A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky from the Journal of Irreproducible Results, Vol. 36, No. 1 As scientists and concerned citizens we applaud the recent trend towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics. Our suggested list of warnings appears below: WARNING: This product warps space and time in its vicinity. WARNING: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the universe including the products of other manufacturers with a force proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional to the distance between them. CAUTION: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight. HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This product contains minute electrically charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million miles per hour. CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle" it is impossible the consumer to find out at the same time both precisely where this product is and how fast it is moving. ADVISORY: There is an extremely small but nonzero chance that through a process known at "tunneling" this product may spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at any random place in the universe including you neighbor's domicile. The manufacturer will not be responsible for any damages or inconvenience that may result. READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to certain suggested versions of the grand unified theory the primary particles constituting this product may decay to nothingness withing the next four hundred million years. THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the unlikely event that this merchandise should contact antimatter in any form a catastrophic explosion will result. PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any use of this product in any manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the universe. Although no liability is implied herein, the consumer is warned that this process will ultimately lead to the heat death of the universe. NOTE: The most fundamental particles in this product are held together by a "gluing" force about which little is currently known and whose adhesive power can therefore not be permanently guaranteed. ATTENTION: Despite any other listing of product contents found herein the consumer is advised that in actuality, this product consists of 99.9999999999% empty space. NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The manufacturer may technically be entitled to claim that this product is ten-dimensional, however, the consumer is reminded that this confers no legal rights about and beyond those applicable to three-dimensional objects. Since the seven new dimensions are "rolled up" into such a small "area" that they cannot be detected. PLEASE NOTE: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when the consumer is not directly observing this product ti may cease to exist or will exist only in a vague and undetermined state. COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The subatomic particles (electrons, protons, etc.) comprising this product are exactly the same in every measurable respect as those used in the products of other manufacturers and no claim to the contrary may legitimately be expressed or implied. HEALTH WARNING: Care should be taken when lifting this product since it's mass, and thus it's weight, is dependent on its velocity relative to the user. IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The entire physical universe, including this product, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small space. Should another universe subsequently re-emerge the existence of this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed.