the superintendent's door: Alice gets hot but won't tumble. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A late middle age couple go to the doctor for their annual check-up. The doctor examines the man first: MD: "I wish my other patients were as healthy as you. Your cholesterol level is low, you have the body of a man 20 years your junior. Your in great shape! Do you have any concerns?" Husband: "Yes--it's about sex" MD: "You came to the right place--ask away!" Husband: "Well, doc, the first time I do it, everything's fine. The second time I do it, I sweat like a pig!" MD: "Hmmm...nothing that comes to mind from the medical literature. Tell you what--I'll ask your wife when I examine her." The doctor calls the wife and examines her. MD: "Like your husband, your in great shape! A body of a woman 20 years your junior. How's the marriage?" Wife: "Fine! We've been married 45 years and we get along great." MD: "Do you have any concerns?" Wife: "No, not really." MD: "Well, your husband shared one with me. He says he has a concern about sex." Wife: "Really, now?!" MD: "Yes, he said the first time he does it he's fine, and the second time he sweats like a pig." Wife: "I'm not surprised! The first time is in January, and the second time is in July!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals. When they have all assembled at the Vatican, he takes them into the meeting hall and states, "I have some really fantastic news and some very terrible news." Of course, all the cardinals want to hear the good news first, so the Pope tells them, "Jesus Christ has returned to the world. The time of judgement is at hand, and our faith in his existence is justified." After the commotion dies down a bit, one of the cardinals speaks up, asking what the terrible news is. The Pope replies, "He was calling from Salt Lake City." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- There I was, stuck behind a queue of cars forced to wait until a sanitation truck finish with it's pick-up. I look over to my right, and there was this late model Mercedes that was squeezed between two other cars, with no more than 6 inches of space between the other two cars (can you see it coming...). So, the Merc decides to use the bump-n-bump method of getting out. On the third round of the bump-n-bump, on the way forward (you sure you still don't see it coming?) he hits the car in front with a little extra ommpphhhh, and....... SETS OFF HIS AIR-BAG. I nearly fell off my bike laughing........ ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Paddy just arrived in America from Ireland on holiday. Now, never having seen a baseball game before, he decides that now would be a good time. So, he goes to the park, and gets himself a bleacher seat. Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his hand. The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at the guy with the stick, who then *crack* hits the ball and starts running down the side. Everyone around Paddy stands up and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!" A second guy steps up to the plate, and damn, if the guy on that hump of dirt doesn't throw that ball again. And again, the guy with the stick *crack* hits the ball and runs down the side. And again, everyone around Paddy again, stands and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!" Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his hands. This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the ball, the guy with the stick doesn't do anything. And the guy squatting behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to the guy on the hump of dirt. And Paddy is thinking to himself, "What's happening? Why didn't he hit the ball?" This happens three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time. After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick and strolls up the side. Now Paddy stands up and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!" and the guy sitting next to Paddy says that he doesn't have to run. So Paddy asks him why, and is told that the batter has four balls. So Paddy shouts instead, "WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet. "973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to walk away. "Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." Man says sure. "You are an economist for a government think tank," says the shepherd. "Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?" "Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A traveling salesman approached an old farmhouse and noticed the strange behavior of the couple inside. The woman was running the lawn mower over the carpet and the man had one hand dipped in a fishbowl and was playing with himself with the other. The salesman assumed they were crazy and moved on. After he'd finished his pitch at the next farmhouse, he mentioned what he'd just seen. "Oh, those folks ain't crazy," the farmer said, "They're both deaf mutes. She was telling him to mow the lawn, and he was telling her to go fuck herself because he was going fishing." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A close friend was on her way to my place, when she passed the Greenfield Inn, in Dearborn (MI), just off I-94. They have one of those big, scoreboard-style signs to display stale text and crude graphics in lots of banal forms, and, as usual, there were more than several bulbs burned out. On this particular day, the hotel was advertising for its in-house restaurant, but, because of the burned out lights, the message took a risque twist. It read: "WE GIVE OUR COCK A NIGHT OFF. DO YOU?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Recently posted on dc.forsale: FEDERATION INTERGALACTIC STARSHIP cloaked to resemble a 1973 Volkswagen beetle. Over 110,000 parsecs of experience behind her, all her functions are normal, including a quiet-running dilithium crystal. Her commission in the State of Maryland has expired, however, and State Highway Klingons who penetrate her shields may zap her with photon torpedos unless she is taken to pass her MD safety inspection. Her AM/FM communicator functions as well as Capt. Kirk's (it never works and appparently never did). Go where no man has gone before - a few women, for that matter. 650 credits. She is docked near Conn Ave and the Beltway. Call 202/ xxx-xxxx days for a tour of duty at her bridge. Oh, yes: nice paint job, new tires, and a teensy little hole in the otherwise fine muffler. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- I recently received an 8-page announcement for a conference, but it had two pages blank. The announcement was probably originally longer but it was for a data compression conference. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A friend who works at Harvard Law School told me that the Defenders, a student organization that does public defender work, have a white shirt with black text on the back that reads, "Reasonable Doubt At Reasonable Prices." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- I heard this this morning from a caller on Z-Rock (a national rock music radio station): Did you hear about the new Seattle brand of beer created in honor of Kurt Cobain? It's bitter and has no head. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three men were on safari in Africa one day,when a horrible thing happened. An elephant came running out of the bushes and trampled the three men,but not before they managed to kill it. A plastic surgeon was passing by in a helicopter and happened to see the carnage. He thought that maybe he could do something, and landed near the men. The first guy was in pretty bad shape. He was missing a piece of bone in his forehead. So the surgeon chopped off part of the elephant's tusk, put it in the guy's head, and sewed him up. The second guy was a little worse. His skin was ripped up and torn off,especially aounr his neck and face. So the surgeon sliced some skin off of the elephant and sewed it on his second patient. The third guy was the worse. The elephant had,while trampling him,ripped off his dick. So the surgeon cut off the end of the elephant's trunk and sewed it on the guy as a replacement. The surgeon ran into his helicopter and took off,hoping his patients wouldn't try to sue him. Three years later, the plastic surgeon walked into a bar and saw the three guys,looking pretty good.He decided to approach them and ask how they were doing. He siad, "Hey,aren't you the three guy who got trampled by that elephant? How are you doing these days?" The first guy responded, "Man, I'm great. I feel wonderful, and you wouldn't believe how much my memory has improved. I mean, I can look at a page and recite it word for word back to ya." The surgeon nodded and looked happy that at least one person wouuldn't sue him. He turned to the second guy and said,"You okay? I heard your skin got ripped up pretty badly." "Yeah," said the guy, " but it's better than new now. My skin's so tough you could punch me and I would barely feel it. Yeah, I'm a prizefighter now. I'm goin for the heavyweight championship." That's two who won't sue, thought the surgeon. He asked the third guy how he was doing. "I'm doin real good,man," the third man replied. "Got a great sex life, but there's just this one problem..." The surgeon got nervous at this point and hoped that it wasn't a bad problem. "What seems to be the problem?" he asked. "Well," said the guy, "whenever they start passing out peanuts at parties, I always get thrown out." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Vancouver Sun October 5, 1995 Even computer geeks can hit funny bone By: John Dvorak People are always asking me about the Internet. "What good is it besides E-mail?" Well, the World Wide Web has appeal, but the great appeal to many comes from the amazing jokes and gags that appear on the net day after day. I expect to see a slew of O.J. Simpson gags this week. Anyway a couple of funny, yet poignant jokes came recently and I thought I'd share them with you. These jokes on the Internet are classified as urban folklore and worth collecting or rewriting and re-posting. They tend to be a collective effort with seldom an author. The first is a classic from the colleges. It's called the Engineers vs. the Math Majors. This is typical of the joke style. On the train to a math and engineering convention, there was a bunch of math majors and a bunch of engineering majors. Each of the math majors had a train ticket. The engineers had only one ticket for all of them. The math majors started laughing and snickering. Then, one of the engineers said "Here comes the conductor," and then all the engineers went into the bathroom. The math majors were puzzled. The conductor came aboard and said "tickets please" and got tickets from all the math majors. He then went to the bathroom and knocked on the door and said "ticket please" and the engineers stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor took it and then the engineers came out of the bathroom a few minutes later. The math majors felt stupid. So, on the way back from the convention, the group of math majors had one ticket for the group. They started snickering at the engineers, for the whole group had no tickets. Then, the engineer lookout said "Conductor coming!" All the engineers went to one bathroom. All the math majors went to another bathroom. Then, before the conductor came aboard, one of the engineers knocked on the other bathroom, and said "Ticket please." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- This lady always wanted an expensive car -- a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. She scrimps and saves, goes to the dealer, and plops down several years income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced, kick-ass, dream mobile. She's driving off. Decides she wants some music and searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA. She fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up. Can't find the damned thing. Furious, she races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman. Tells him they forgot to install the radio. He assures her it's right there in front of her. It's hooked into the onboard computer. All she has to do is tell it what she wants. He demonstrates: "Classical", he says *click* the car fills with the sounds of Paganini. "Blues", he says, and *click* a B.B. King classic plays. She drives off amazed. "Country", she says, and *click* a Tex Ritter tune comes on. "Folk" *click* Joan Baez sings about the night they drove ol' Dixie down. "New Age" *click* Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on. She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much attention to the road. Another driver runs a light and cuts her off. "ASSHOLE!!!" she screams. *click* "Good morning, everyone. You're listening to the Rush Limbaugh Show." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A friend in the Nutrition School at Tufts was one of the lucky passengers onboard a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during hurricane "Bob". The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use. When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the intercom. "Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it? But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston." After a short pause and several clicks "Jesus Christ - whatta bitchin' ride? Boy - I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job, right about now." As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her, "Don't forget the coffee!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Recording - "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline." If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two bikers enter the Pearly Gates following their deaths in a road race accident. As they cruised into Heaven they heard the sound of a Yamaha 650 flat-tracker blaring its way around a mile oval. As they peered over the fence they saw the familiar yellow and black leathers of the factory (AMA) Yamaha Team and saw the famous #1 plate. Another observer was also watching, and the 2 started to stutter out comments such as "is it really him?" The observer turned to them and said "naw, its only God pretending He's Roberts". ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- When his company fell on hard times, the boss realized he'd have to lay off one of his two middle managers, although both Jack and Jill were equally dedicated to their jobs. Unable to decide which to fire, the boss arbitrarily decided that the first to leave his or her desk the next morning would be the one to get the ax. The next morning, Jill was sitting at her desk, rubbing her temples. Asking Jack for some aspirin, she headed for the water fountain, and that's where the boss caught up to her. "I've got some news for you Jill," he said. "I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off." "Jack off," she snapped. "I have a headache." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A computer scientist is someone who, when told to "Go to Hell," sees the "go to," rather than the destination, as harmful. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. They tested 100 men by giving them 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy." --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here's one more to get the week started. Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you." Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so", says the guy, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------