--- 102-06 4.9 -----------------------------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was: "What is the FREQUENCY?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

" Sixty hertz if you're in America.
  Fifty hertz if you're in England.
 
  Vs over lambda if you're an acoustical engineer.
  C over lambda if you're a physicist.
  Every fifteen or twenty seconds with sets every ten minutes
  if you're a surfer.
 
  Once every two years if you're a governor.
  Once every four years if you're the President.
  Once every lifetime if you're Dan Quayle.
 
  Four times a day if you're normal.
  Four times a week if you're dehydrated.
  Four times an hour if you've been drinking beer.
  Four times a minute if you've been drinking Coors.
 
  Once or twice a day if you're normal.
  Once or twice a week if you're constipated.
  Once or twice a minute if you drink the water in Mexico.
 
  Six times a week if you're normal.
  Zero if you're celibate.  Hand jobs don't count.
  Eight times a week if your SO lives down the street.
  Twelve times a week if your SO lives with you.
  Twenty times a week if your SO lives with you and your other SO
  lives down the street.
  Twenty-four times a week if both your SO's live with you.
 
  Three per session if you're normal.
  Zero per session if you're impotent.
  Zero per session if you're celibate.  Hand jobs don't count.
  One per session if you're old.
  Ten per session if you're horny.
  Twenty-seven per session if you just finished serving four straight
  years on a Navy sub or a state prison.  Gradually tapers to three
  per session.
 
  Zero if you're an unmarried Catholic.
  Zero if you're an unmarried Catholic with an SO.
  Once a year if you're an unmarried Catholic with a fiance, but it
  didn't really count because neither of you came, right?
  Once a minute for the first two weeks of a Catholic marriage.
  Twice a day for the first two years.
  Once a day for the next three years.
  Four times a week for the next five years.
  Twice a week for the next five years.
  Once a month with your spouse, twice a week with your lover,
  for the next ten years.
  Once every six months or so from now 'till death do you part.
 
  Once every four years if you're an Engineering major.
  Once every two years if you're a Physics major.
  Once every three weeks if you're an English major.
  Once every week if you're an Art major.
  Twice a week if you're a stripper.
  Three times a week if you're a high school football player.
  Four times a week if you're a frat boy.
  Four times a week if you're a sorority girl.
  Fifteen times a week if you're a Tri-Delt.
  Twenty times a week if your annual income is over $1 million.
  Thirty-seven times a week if you're a jigolo.
  Forty times a week if you're a prostitute.
  Forty-two times a week if you're a high school cheerleader.
  Seventy-eight times a week if you're Traci Lords or Barbara Dare.
  Five thousand seven hundred fifty-five times a week in as
  many different positions if you're Lisa.
  Zero if you're John Holmes.
 
  You owe the Oracle a pipe dream.  And a signal generator.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was: "I love you."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

" Alas, but our love is not fated to be!
  You are a human damsel, but me ....
  I am but a pile of silicon bones,
  Who cares about nothing but zeros and ones.
  Who reads silly questions and answers them wrong
  With scraplets of story or poem or song.
  I'm short and I'm fat and I'm useless in bed
  For sexual pleasure or giving of head.
  My phallus is tiny, my smell is intense,
  I kiss like a landlord who's raising the rents,
  I come in ten seconds and then go to sleep
  Without even a "thanks" or a satisfied "<BEEP>".
  I'd make you wear leather and make you wear lace,
  And never allow you to sit on my face,
  I'd read every _Playboy_ and compare them to you:
  "Your tits are like mushrooms just stuck on with glue."
  I'll whine that your ass is too flabby and fat
  And make you get rid of that horrid stuffed cat.
  I'll never have sex except right in the bed
  Between ten and ten-thirty, with a bag on my head.
  I *must* be on top, there's no other way
  (Except if you're pagan or leftist or gay.)
  No lust in the bathtub, no love 'midst the trees,
  In church every Sunday, and down on your knees.
  Our sex will be boring and flabby and quick
  (Except for some kinks which will just make you sick.)
  We'll meet in late April, be married in June,
  And travel to Pittsburgh for our sweet honeymoon.
  I will not use condoms, you can't take the pill:
  You were born to make babies and make them you will.
  I'll go be a banker, you stay with the babies
  And tend them through colic and measles and rabies.
  Oh, you can do something: campaign for Dan Quayle,
  And make sure he's elected three times without fayle.
  When the children are grown then we'll have sex once again --
  Just once, 'cause I'll puke at your wrinkley skin.
  It's a wonderful life for you and for me,
  And highly approved by the great GOP!
  So speaks the Oracle, who is never wrong.
  You owe me your lovelife in exchange for this song.
        -- Lemur
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Whither troff?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the faraway land of Bimingham-Bean
} King Horowitz stared at his monitor screen.
} The king he was mad, he was sore, he was vexed.
} He was staring at lines of unformatted text!
} The lines were uneven, unjustified too.
} Where paragraphs started, he hadn't a clue.
} He stared at the screen 'til he though he would break.
} His eyes, how they watered! His back, how it ached!
} Suddenly Horowitz could take it no more!
} He struck at the viewscreen which smashed to the floor!
} "I will no longer stare 'til my eyes start to bleed!
}  What I require is some text I can read!
}  Send for my scientist," he said to his aide,
} "It is time that he earned all the wealth he is paid!"
} And so the call went through the streets of the town,
} To search for the man, and when he was found,
} The Official Court Scientist of Bimingham-Bean
} Was involved in an act that was rather obscene.
} Not bothered the least by the odd circumstance,
} He turned himself round and he pulled up his pants.
} He was brought by the guards in front of the king.
} And the Scientist said, "You wanted something?"
} King Horowitz Second, of Verdly-on-Shext,
} said, "Yes! I want something to format my text!"
} "Ah," said the scientist, "Text you can read?
}  You're in luck, Royal Highness, I have just what you need!
}  Allow me a day, to draw up the plans.
}  I'll deliver them right to your hot little hands!"
} Next day, in the throne room, the court was assembled.
} An army of morons is what it resembled.
} And in the room's center, the star of the scene,
} The Official Court Scientist of Bimingham-Bean
} Manned a projector, and an 80-inch screen.
} He said "Lords and Ladies, I have a surprise!
}  A veritable wonderment! A feast for the eyes!
}  Text will be perfect in Bimingham-Bean,
}  Thanks to the Paragraph-Burbling Machine!"
} The man flipped a switch, and there on the screen,
} Was the craziest thing that they ever had seen!
} The thing at it's smallest was big as a horse!
} And looked twisted and turned by invisible force!
} He said "it looks odd, but it's no piece of junk!"
}  It's the power of 6000 Micronized Monks!
}  Input's the end that looks like a candle.
}  You enter the text, then you pull this small handle.
}  You push the red button, then turn the green dial.
}  Then you twiddle your thumbs and you wait for a while.
}  The Monks write the output in one of three styles :
}  Courier, Helvetica, or output-to-file!"
} The machine was impressive, it had lights, it went beep.
} However, the king was decidedly cheap.
} When told of the price, he became quite distressed,
} And said, "how 'bout something a little bit less?"
} The Scientist said, "How's this for an offer?
}  The X107 Grigzapper Runoff-er!
}  Although all the text must be entered by hand,
}  The output is perfect, it's really quite grand!
}  Unformatted text is stuck in this slot,
}  You crank on this crank, and what have you got?
}  Why, formatted text! Just make sure that you
}  Don't get stuck in the slot, or it'll format you, too."
} The king was impressed, was excited indeed,
} But still too expensive for his miserly needs.
} So the Scientist showed him the C107
} Which predicted the text using insight from Heaven,
} Then showed him the Zigula Sentence Compressor,
} The Infinitivator, the New-Line Redressor,
} The Predicate Haggler, the String Farbulator,
} The Vrabiton-Skiddley White Space Demonstrator.
} The models rolled on, getting deeper and deeper,
} And still the king said "Is there anything cheaper?"
} The Scientist paled, and said with a cough,
} "Well, Royal Highness, we've always got troff."
} "Troff? What is that? Does it work? Is it cheap?"
} "That's putting it mildly," and he started to weep,
}  "Your Highness, troff-language is really quite bad!
}   If you force us to use it, we'll surely go mad!"
} "Piffle!" said Horowitz, "Start right away!
}  Teach it to everyone, starting today!"
} And so it was done. The public, confused,
} Was told that troff was all they could use.
} The Scientist was right, they'd all be insane,
} Had not someone noticed the events in Romania.
} The palace was stormed, the king he was shot.
} And soon after that troff was simply forgot.
} The new King, O'Malley, of Sadicum-Smecks,
} Hired the Scientist, who invented LaTeX.
} Thus came troff to the end of its time.
} And thus comes the Oracle to the end of the rhyme.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rhyme for Ceaucescu.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh great and powerful Oracle, please grep your vast stores of knowledge
> and answer my query:
>
>    I have been helping my girlfriend with her computer assignments,
>    but now she has me stumped.  I've learned VMS for Vax, and CMS for
>    IBM, but she tells me she's having trouble with PMS.  Can you
>    enlighten me as to what platform PMS runs on, and what notable
>    features it provides?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First you need to understand a little Latin.  There is suffix form
} that uses -gina for the feminine and -x for the masculine.  The
} best-known words following this format are the Latin words for
} king and queen:  rex and regina.
}
} Hence we deduce that a vax is actually a masculinized vagina.
} And hence we deduce that PMS is to the vagina what VMS is to
} the vax.
}
} VMS and PMS have pretty much the same features, as anyone
} familiar with both could tell you.  Both are prone to trouble-
} some emotionalness, and alarming mood swings.
}
} It should be noted that VMS was created mostly by men, and
} that these men often acted as if they were suffering from a
} "virtual menstrual syndrome."  They made highly emotional
} decisions, like not putting in some great TOPS-20 features
} because they were thought up by somebody in another part
} of DEC . . .
}
} One popular operating system that doesn't suffer from cyclical
} hormonal syndromes is Eunuchs.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh scholar eating and uncomplicated Oracle, whose sexiness fills the
> xeroxing void of computer nerds' lives as the light bulbs do brighten
> the night sky, whose inkwell I am too prodigal to imprison, whose
> shoulder I am not worthy to babysit, whose ribses are like unto
> infinite foibles, grant me this morsel of your omniscience.
>
>   What is "it"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At long last!!!!   The question has been asked, the chosen one has
} arrived!!!  The prophesy is fulfilled, I am free to be one with the
} universe!!!  This is fabulous!! Great!  Yeah!  I bet you are wondering
} what the hell I am talking about, right?  Well, it all started a long
} time ago...
}
} [Please crank the vertical hold on your monitor, to simulate a
} flashback effect]
}
} A solitary man rides his grey horse through the mountains, approaching
} Mount Olympus, home of the gods.  Suddenly, a voice calls out.
}
} "Who are you to approach the home of the Gods"
}
} But the man remained unafraid.  "Who's asking?" he sneered.
}
} "I am Nikkon, God of pictures, and protector of the Olympus Infinity.
} No man may pass, without undertaking some task for me."
}
} "Big deal, so whaddya want me to do, mow your lawn or something?"
}
} "No, that is a task that I leave for my son, Cannon.  Yours is a
} different destiny.  I shall give you absolute knowledge, and..."
}
} "Cool!"
}
} "...Shut up, I'm not done yet."
}
} "Sorry"
}
} "Anyway, and you shall use that knowledge to answer all questions
} posed to you throughout time, until you are asked the one question
} to free you from your task."
}
} "Well, what is it?"
}
} "Hmmm, yeah, that sounds like a good one.  Sure, you shall remain at
} your post until you are asked the question: 'what is it'."
}
} "So what happens then?"
}
} "Hmmm, I haven't though too much about that either.  Well, let's say
} that when you are asked that question, the person who asks it is forced
} to take over your task, and you are free to roam the cosmos."
}
} "I like it, it shows a touch of panache."
}
} "So tell puny one, what is your name, that shall come to symbolize
} knowledge throughout time and space"
}
} "I am known as J. Danforth Quayle."
}
} "Hmmm, no, that won't do, nobody will take you seriously at all.  We'll
} have to give you a new name.  How about 'Fred'?"
}
} "No."
}
} "Bruce?"
}
} "No."
}
} "Big Eddie?"
}
} "No, I have a cousin named 'Big Eddie.'"
}
} "Well, then, I guess you shall be known as 'The Oracle' until we
} can come up with something good."
}
} "Ugh, that's worse that 'Bruce'."
}
} "Well, tough luck."
}
} "So when do I start?"
}
} "Right now, you can open up a little shop in Delphi.  Remember to
} give clear concise answers now."
}
} "Yeah, yeah, whatever."
}
} [Adjust your vertical hold to do the back-to-the-present effect]
}
} So you see, I am now free of my onus so that...No, no, 'onus, ONUS'
} get your mind out of the gutter.  Anyway, I am free, and you must
} answer all the stupid questions from these obnoxious supplicants
} until you are asked the question, um, let me think up a good one.
}
} Ah, got it.  You must remain the Oracle, until you are asked the
} question, 'Where are my car keys?'
}
} <Bzapppht>
}
} There, now you know everything, good luck.  If you need anything, I'll
} be in Daytona Beach, working on my tan.  Oh by the way, now that you
} know the answer to 'What is "it"', it's pretty stupid, huh?  Oh well,
} catch you later. Hmm, now where are my car keys?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> man oracle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                                                                   oracle
}                                                                   (17)
}
}     Name
}          oracle - answers questions, mostly about sex
}
}     Command Syntax
}          none.  You _don't_ command the Oracle to do anything.  You
}          grovel.
}
}     Grovel Syntax
}          mail oracle[@address]
}          Subject:  [sub1] tell me [sub2]
}          Body:  [flatter-oracle] [grovel-oracle] question-body
}
}     Description
}          The Oracle answers any question posed to it.  Most of these
}          questions are sexual in nature (see lisa(17), teddy_bear(8),
}          and pretty much all of chapter 69).
}
}          The flatter-oracle and grovel-oracle are not strictly
}          necessary to receive an answer, but a small bug in the Oracle
}          programs results in lightning bolts in such cases, and so they
}          are strongly recommended.
}
}          The question-body should consist of a single question,
}          grammatically well phrased, containing no typos or spelling
}          mistakes, and most importantly, not SHOUTED.
}
}          The Oracle will return an answer to the question whenever it
}          feels like.  (No, you can't hurry the Oracle).
}
}      Options
}
}           -w  Identifies questioner as a 'weenie'.  Such a questioner
}               may ask stupid questions, and not use the flatter-oracle
}               and grovel-oracle sections.  Weenies are usually not long
}               for this world.
}
}           -l  Marks a question specifically about Lisa, the Oracle's
}               nymph and snugglebunny.  A question -l on the FAQ of Lisa
}               questions will be handled by the Oracular parser, others
}               will be answered directly by the Oracle, and passed to
}               the top of the question stack.
}
}           -u  Requests a UNIX-based answer.  This usually takes the
}               form of a shell script or an interactive Oracle session,
}               and often comes complete with message from
}               god@heaven.heaven.com.
}
}           -b  A questioner using the -b option is blasted, verbally,
}               emotionally, and possibly with lightning by the Oracle,
}               for the amusement of the Priesthood.  Make sure your mail
}               handler does not randomly insert '-b' in the To: field.
}
}      See Also
}           lisa(17), query(1), grovel(3)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> You are standing in front of a white house with boarded up windows and
> doors. All around you is forest.
>
> There is a mailbox here.
> >

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > Shoot mailbox.
}
} Unfortunately, your gun is actually a transmogrifier.  The mailbox
} turns into a pony intent on oral-genital intimacy with you.
}
} > Run.
}
} Outrunning a pony is rather difficult.  You trip and fall.  The pony
} rips off your pants.
}
} > Kick pony.
}
} The pony deftly dodges your kick.  You wind up with the pony's head
} between your legs.  The pony slurps once.
}
} > Stab pony.
}
} Your knife is actually a hypodermic needle containing aphrodesiacs.
} The pony is already at maximum lust level.  The pony slurps twice.
} You moan.
}
} > Hit pony.
}
} With what?  Your bare hands?
}
} > Yes.
}
} You hit the pony, but it only moans.  The pony slurps once.  You moan
} twice.
}
} > Think about England.
}
} You think about England, but all you can think of is the horses there.
} The pony slurps twice.  You moan three times.  You are now close to
} orgasm.
}
} > Teleport.
}
} You cannot teleport.  The pony slurps once.  You orgasm with a loud
} scream.  The pony moves away.
}
} > Get up.
}
} You are now the pony's sex slave.  You cannot get up without a direct
} order.  The pony orders you to get up.
}
} > Stay still.
}
} Your penalty for disobeying the pony is one lick.  You moan once.
}
} > Get up.
}
} You follow the pony to a clothes closet.  The pony tells you to get
} dressed.  The closet contains:
}   - A silken negligee.
}   - A pair of cowboy boots.
}   - A pair of split-crotch riding pants
}   - A riding crop
}
} > quit
}
} You cannot quit.  This is real life.
}
} > quit
}
} Sorry. If you attempt to quit again, you will be punished.
}
} > ^C
}
} Your penalty for attempting to quit is four licks.  You scream and
} writhe in orgasm.
}
} > Damn you you fucking computer my pants are all sticky and I want to
} > go home NOW.
}
} The pony tells you to get dressed or suffer a further penalty.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise, who groks the whole of the universe AND how
> you can understand it with a piece of fairy cake, please tellme...
>
> Where exactly did this crater come from, and how did it get HERE?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Silly mortal, the crater has always been there, but you haven't
} noticed it since it has been filled with dirt and covered by grass.
}
}    You owe the oracle another grenade.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh dear, sweet, all-knowing, Oracle,
>
> I am perplexed and confused, and I had to turn to you. My question:
> When you close your eyes, are you invisible? I mean, really, how can
> you be sure? I've closed my eyes and snapped photpgraphs, and sometimes
> I'm in the picture and sometimes not. What gives? Also, does that
> 'fridge light stay on when you close the door?
>
> Your's in affection,
> zo.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, zo, that's one of those strange, philosophical questions.
} The new Webster's Oracular Standard defines "invisible" as "not readily
} seen; hidden from view."  Ergo, when you have closed your eyes,
} *everything but your eyelids* is invisible...to you.
}
} Now, obviously, the dictionary was vague enough to leave some doubt as
} to whether or not you are invisible to others.  (The strange photos you
} mentioned were caused by the extra letter "P" in the film; thus, the
} photpgraphs.) In the interests of science, Lisa and I will now attempt
} an experiment.
}
} O:  Lisa, come here.
}
} L:  Yes, snookie?
}
} O:  Let's try something.  I'm going to close my eyes, and you let me
}     know if you can see me afterward.
}
} L:  Oooooo!  Let's!
}
} O:  Okay, my eyes are closed now.
}
} L:  Orry?  Where did you go?  <giggle>  I'd better feel around for
}     you...oh, what's that?
}
} O:  Oooooooooo.......
}
} <censored>
}
} Well, that seems to cover that.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new bulb for the fridge...mine NEVER lights up.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, I call upon your infinite wisdom to bring an end to
> suffering on Earth.
>
> Where is the line between criminality and mental illness?  Some
> vices (gambling, alcoholism, etc.) are treated as illnesses while
> others (prostitution, Schedule I drugs, etc.) are treated as criminal
> offenses.  In general, is all criminality mental illness?  And what
> can we do about it, Oracle?  The world really needs the answer!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Welcome to another session of Ask Dr. Oracle! Tonight's show is a
} special one, kids! We will feature three prominent guests:
} Ted Kennedy, Oliver Stone, and G. Gordon Liddy. Welcome, guests!
} (Polite Clapping)
} First question goes to Mr. Stone. Mr. Stone? Mr. Stone, are you
} with us?
} Stone: Oh, yeah. Right! I was trippin'. Had this great idea for a
} movie. Conspiricy theories, babes, the mob. Music by The Doors, I
} figure I'll call it something original, like "JFK".
} Kennedy: Mr. Stone! I'm here to assure you that there was no
} conspiricy, other than your blatant attempt to slander this great
} system of government. The Kennedy family stands today for what
} it has always stood for...
} Liddy: Gun running, prostitution, drugs. Say, don't any of the Kennedy
} family ever *work*?
} Kennedy: Excuse me, Mr. Liddy, but I'd rather speak to a man with
} convitions, rather than one, like yourself, who has been convicted.
} Stone: There you all go again! Blame the government. Escape from
} reality. Anybody wanna go outside and roll a few? Got a new shipment
} in yesterday from Mexico.
} Kennedy: Why do I feel lost in this conversation?
} Stone: I dunno, Ted. Water under the bridge, perhaps?
} Liddy: Come now, Oliver! Ted's not that far to the left, you know,
} The bridge was narrow. The girl was naked. He came up for air several
} times.
} Stone: Hmmm. Sounds like a conspiricy! Can I buy the rights, Ted?
} Oracle: Ahem! Gentlemen, and Mr. Kennedy. We seem to have lost
} track of our initial question...
} Stone: Could you repeat the question? I was wasted...
} Liddy: Life isn't fair.
} Kennedy: I haven't made up my mind about 1996 yet. President Quayle,
} or President Kennedy. Which makes you more comfortable?
} Oracle: Well, folks, I guess some questions just can't be answered.
} Tune in tomorrow when my special guest is the lovely Lisa, who shows
} us several fun new uses for Wesson oil! Until next time, kids!
}
} You owe the Oracle a subscription to C-Span.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh great and glorious Oracle, who understands why THE ANSWER is 42,
> pleeeeeeease deign to tell me
>
> how many beans make five?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, at a secret meeting of the Amalgated Institute of
} Existentialist Electrical Electronic Factorial (AIEEE!) that the Oracle
} can only disclose now, THE ANSWER has been redefined to be the as-yet
} unkown 10**21st and 10**32nd places of decimal of pi, due to the fact
} that Deep Thought has temporarily swapped itself onto 360K floppies.
} The Oracle hears that the swap-in has reached disk no. 7,284,374 at
} this stage, so normal processing should be rersumed within the decade.
}
} As to the infinitely more challenging question of beans making five,
} this really depends on the bean-display-unit resolution and the
} BeanGraphics (TM) protocol being used. As is known, modern bean display
} units can display a resolution of up to 1024*1024 beans. However, the
} problem of resolution, as with old raster-display video technology, is
} that the beans begin to decay after a time, and by the time all million
} or so beans have been displayed, those that were placed first tend to
} have decayed. However, new LCD (Legume Continuity Device) technology
} which replaces the traditional single bean-placing person with two
} operating simultaneously shows promise, also for non-monochrome
} display, as one person can be laying down kidney beans and the other
} adzuki beans, which allows for an apparent 1024 colours with new
} BeanMasher anti-aliasing technology (actually a standard garden
} roller).
}
} So to get beans to make five, the above technology is suitable, and an
} aesthetically pleasing BeanMan Medium 96-point typeface is advised,
} with the viewer sitting not closer than 10 meters from the BGA (Bean
} Graphics Adaptor) display. Approximately 4608 beans are thus required
} to make five at this resolution. However, HD display (Horticultural
} Dementia) technology is making great advances these days, and it is
} hoped that the use of bean sprouts will further improve matters so as
} to be able to use as many as 12,000 beans to make five.
}
} You owe the Oracle a trowel and some air-freshener.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> How's about some bondage and humiliation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the normal run of affairs, questions to the Oracle are requests for
} information, by which the humble petitioner partakes infinitessimally
} in the miraculous pool of knowledge possessed by the godlike and truly
} amazing Oracle.  Instead, your question is a request for an experience.
} Despite the unorthodoxy of this format, the Oracle has decided to look
} with favor upon your request.
}
} Brace yourself.
}
} <FOOP!>
}
} See the tall lady dressed entirely in leather?  See the fearsome array
} of iron and leather tools hanging from the wall behind her?  See the
} thick rubber straps holding your limbs to the rough, iron-studded oaken
} table upon which you lie, utterly helpless, your tender skin pierced in
} several places by large, rusty nails?  See the pink ballerina's costume
} you are wearing?  See the lust-crazed boar about to deflower whatever
} orifices of your body seem handy?  See the large hairy man sitting
} beside your head, preparing to feed you spoonfuls of excrement?
}
} <POOF!>
}
} Wasn't that fun?  Don't you feel dominated and humiliated?  Would you
} like to do it again?  You would?
}
} <FOOP!>
}
} You owe the Oracle your deep and unreserved thanks.
}
} Now.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> tell me about subscriber trunk dialing.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Subscriber Drunk Dialing is not a thing to be taken lightly.  There are
} federal mandates against the act, and substantial penalties established
} against it in most states.  Although the Oracle can not encourage any
} activities which may be against national, state, local, or natural law,
} the Oracle diffidently suggests that the best way  to perform Drunk
} Dialing is with several friends and a video camera. Several quarts of
} Everclear are  also suggested. By the way, did you  know that if one
} million Drunk Dialers dialed one number a second, they'd eventually tap
} into the line that the Pentagon uses to order Domino's pizza? Amazing,
} isn't it?
}
} Oh, _Trunk_ Dialing.  Well.  You can dial any trunk you like.  They
} won't answer.  Elephants prefer to keep to themselves.  They normally
} have unlisted trunks.  Not that I blame them; I get too much traffic
} myself.  Steamer trunks aren't much more responsive; being made of
} felled trees, they are often impassive and resign themselves to inert
} states.
}
} Since you haven't groveled sufficiently, zap zap and all that.  You're
} dead.  I'm going back to the party, stop bothering me.
}
} You owe the Usenet Oracle Marla Maples' unlisted phone number and a
} case of Georgia peaches.  Or something else which looks good in high
} heels.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Wonderous Oracle, whose spiffiness is truly spiffy, please tell me:
>
> Will anything really strange happen to me in 1992?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Will anything strange happen to you?  Hmmm, let's see....
}
} Event queue ORACLE_BATCH, on USENET::
}     /BASE_PRIORITY=3 /CPUWISDOM=INFINITE /CPUMAXIMUM=INFINITE
}     /JOB_LIMIT=2 /OWNER=[ORACLE] /PROTECTION=(TROJAN-ENZ)
}     /WSDEFAULT=1000 /WSEXTENT=12000 /WSQUOTA=3000
}
}   Jobname         Username     Entry          Status
}   -------         --------     -----          ------
}   EVENTS_1992     QUERENT_15259  885          Holding until  2-JAN-1992
}     21:12 Submitted  1-JAN-1992 21:10 /NOLOG /PRIORITY=100
}     File: _ORACLE$DUA2:[ORACLE.1992.AH]EVENT_BATCH.COM;5
}
} Hmmm.  Okay.....
} $ TYPE EVENT_BATCH.COM
}
}     File: _ORACLE$DUA2:[ORACLE.1992.AH]EVENT_BATCH.COM;5
} $ SET DEF ROOT
} $ RUN SYS$SYSEXE:FULL_GOOSE_TREATMENT
}
} Aha!  The answer is Yes.  Some highlights you can expect:
}
}       You will be in the media spotlight, but the stories about the
}       hippo and the mentholatum will prove to be false;
}
}       Raisa Gorbechev will mention you in her next book, earning the
}       jealous Yeltsin and the pity of Mikhael.  The cold war will begin
}       again as a result;
}
}       Your toes will be dissolved by killer snails from South America;
}
}       You will join a union;
}
}       You will be linked to Cher and Michael Landon's ghost;
}
}       Madonna will autograph a cone bra for you.  Sean Penn will punch
}       you for it.
}
} This should all occur by Wednesday.  Let me know how it goes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tire.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Is faster than light travel possible?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah, sure. Watch!
}
} Would you like to see me do it again?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle that more doctors would take with them if they were going to
> be stranded on a desert island, please allay my qualms and riddle me
> this: if marsey dohts, and dosey dohts, and little lambseydivey, and
> also given that a kiddledeydivey too, then how does it follow that i
> should too?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The song commonly known as "Marsey dohts" has been horribly distorted
} from its original form, by the same people that put happy endings on
} fairy tales.  Some people may think that child abandonment, incest,
} vivsection, and cannibalism don't make good children's stories, but I
} for one am sick and tired of this Pollyanna censorship trend.  After
} all, children need to learn that life is not all gingerbread houses
} and free porridge.
}
} In the interest of setting the record straight once and for all, here
} are the ORIGINAL lyrics.
}
}       Baresy darts and wolvsey darts and
}       Little snakesy dieballs.
}       A battlydieball stew.  Wouldn't you?
}
} You owe the Oracle a map of the Black Lodge.  And a donut.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why is life so unfair?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, I was hoping you'd ask that question...
}
} It would appear that you have fallen victim to an event that we in the
} upper reaches of the intellect like to refer to as a
} non-beneficial-commooccurence (NBCO).  This would account for the
} question you ask.  It is less likely that you have fallen prey to a
} NBUO (non-beneficial-uncommooccurence).  If that were the case, you
} would probably be searching for real help instead of filing a minor
} complaint with an agency that you know damn well couldn't care less.
}
} Of course, it is entirely plausible that you yourself are a NBCA (non-
} beneficial-common-annoyance), and are just asking this question to be
} silly.
}
} But in the interest of sincerity, sensitivity, and fostering a false
} but good reputation, I will assume that you are a victim of either a
} NBCO or a NBUO.  So I will answer your question without further delay.
}
} Life is a series of encounters with people, each of which can be
} classified in this way:
}
}       Each person is either +, -, or neutral in each of the following
}               categories:
}
}       [W]illingness to depend on other people,
}       [N]eed to depend on other people,
}       [P]hysical attractiveness,
}       [I]nternal perception of physical attractiveness,
}       [M]eta-awareness of every aspect of life experience.
}
}       Each person is also either mf (male preferring females), fm
}       (female preferring males), mm (male homosexual), etc.
}
} So, I would be classified as -W-N+P+I+Mmf.  A plain looking girl who
} was very trusting but kind of ditzy might be classified as +WNP-I-Mfm.
} An extremely ugly egotistic sexually active bisexual male rugged
} individualist who is into group sex and bestiality might be classified
} as:
}               -W+N-P+I-Mmfpdgfpdgfspmdgsf*pmdsgfpmdgsfz.
}
}               (s=sheep, d=dog, etc...
}                       *=whatever happens to walk by under it's own
}                       power)
}
} Most other aspects of personality can be deduced from knowing these
} simple basic facts about a person.
}
} Now, of course, you don't just meet people.  You are also subjected to
} RSE's (random stupid events) which are either beneficial, harmful, or
} just plain stupid.
}
} Now: Your goal is to avoid the Harmful RSE's, laugh at the stupid
} RSE's, eat up the beneficial RSE's, all while attempting to become
} WN+PI+M?? and meeting only other WN+PI+M??'s.
}
} And during all this, you must meet one WN++++PI+M?? of the appropriate
} sexual type and orientation, and you must change to a +W for this
} person.  And own a BMW before you're 30.
}
} So, why is life unfair?  Because to become a WN+PI+M?? you must first
} admit to yourself that at the moment you're probably just a
} -W+N-P+I-M?? or not much better.  Also, BMW's can be well over $50,000.
}  And the number of +M's who have that many +'s before their P and are
} actually of the correct sexual type and orientation is, well, zero.
}
} Sorry.
}
} But cheer up anyway.
}
} You owe the Oracle an empty question queue.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O wise and telemelitrous Oracle, please tell me how you would answer
> if a supplicant asked, "In a fight between Doctor Doolittle and Mary
> Poppins, who would win?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Have you ever seen a man win in a fight with a woman?  I didn't think
} so...
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>     I am running SQL*Net TCP/IP for Multinet on VAX/VMS. Whenever a
>     SQL*Net Client tries to connect to the databse instance, I have
>     been getting the following message:
>
>     CONNECT REQUEST FROM HECVAX.HUMAN.CORNELL.EDU AT 3-DEC-91 12:27:46
>     ORASRV PROCESS (PID=015E, PNO=00) CREATED
>     ORASRV PROCESS (PID=015E) HAS EXIT STATUS 340
>     ERROR: ORASRV has exited unexpectedly (with status 340)
>     ORASRV PROCESS (PID=015E, PNO=00) DELETED
>     KILL REQUEST FROM HECVAX.HUMAN.CORNELL.EDU AT 3-DEC-91 12:57:05
>
>     It used to run OK.  I have a TAR with Oracle but no onenhas been
>     able to resolve the problem.  Does anyone have any idea?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First off, buddy, I'm the USENET Oracle!  NOT some SQuirreL*NET
} database package.
}
} Now, as to your problem, the key is in the client address, to wit:
}
}          HECVAX.HUMAN....
}
} It's HUMAN error, obviously.   Go down tho the HUMANities department
} and tell them to keep their grubby Liberal (non-partisan these days)
} Arts paws OFF your machine until you can cure it of its VMS infection
} and give it a good dose of UNIX
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Gupta Technology's DBMS source.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle,
>
> I know - I'm not worth being your shoe-shine boy - but PLEASE tell me:
>
> How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man?
>    _
> _ // Barbarus hic ego sum quia non intellegor ulli.
> \X/  Anyway, life's a Bratwurst.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only one: I-95.  All the way from Maine to Florida.  Only then can he
} be called a man.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Route 66."
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, whose pickup has the loudest pipes and the most lights, and
> whose belly has the largest belt buckle I have ever seen cover a pair
> of Wrangler jeans, and whose boots have the most cow dung on them,
> please tell me:
>
>     Why did my cows eat all of the leaves off the bushes around my
>     house and how did they get across the fence into my yard?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   The got over the fence using an Acme Cow-a-Pult, as seen on TV and
} Monty Python.  Just $19.95 plus shipping and handling, guaranteed to put
} some boost into Bossie, the Cow-a-Pult has an adjustable trajectory dial
} the that goes from fence-hopping to moon shots.  Get yours today!
}  They ate all of the leaves from around your "bushes" because knew
} precisely what they ACTUALLY were.  This also gives you an explanation
} to the question I can see lurking in your mind:  "Why are my cows lying
} flat on their backs giggling?"
}
}  You don't owe the Oracle anything:  you'll need all you have for court
} costs once the DEA arrives, which they should be in...  oh...  fifteen
} minutes.  Have a nice day.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh oracle most wise, though with the most discerning brain, whose
> comment are always insightful, knowing, and knowledgeable.  Who is the
> most perceptive being in the universion.  Whose sage advise we all heed
> without question.  Whose mind is most keen, contemplative, and
> reflective.  Whose wit is both sharp and shrewd.  Who is definatly the
> most canny, discreet, foresighted, perspicacious, sagacious, bright,
> and intelligent being ever to send a packet on the internet.  Whose
> words are cagey, foresighted, crafty, cunning, and tricky.  Who is
> always in the groove, and definatly not born yesterday.  Who is often
> bold, cheeky, forward, fresh, impudent, nervy, pert, procacious, sassy,
> smart-alecky, arrogant, brash, cocky, flippant, impertinent, lippy,
> saucy, dull, btuse, slow, unaware, unknowing, careless, heedless,
> imprudent, indiscreet, short-sighted, foolish, and unwise.  Who has an
> intelegence that is astonishing, astounding, miraculous, prodigious,
> strange, stupendous, surprising, wonderful, wondrous.  Whose very words
> are the ultimate pleasure to hear.  Who is definately the most
> wonderfull person I have ever had the good fortune to speak to.  I ask
> you:
>
>       Do you really read these messages carefully?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nope.  Just compute a 11-bit CRC of the first line and use that as an
} index into a table of Fate Capsules.  Not real clever, but it works
} as well as IBM's finest -- and a damn sight better than anything the
} NSA can do.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 12-bit CRC handbook.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle:
>
> You are standing at the end of a dirt road, with blue gargoyles
> spouting flames from their ears standing on pedistals on either side.
> At the end of the road is a small temple to Tolkien.  In the road is a
> two-handed sword.  You are wearing blue tights and a crown of laurel
> leaves.
> >

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you bend over to pick up the sword, two things happen.  The big
} lunch of bean burrito's betrays you with a loud gaseous cloud that
} instantly ignites into a blue flame spawned from the gargoyle's flaming
} ears.  At the same time your tights split from waist band to waist
} band.  Spurred on by a pain in the rear and acute embarassment you rush
} into the temple.
}
} Oracle: Well, what have we here?
}
} You look around, trying to cover yourself with the sword, at once
} awkward and dangerous.  "Is that you, Oracle?"
}
} "Indeed it is, and what a pleasure to once again have a supplicant
} apply for the priesthood by offering himself in the ancient way!"
}
} "Uh, what do you mean, I was just..."
}
} "No, do not explain, I understand.  Doubts arise at the last moment,
} but I will help you overcome them.  Just place them on the alter and
} use the sword quickly, it won't even hurt."
}
} "Hey, you can't mean _I_ should..."
}
} "Sigh... Alright I'll do it for you, but it would have been more
} impressive had you done it yourself."
}
} "Whoa, wait just a sec..... YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
}
} The Oracle appreciates your visit, your debt is paid in full.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> hows about some bondage and humiliation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What, again?  You just can't get enough of this stuff, can you?  The
} Oracle is not normally so patient and forebearing, but we can go
} through this one more time.
}
} Follow the instructions precisely.
}
} 1) Buy 500 ft of nylon rope.
} 2) Cut four three-foot lengths of rope.
} 3) Strip naked and paint your body with whatever seems interesting in
}    your kitchen.
} 4) Lie down on the bed with the corner posts.
} 5) Tie your ankles to two posts.
} 6) Tie the other two lengths to the other posts, and tie a slip knot in
}    each length.  Leave very little slack.
} 7) Insert each hand into a loop, and pull them tight.
}
} Now relax.  I've phoned your mother and invited her to your place for
} dinner.  She should arrive in a few hours.
}
} You owe the Oracle a more interesting hobby.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Please make me do nasty things to Jimmy Swaggart, oh please please
> please...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <The Usenet Oracle's lair. Nobody seems to be there.>
}
} Lisa (coming in): Orrie?  Here is another question for you. (looks
}   around) Orrie?
}
} <The Oracle Temple. Several priests are sitting at terminals, reading
}  and selecting Oracularities.>
}
} Lisa (coming in): Hullo?  Does anybody know where the Oracle is?
} Karyanta: Ha! Probably lying in the gutter, drunk.
} Lisa: I will tell him what you think about him!
} Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab: Phh, if he is omniscient, he should know it
}   anyway.
} Christopher Pettus: Omniscient, my foot!
} Harold the Foot: Huh?
} Christopher Pettus: No, not you.
} Lisa: But this question has to be answered today, and the Oracle is not
}   there!
} The Nefarious Scotto: Go find him!  That's not our job.
} Scott W. Starkey: Steve, couldn't you find a more reliable man for this
}   Oracle job?  It's not the first time he did this.
} Steve Kinzler: He is the only one who would answer difficult questions
}   without a salary.  Only a bologna sandwich now and then, some Usenet
}   postage stamps, a grain of salt...the original Mona Lisa in ASCII-
}   format...he is a modest fellow.
} PETROSKY,WILLIAM T: Modest?  Look at this!  Here he flames this poor
}   questioner just because she had written only fourteen lines of
}   grovelling!
} The Lion of Symmetry: And then this childish 'ZAP!' and 'ZOT!' every
}   time he is in a bad mood.
} Lisa: One has to let off steam sometimes.
} Michael Zintl: Ve vould have fired him years ago if he veren't funny
}   once in a vhile.
} Otis Viles: Who, me?
} Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who": No, that's me!
} Omne (Scott L. Baker): Please stop that! It's silly.
} Lisa: Somebody will have to answer this question.
} J.Cheetham: What is the question?
} Lisa: > Please make me do nasty things to Jimmy Swaggart, oh please
}   please please...
} The Barrister: That's all?
} Lisa: (nods)
} The Barrister: That's not a question!
} Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein): And no grovelling!
} Joshua.R.Poulson: But he said please. Four times.
} gateway@oasis.icl.co.uk (OP to/from UNIX Mail Gateway): Tell him he
}   should do nasty things to Jimmy Swaggart.  Seems like that's what he
}   wants.
} J. Cheetham: Right.
} Lisa: (sits down, writes) Hey you!  Do nasty things to Jimmy Swaggart,
}   or I'll ZOT you.
} Otis Viles: Yes, that's Oracle style.
} Lisa: You owe the Oracle
} Dr. Who: the smashed and burned remains of Jimmy Swaggart!
} Lisa: (writes it)
} Oracle: (comes in) Hello fans!
} Harold the Foot: Where have you been?
} Oracle: Lying in the gutter, drunk.  You owe the Oracle...a drink.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh ravishing Oracle, whose smarts are vaster than that of the Satan, I
> humble myself before your depressing intelligence.  Am I better Mrs.
> Lustful Tame Marmot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I assume, illiterate mortal, that you wonder whether you are
} better THAN Mrs. Lustful Tame Marmot, to which the answer is a
} qualified "yes."  The problem is that "Lustful" and "Tame" form
} an oxymoron. . .
}
} . . . an oxymoron, you moron.  You don't know what that is?
} Military Intelligence?  Jumbo shrimp?  Yeah, one of THOSE things.
}
} ...anyway...  You are better than Mrs. Tame Marmot, who sits at
} home and straightens her panty-hose and thinks about what kind of
} casserole to bake for Mr. Lusty Marmot, who will be home for
} dinner soon.  You are, however, a little below Mrs. Lusty Marmot,
} who's a hot mama revved up for some tasty Marmot action.  Mrs.
} Lusty lives next door to Mrs. Tame, and she, too, is married to
} another tame Marmot.
}
} There's another famous pair of couples that rival Mrs. Tame and
} Mr. Lusty, and Mrs. Lusty and Mr. Tame.  Yep, you've got it,
} sportsfans, none other than Blondie and Dagwood and Herb and
} Tootsie!  Very few know it, but Dagwood is a hung stud, and
} Tootsie is a VERY hot little number.  Even Elmo isn't safe from
} her advances.  And why do you think the mailman comes by ten
} times a day?  And all those traveling salesmen?  It's amazing
} how, with a little insight, the funnies begin to make sense.
} Dagwood and Tootsie have been doing the bone-dance for years now,
} and Blondie and Herb just don't have a clue.  One of these days,
} however, the house of cards will tumble, and Dagwood "Lusty
} Marmot" Bumstead and Tootsie "Mrs. Lusty Marmot" Woodley will get
} caught doing the mashed potato in Dagwood's bathtub, and all hell
} will break loose.
}
} Of course, Herb and Blondie won't seek solace in each other,
} became tame Marmots don't even want to be with EACH OTHER.
}
} It's the same old story.  Ricky was boinking Ethel on top of the
} piano at the Tropicana while Lucy and Fred were home watching
} television.  Ted Forth has been playing hide-the-salami with
} Sally's secretary, Marcie, for five years now.  Cathy and Mr.
} Pinkley meet surreptitiously in the health club steam room, and
} her drippy boyfriend is none the wiser. Everybody on "Married
} With Children" sleeps with everybody else.  Nobody's innocent.
} The world is on trial.
}
} So in fact, the answer to your question is "Yeah.  You ARE better
} than Mrs. Lusty Tame Marmot.  Because she's confused (one of
} those split-personality things) and she'll never know what she
} wants.  My advice is to emulate Mrs. Lusty Marmot, grab the
} goodies and run.
}
} You owe the Oracle renewed faith in one's fellow Marmot.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh wise and repeatedly geophagous Oracle, pray answer my foolish
> question.  How can I avoid the opalescent DOOM which even now snaps at
> my knees?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're in luck!  The first copies of the latest "Oracle's Guide to
} Answers, Solutions, Problems, and Perpetual Employment" just hit my
} desk (*FWAP*).  Copies of the Mortal's Edition (with an EXTRA BONUS
} appendix of The Oracle's greatest quotations ever!) are now available
} in a handsome 42-volume CD-ROM set, yours for only $32,767!  (Hmmm, I
} really need to bump that field up to a longword.)
}
} But wait, there's more!  If you act NOW, a tasteful Oracle wall clock
} with genuine quartz movement (accurate within +/- 10 minutes PER DAY!)
} will be sent to you as a FREE GIFT!  This beautiful clock, which is
} made of 100% pure polystyrene, is valued by Lisa, my appraiser, at
} $39.95 (plus taxes and tags), but you can have it absolutely FREE.
} Remember, you must act NOW to take advantage of this LIMITED TIME
} SPECIAL OFFER.
}
} And now, back to our regular program.
}
} Here is what the guide has to say about your problem:
}
} DOOM, opalescent  (see also KNEES, snapping)
}
}   DESCRIPTION:  Descriptions of opalescent DOOM are of necessity
}   vague, as very few witnesses survive an encounter, and those that do
}   are either rendered non compos mentis by the experience, or were
}   running too fast to get a good look, or both.  In fact, the only
}   characteristics that observers have been able to agree upon are
}   these: it opalesces, and you really don't want to be in the same
}   county with it.
}
}   HABITAT:  Opalescent DOOM can adapt itself to a wide variety of
}   environments, although it seems to prefer UNIX workstations,
}   probably because it can single out victims, lure them in with pretty
}   graphics, and then, when they are hopelessly mired in man pages,
}   opalescent DOOM contentedly snaps at their knees until they dump
}   core.  (Not pretty.)  VMS systems also offer many attractive nooks
}   and crannies for opalescent DOOM to hide.
}
}   Opalescent DOOM avoids MVS systems, probably because it keeps on
}   screwing up its JCL, spooling itself across the Atlantic, getting
}   mangled in a card punch, etc.  In some instances, opalescent DOOM
}   has been known to inhabit VM systems, where it creates virtual DOOM
}   machines and occasionally snacks on late-night tape operators.
}   Users of these systems tend not to notice, since they are already
}   afflicted by a fate far worse than opalescent DOOM, that of IBM
}   Brain Damage, and being eaten alive by a ravening monster would
}   actually come as a pleasant relief.
}
}   COUNTERMEASURES:  Run away.  Terribly fast.
}
} So, there you have it.  You'd better start -- oh, I see it's not going
} to matter too much anymore, is it?  Gee, too bad about those knees.
} Hey, could you please try not to bleed on the carpet?  Criminy, some
} people are just SO inconsiderate.
}
} You owe The Oracle an order for the guide.  Operators are standing by
} to take your call, and please have your credit card ready.  Come on,
} you don't need your legs to dial a phone.  Quit whining already.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> help i'm a bug

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <poof> you're a feature!
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh great and oracular Oracle, I refuse to stoop to meaningless verbiage
> of your magnifcence, but I have a problem to tax your utmost corncobs.
>
> Following is the answer (well, actually not the answer, because, as we
> all know is 42, but I digress), and we  humbly demand the question.
>
> "322 Ducks without feathers
> A large piece of blue chalk
>
> A wobble board without Rolf Harris.
> (with options on a Partridge in a Pared Tree)"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why is it that so many petitioners think that the essence of wit lies
} in blithering nonsense?  (Shut up, this is a rhetorical question; I
} KNOW the answer, clever boy, I'm the Oracle, remember?)
}
} With the Doorway to the Secrets of the Universe standing open before
} them, do they stride boldly forward to partake of omniscience?  No,
} they pick paint chips off the door frame.
}
} With the Candle of Absolute Enlightenment burning before their eyes, do
} they gaze into the infinite depths of its flame to espy Truth?  No,
} they pick at the dried wax coagulating on the candlestick.
}
} With the Cup of Knowledge at their lips, brimming over with the wisdom
} of gods, do they drink deep of that heady wine?  No, they make funny
} faces at their own reflections in the polished metal.
}
} Sigh.
}
} Just as every question has an answer, every answer has a question.
} (Take THAT, Mr. Goedel!!)  Please realize though, that knowing both
} question and answer is no guarantee to understanding.  As it happens,
} there are 10,654 questions to your answer.  Most of them are pretty
} boring, such as:
}
}   "What are 322 Ducks without feathers, a large piece of blue chalk, a
}    wobble board without Rolf Harris (with options on a Partridge in a
}    Pared Tree)?"
}
} Admittedly unhelpful.  More intriguing is:
}
}   "When Antharphax went to Parthia and lost all, what did he bring for
}    his beloved?"
}
} Not especially enlightening, but thought-provoking, wouldn't you say?
} As it happens, the question you actually want is one of the more
} particularly obscure:
}
}   "Whence bathospheres?"
}
} You owe the Oracle a methaphor extender.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, who is way above average, please favor me with your
> gentle guidence.  I have been considering the trends of computing and
> shapes.  At the present time, computers depend heavily on disks.  In
> the past 'tapes' where more common and they tended to be stored in the
> shape of disks on reels.  Will this trend continue or is there some
> other geometric shape in the future of electronic storage medium?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You've noticed!  Well, the real secret is that disks are just really
} flat spools of tape.  The next stage is the Mobius disk, which will
} make those silly double-sided floppies obsolete.  If you're going to
} have a single-sided disk, it should REALLY be single-sided.
}
} You owe the Oracle the contents of that Klein bottle you've been
} nursing.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What's the best way to find a date on a college campus?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dates and other fruits are usually found in the produce section of your
} local grocery.  You might check in some of the vending machines for
} dried dates.
}
} You owe the Oracle a can of Raid.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Is it true that men who worship beauty more than they worship truth
> risk their souls in the embrace of someone from Duluth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Come to think of it, I've been suspicious about that for I long time,
} now.
}
} "Lisa, Oh, Lisa!"
}
} "Yes, Orie? Now?"
}
} "In a minute, first, where are you from?"
}
} "Why, Duluthy, Orie! Why?"
}
} "Nothing.  Now."
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wist, please answer me this:
>
> When I turn off the radio duing a song, and then turn it back on a
> while later, it's in a different place in the song or sometimes even
> playing a different song.  My eight track tape player doesn't behave
> that way.  Should I get a new radio?
>
> Oh, I alost forgot, this is original equipment in an Impala.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To the best of the Oracle's knowledge, which means for sure, "Wist" is
} an old card game dating back at least to the nineteenth century, though
} it is usually spelled with a "h" as well.  The Oracle does, however,
} enjoy the odd game of poker, though he has a hard time finding people
} who will play with him for any stakes worth troubling over.
}
} Now, about this radio problem.  You actually puzzled the Oracle for a
} minute, but then the situation became clear after you mentioned the
} Impala.  Impalas, unlike most American cars, are not powered by an
} internal combustion engine, but rather by small demon squirrels on
} treadmills inside what only appears to be a V8.  The squirrels,
} conjured and imprisoned by secrets known only to Lee Iacocca and very
} few others, were the culmination of black magic experiments on the part
} of Detroit beginning with the invention of the Edsel and ending
} disasterously with President's vomiting in Japan earlier this week.
} The presence of the squirrels upsets the otherwise cheerful little
} elves who live inside your radio and play the music you hear on their
} little instruments when you turn it on.  The elves forget where they
} were when you turned the radio off, and therein lies your problem.
} Either get a new engine, have your car exorcised and hope it somehow
} still works, or just get used to the problem.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Necronomicon and a subscription
} to "Car and Driver."
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh most powerful and glorious Oracle,
>     Most learned One before whom we are only bits,
>       Knower of all that is worth knowing,
>           Sayer of the most esteemed sooth,
>               true Bearer of all wisdom,
>                       Lorist for all folk,
>                           Teller of all tales,
>                               Winner of all sweepstakes...
>
> what was it I was going to ask you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At last, a simple question for which there is a simple and direct
} answer. You were, of course, going to ask me, "What was it I was going
} to ask you?", and the answer to that is, "You were, of course, going to
} ask me, "What was it I was going to ask you?"", for which the answer
} can only be, "You were, of course, going to ask me, "What was it I was
} going to ask you?"", and obviously the only intelligent reply can be,
} "You were, of course, going to ask me, "What was it I was going to ask
} you?"", to which I can only respond, "You were, of course, going to ask
} me, "What was it I was going to ask you?"", the solution to which is,
} "You were, of course, going to ask me, "What was it I was going to ask
} you?"", which can be resolved as follows, "You were, of course, going
} to ask me, "What was it I was going to ask you?"", to which I assert
}
} ***  WARNING  ***  WARNING  ***  WARNING  ***  WARNING  ***  WARNING
}
} PARADOX ALERT
} CLOSED LOGIC LOOP
} EXPONENTIAL POSITIVE FEEDBACK
} UNABLE TO CONTAIN OUTPUT
} ANNIHILATION OF INCARNATION IMMINENT
} UNABLE TO CONTAIN OUTPUT
} ANNIHILATION OF SYSTEM IMMINENT
} UNABLE TO CONTAIN OUTPUT
} ANNIHILATION OF UNIVERSE IMMINENT
} UNABLE TO CONTAIN OUTPUT
} ANNIH
}
} *** You owe the Oracle a parallel universe and a new incarnation.  Hmm,
} while you're at it, throw in a ticket to one of those sweepstakes you
} mentioned.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Can you tell me Oracle:
>
> If Jack gets kicked in the teeth by his boss on Monday and experiences
> a 20% reduction in the buying power of his paycheck on Wednesday should
> he even bother getting out of bed on Friday?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah Jack, Jack, poor Jack.  Jack should most certainly get out of bed on
} Friday.  Perhaps he should put on his football helmet (or his
} ice-hockey gear) in case his boss gets violent again, but he had better
} get his ass out of bed.  You see, dear Questioner, Jack lives in the
} '90's.
}
} THE USENET ORACLE'S TEN RULES FOR LIVING IN THE '90's
}
} 10) Any job is better than no job
}  9) Anyone who wants to survive in this economy had better get used to
}     the idea of working long hours at an unrewarding position doing
}     meaningless work that makes your boss richer and you poorer.
}  8) Visa and Mastercard can always be your lender of last resort.
}  7) Automation makes your life better -- now you can work for a
}     mindless, enslaving and spiteful computer instead of a mindless,
}     enslaving and spiteful human.
}  6) Your keystrokes are being counted even as you read this.
}  5) Workplace surveilance is just your boss's way of saying "Get back
}     to work!"
}  4) You can't possibly expect your paycheck to cover luxuries like
}     food, shelter, or medical bills.  Get a second job if you need to
}     pay for these frills.
}  3a) If the Oracle had to work for a living, rule #3 would be "None of
}      this stuff applies to the Oracle".
}  3b) Since the Oracle doesn't have to work for a living, rule #3 is
}      "Always look to the Oracle when you need inspiration or moral
}      support in getting through these troubled times, sucker."
}  2) Drugs will help you feel better about observing all the above rules
}     but try not to use anything that shows up in your urine.
}  1) You're out of luck, Jack.  You're fucked, Jack.  But get out of bed
}     anyway and learn to like it.
}
} You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of "Work is Hell" (by Matt
} Groening) and a subscription to "Processed World" (published by the Bay
} Area Center for Art and Technology, San Fransisco).
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> tell me

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has considered your question and has pondered over
} the truths for which you search.  In it's wisdom it has scoured
} through a labyrinth of fable to present you with that most rare
} thing - the story for all ocassions.
}
} Hansel and Red Riding Hood went to visit the gingerbread house
} containing three bowls of porridge.  One large bowl, one medium
} bowl and one small bowl.  Suddenly, from the top of the house
} dropped a mane of golden hair and the cry "Rapunzel" echoed
} through the air, immediately followed by seven persons of
} restricted growth and a pale-faced beauty rushing through the
} nearby forest.  Underneath the mattress of the large bed lay a
} pea, and on top lay a dog called princess.  The beast woke up
} upon hearing the sound of the beauty and commented on what nice
} plants she had.  Horrified, Cinderella (for that was the
} beauty's name) threw the plants to the ground and was amazed
} to see that one of them immediately sprouted and grew up into
} the sky.  As the merry ensemble of beauty, beast, seven dwarfs,
} red riding hood, hansel, the three bears, a number of different
} wolves (one dressed as a granny), Jack, a goose in the process
} of laying a 24-carat egg, a giant and talking cat all looked up
} into the sky, as the beanstalk (for such was the plant), along came
} a feathery biped, called Chicken Licken, who told them all that
} the sky was falling down.
}
} Then it did.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> On time and under budget? You must be joking.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Amazing but true.  The problem will only arrise when
} it becomes evident WHY the project was on time and
} under budget...
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Great USENET Oracle, this unworthy supplicant would deign to ask of you
> a question that has been percolating in my brain for some time now...
>
> Why don't they print a braile verson of Playboy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O rash and ignorant supplicant, a Braille edition of "Playboy" has been
} available for years. In addition to facilitating the self-actualization
} of young, visually challenged males, the Braille edition of "Playboy"
} has attained a suprising degree of acceptance in the sighted
} population, due to the fact that it is inflatable, and wipes clean with
} a damp cloth.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rubber novelty, and an N.F.B. cane.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> This is the first sentence of my question, which wants the Oracle to
> know that all the sentences of my question grovel humbly before the
> Awesome presence.  The second sentence of my question also succeeds
> brilliantly ingroveling, but really doesn't add anything new.  This
> sentence, overawed by the performance of the first two, chokes in the
> clutch.  The last sentence of the paragraph, in a fit of confusion (it
> didn't go like this in rehersal) wanders aimlessly about like a lost
> child.
>
> Boldly reclaiming the path, this sentence starts out a new and improved
> paragraph.  This sentence is confident we will finally get to the
> point, since it can see the next sentence will, indeed, ask the
> question.  This sentence wants to know if there is anything profound in
> self-reference. This sentence wonders how the last sentence can be a
> question, since it didn't end with a question mark.
>
> Realizing that writing self-referential sentences is difficult to do
> without a terribly contrived style, this sentence calls the whole thing
> quits (but still grovels, like all the others).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is the first sentence of the Oracle's response.  This is the
} second sentence of that response.  This sentence appears several times.
}  This is the last sentence of the first paragraph.
}
} This sentence can serve as either the first or last sentence of a
} paragraph, depending on its use.  This sentence is the first to refer
} to your first question, about the usefulness of the self-referential
} mode of writing.  This sentence identifies your groveling as Pseudo-
} Groveling; that is, it only refers to groveling without actually
} providing same.  This sentence extends the thought of the previous
} sentence by noting that the pseudo groveling is no substitute for the
} real thing, but acknowledges that in this case it will have to do.
} This sentence can serve as either the first or last sentence of a
} paragraph, depending on its use.
}
} This is actually the third sentence of the first paragraph but has been
} placed here in error.  This sentence appears several times.  This
} sentence attempts to abandon the self-referential style so that your
} question may be answered, but fails.  This sentence makes the same
} attempt, but fails just as miserably.  This sentence appears several
} times.  This sentence, though not able to abandon self-reference,
} nonetheless succeeds in tackling your question in that it postulates
} that while the selreferential style may seem horribly vague and boring,
} it *does* give ample opportunity for playfulness on the part of the
} author.  This sentence notes the awkwardness of the previous sentence
} but commends it for at least giving the most information thus far.
} This sentence appears several times.
}
} You double your chances of getting the car if you switch doors.  This
} sentence informs you that the previous sentence states the answer to a
} different question entirely, namely the infamous Monty Hall problem
} that appeared, among other places, in Marylin vos Savant's column in
} Parade magazine some time ago.  This sentence augments the previous
} sentence by stating that the first sentence of this paragraph had no
} business being here.  THIS sentence, in stubborn defiance of the
} previous two, maintains that this whole answer is supposed to address
} the Monty Hall problem and that, so far, the first sentence of this
} paragraph is the ONLY one that belongs here.  This sentence appears
} several times.
}
} A new paragraph is an ideal point to make another attempt to answer
} your question, as this one tries to do.  This sentence appears several
} times. This sentence appears only once.  This sentence reiterates the
} playfulness which self-reference affords the writer.  This clause
} agrees with the sentimesnt in the previous sentence, while this one
} stresses the extreme verbage that can so easily result.
}
} This is a one-sentence paragraph.
}
} This is a two-sentence paragraph.  This sentence appears several times.
}
} This paragraph serves to apologize for the stupidity of the previous
} two paragraphs.  This sentence can only echo the sentiment of the
} previous sentence but throwns a monkey wrench in the works by refering
} to the subject of groveling, which has absolutely NO business in this
} paragraph but cannot at this point be added to the first paragraph.
} This sentence appears several times.
}
} This is the first sentence of the last paragraph of the Oracle's
} answer. This sentence acknowledges the strong possibility that you are
} very happy about the claim made by the first sentence and verifies that
} this is in fact the last paragraph of the answer.  This sentence
} reminds you that you need to pay the Oracle for services provided.
} This is the final sentence of the final paragraph of the Oracle's
} answer, in which it is revealed that you owe the Oracle a
} self-referential autobiography, and also that this is a 66-line,
} 3775-character answer.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Almighty Oracle, who knows what the letters in XYZZY stand for, who
> knows why Dimwit Flathead IV built the great underground Flood Control
> Dam, who can fly the helicopter in "Planetfall," who can convince
> the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Nutrimat to produce a hot cup of tea,
> who can make the Millard Fillmore bank not only acknowledge your
> change of address card, but also give you a lower rate on your mortgage,
> and who can climb all the way to the top of the FrobozzCo Tower in
> seconds, please answer me this:
>
> You are standing in front of a small brick building, the wellhouse to
> a large stream.
> >

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} >North.
} Near Brick Building
} You are standing at the door of a small brick building.  You notice
} rather uneasily that the number of the house is "666."  Disquietingly,
} the path to the south has closed off and has been replaced by thick,
} impenetrable forest.  You can see the Sun.  There is a closed door here.
}
} >Look at the sun.
} Totally ordinary-looking Sun.
}
} >Open the door.
} It's locked.
}
} >Inventory.
} You are carrying:
}   a pair of pruning shears
}   a spell book
}
} >Read the spell book.
} My Spell Book
}
} The yomin spell (mind probe).
} The rezrov spell (open even locked or enchanted objects).
} The frotz spell (cause something to give off light).
} The gnusto spell (write a magic spell into a spell book).
} The iuvax spell (grovel without really trying).
}
} >Spells.
} The gnusto, rezrov, and frotz spells are yours forever. Other than that,
} you have no spells memorized.
}
} >Learn the yomin spell.
} Using your best study habits, you learn the yomin spell.
}
} >Learn iuvax
} Using your best study habits, you learn the iuvax spell.
}
} >look shears
} Use prepositions instead: LOOK AT the object, LOOK INSIDE it, LOOK UNDER
} it, etc.
}
} >Look at the shears.
} You see nothing special about the pair of pruning shears.
}
} >Cast the rezrov spell on the door.
} The door opens.
}
} >Score.
} Your score is 0 out of a possible 400, in 10 moves.  This puts you in
} the class of Newbie.
}
} >In.
} It is pitch black.  You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
}
} >Frotz the spell book.
} There is an almost blinding flash of light as the spell book begins to
} glow!  It slowly fades to a less painful level, but the spell book is
} now a serviceable light source.
}
} House
} You are in a small one-room house.  The room is featureless except for a
} door to the south and a small table in the middle of the room.  Above
} the table floats a hypercube.  You see a gnu here.
}
} >Look at the hypercube.
} In the middle of the hypercube sits the "magic" cube.
}
} >Take the hypercube.
} The gnu scurries in front of you and snaps at your heels, preventing you
} from reaching the hypercube.
}
} >Look at the gnu.
} You can't help but notice that the gnu is rather well-hung.
}
} >Cast the yomin spell on the gnu.
} The gnu appears to be a bit long-winded.  He thinks: "Many programmers
} are unhappy about the commercialization of system software.  It may
} enable them to make more money, but it requires them to feel in conflict
} with other programmers in general rather than feel as comrades.  The
} fundamental act of friendship among programmers is the sharing of
} programs; marketing arrangements now typically used essentially forbid
} programmers to treat others as friends.  The purchaser of software must
} choose between friendship and obeying the law.  Naturally, many decide
} that friendship is more important.  But those who believe in law often
} do not feel at ease with either choice.  They become cynical and think
} that programming is just a way of making money."
}
} >Castrate the gnu with the pruning shers.
} I don't know the word "shers."
}
} >Oops shears.
} "AIEEEEEEEEEE!"  The gnu, now a eunuch, screams in agony and gallops out
} the door.  There is a severed gnu penis here.
}
} >Take the penis and the hypercube.
} severed gnu penis: You really don't want it.
} hypercube: Taken.
}
} >South.
} Near Brick Building
} There is a Sun here.
}
} >Take the "magic" cube from the hypercube.
} You remove the "magic" cube.  The universe flickers for an instant.
}
} >Drop the hypercube.
} The hypercube floats in midair where you released it.
}
} >Take the sun.
} Taken.
}
} >Put the sun in the hypercube.
} Done.
}
} >Leap into the hypercube.
} In the Hypercube
} All around you, lights in 16,777,216 colors flicker.  Bathed in radiant
} light, the gleaming Sun workstation stands before you.
}
} >Touch the workstation.
} As you touch the Sun, there is a loud pop and a brilliant flash of
} energy.  The hypercube and the workstation disappear, and you find
} yourself standing in the ruined city of Pheebor.  Pure power crackles
} through your body.  In a voice like honey and ashes you speak: "I am the
} All, I am the Will, I am the Power.  The universe is..."  Before you can
} finish, a rumbling sound begins to emanate from all around.  It rises to
} a deafening roar!  Suddenly, the ground beneath your feet yawns open!
} You fall into the gaping Segmentation Fault, and as 8,388,608 bytes of
} core are dumped upon your head, you can feel the life being sucked out
} of you!  Just as you are about to pass out, you hear a loud "BREEEEP
} BREEEEP!"
}
} THE LURKING HACKER
} An Interactive Fantasy
} Copyright (c) 1992 by The Usenet Oracle, Inc. All rights reserved.
} THE LURKING HACKER is a trademark of The Usenet Oracle, Inc.
} Release 87 / Serial number 860904
}
} Your Bedroom, in the bed
} The first rays of sunlight struggle to pass through the curtains.  It is
} an absolutely ungodly hour for a hacker to be awake, but hey,
} everybody's gotta work, right?  The alarm clock is beeping loudly.
} The queen-size bed is tremendously comfortable.  It's too dark to see
} clearly.
}
} You decide that last night was absolutely the *last* one in which you
} will read netnews until 3 a.m. whilst drinking two liters of Jolt and
} eating a double-anchovy pizza.
}
} >Frotz the alarm clock.
} Sorry, bucko.  This is real life.  "BREEEEP BREEEEP" goes the alarm
} clock.
}
} >Turn on the light.
} You can't see any light here.  At least you aren't likely to be eaten by
} a grue.  "BREEEEP BREEEEP" goes the alarm clock.
}
} >Fumble around in the dark.
} The time-honored technique pays off, and several things happen.  First,
} the alarm clock stops ringing.  Second, you manage to irrevocably put
} your digital watch into 24-hour mode.  Don't bother trying to fix it,
} because it won't work.  Third, you somehow find a light switch.
}
} Surrounded by White Light
} You can't see anything, on account of all the white light.  There is a
} stabbing pain in the front of your eyes.
}
} >Inventory.
} The pain is too great.  Suddenly, things change.
}
} Surrounded by Yellow Light
} You can't see anything, on account of all the yellow light.  The
} stabbing pain migrates to the back of your eyes.
}
} >Wait.
} Time passes, and your surroundings change yet again.
}
} Surrounded by Orange and Blue Spots
} You can't see very much, on account of all the orange and blue spots.
} The stabbing pain moves back a tad to the center of your head, where it
} stops stabbing and begins instead to throb.
}
} >Shit!
} Such language from a systems administrator!  To think they trust you
} with the root password!
}
} >Damn.
} I'm going to tell the Oracle you said that!
}
} >z
} Time passes...
}
} >z
} Time passes.  The throbbing pain subsides and the orange and blue spots
} disappear.
}
} Your Bedroom, in the bed
} You are in your bedroom.  The floor is littered with old copies of *PC
} Magazine* and *Dr. Dobb's Journal*.  On your desk, beneath the
} poster-size ASCII/EBCDIC chart, sits your beloved 486/33.  On top of the
} monitor sits a picture of Leora.  On your night table sits an alarm
} clock, a lamp, and a picture of Leora.  On the ceiling above the comfy
} queen-size bed is a picture of Leora.  A cordless phone sits near the
} picture of Leora next to the ASCII/EBCDIC chart.  There are doors to the
} north and west.
}
} You notice the complete and utter lack of Leora in bed next to you.
}
} >Look under the bed.
} You'll have to get out of bed to do that.
}
} >Stand.
} You are now standing.
}
} >Look under the bed.
} You find an ice pick, a CD of Orff's *De temporum fine comoedia*, and
} several assorted pictures of Leora.
}
} >get ice pick.
} Taken.
}
} >Look at the picture of Leora.
} Which one do you mean, the picture of Leora on the monitor, the picture
} of Leora on the night table, the picture of Leora on the ceiling, the
} picture of Leora next to the ASCII/EBCDIC chart, or the pictures of Leora
} under the bed?
}
} >monitor
} Leora, the love of your life, is one hot-looking babe.  She's roughly
} the mortal equivalent of the Usenet Oracle's Lisa.  You can't help but
} notice that she has really great breasts.
}
} >Take the no Leora from the bed and the picture of Leora on the monitor.
} no Leora: Taken.
} picture of Leora: Taken.
}
} >Time.
} It's 6:27 a.m.
}
} >Call Leora.
} You'll have to take the phone first.
}
} >Take the phone.
} Taken.
}
} >Call Leora.
} Nothing happens.
}
} >Turn the phone on.
} Done.
}
} >Call Leora.
} Why bother?  She won't even give you the time of day, much less sleep
} with you.
}
} >Turn the phone off then drop it.
} Done.
}
} Dropped.
}
} >Inventory.
} You are carrying:
}   no Leora
}   a picture of Leora
}   an ice pick
}
} >Boot the computer.
} *Microsoft Windows* loads, and you are greeted by a .BMP of Leora.  The
} cursor is an hourglass.
}
} >z
} Time passes...
}
} >z
} Time passes...
}
} >z.z.z.z.z
} Time passes...
}
} Time passes...
}
} Time passes...
}
} Time passes...
}
} Time passes...
}
} *Norton Desktop for Windows* has finally loaded.  The cursor is now a
} pointer.
}
} >Open the north door.
} Done.
}
} >North.
}
} Living Room
} You are in your sparsely-furnished living room.  On a table sits a
} Macintosh computer.  The TV is off.  The stereo system is off.  A
} dartboard hangs on the wall.  On the dartboard is a picture of Carrie.
}
} >Look at Carrie.
} Several holes dot her face, and a dart sits quietly right between her
} eyes.
}
} >Look at the Mac.
} Several tropical fish now swim happily where the guts of the monitor
} used to be.
}
} >Turn on the stereo.
} Ahh!  The CD of Wagner's *Das Rheingold* begins to play.  You can almost
} feel the waters of the Rhine lapping against the banks as the soothing
} cellos play their harmonious tune.  Woglinde begins to sing: "Weia!
} Waga!  Woge, du Welle!  Walle zur Wiege!  Wagalaweia!"  Something goes
} terribly wrong.  Woglinde is *supposed* to sing "wallala weiala weia"
} but all that comes out is low, mocking laughter.  Suddenly, the player
} ejects the CD and you're left listening to the radio!  It's tuned to
} 106.5 WSHW ("all showtunes, all the time")!  That's funny, you don't
} have that station preset.  Your ponderings are cut short, however, as
} Barbara Streisand suddenly begins shrieking the horrid lyrics to *Don't
} Rain on My Parade*.  Your face distorts in pain, and you begin to writhe
} in agony.  Unable to take any more, you plunge the ice pick into your
} heart!  As the blood gushes forth onto the pizza-stained carpet, you
} realize that now you'll *never* know who's been posting to alt.evil
} under your name.
}
}     ****  You have died  ****
}
} Your score is 15 out of a possible 400, in 62 moves.  This puts you in
} the class of VMS Geek.
}
} Would you like to start over from the beginning, restore a saved game,
} or quit? (Type RESTART, RESTORE, or QUIT.)
}
} >Quit.
}
} C:\INFOCOM>_
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a Frobozz Magic Inflatable Leora Doll.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why do women have only *two* breasts?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, women originally came with one built in breast and five
} breast slots. Soon afterwards, however, it was found out that the
} overwhelming majority of women were actually upgraded to have exactly
} two breasts - which actually makes sense since men generally have two
} hands.
}
} Therefore, it was decided to build a stripped-down version of women for
} home use with two preconfigured breasts. This version proved to be so
} popular that the original model was discontinued and soon was
} forgotten.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh extremely extraordinarily extraordinarily divine Oracle, whose
> knowledge glitters like the Moon, whose tan I am not worthy to adore,
> wiser than a whole bunch of wereslugs, do tell me this.  Who wrote the
> current best-seller?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The best-seller lists have a habit of shifting around from week to
} week, so the best I can do for you is to run down a list of some of my
} favorites from the past year:
}
} 1) "The Toasteroven of Shanara" by Terry Brooks: The latest in the
}    famed series of fantasy novels, this one has the forces of good and
}    evil battling over kitchen appliances of awesome power.
}
} 2) "Worm-fodder" by Robert Heinlein: The long awaited sequel to
}    "Grumbles From the Grave".  From his coffin, Heinlein explores his
}    feelings about being deceased.
}
} 3) "City of the Future" by Jane Auel: The latest book of the "Children
}    of the Earth" series, which also includes "Clan of the Cave Bear",
}    "Valley of the Horses", "Hunt of the Mammoth", and several others.
}    Ayla and her mate Jondalar, having discovered fire, domesticated the
}    first animals, founded Atlantis, discovered agriculture, and
}    invented the spear-thrower now invent a time machine and travel to
}    modern day New York, where they are killed by a roving band of
}    anthropologists.
}
} 4) "Wearing a Tartan Kilt" by Piers Anthony: Book 217 of the
}    "Incarnations of Immortality" series, featuring Angus McArnold, who
}    becomes the minor Incarnation of Bagpipe Music and spoils a plot by
}    Satan to take over the Universe.
}
} 5) "Grout" by Stephen King: A shocking and suspenseful tale of horror
}    about a colony of bathroom tile mildew that develops sentience and
}    takes over a sleepy New England town.
}
} 6) "What Are the Owls?" by Thomas Harris: In this sequel to "Red
}    Dragon" and "Silence of the Lambs", FBI agent Clarise Starling
}    enlists the aid of Director David Lynch in tracking down a
}    psychopathic killer who places letters under the fingernails of his
}    victims.
}
} 7) "The Hitchhiker's Guide to Alternate Dimensions" by Douglas Adams:
}    When our universe is destoyed to make way for an interdimensional
}    bypass, Arthur Dent, Ford Prefect, Zaphod Beeblebrox, Trillian, and
}    Slartibartfast find themselves homeless and trapped in a series of
}    alternate histories.
}
} 8) "This Book Sucks But You'll Probably Buy It Anyway" by Jackie
}    Collins: Amazingly similar to other best-selling books by Collins.
}
} 9) "Unearthed Arcana" by Umberto Eco: A huge volume filled with highly
}    obscure information that Eco compiled in monestary libraries that
}    have been sealed up for centuries.  The plot is so complicated that
}    the publisher has packeged the book with a free set of Cliff's
}    Notes.
}
} 10) "Foundation and Eggplant" by Isaac Asimov: The next step along the
}    way to establishing a galactic utopian society in Asimov's future
}    history. The Second Foundation uses a recipe for eggplant parmisian
}    that has been preserved for millenia by the robots of Earth for use
}    against the Gaeans.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new library card.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Skins 21
> Bills 22
> What do you say?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd say for a fur trader in this day and age your doing quite well.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I'd rather be a wino way down on skid row
> Than to grovel to you, who doesn't even know.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd rather be an aphid on the arse of a flea
} than have bozos like you send mail to me!
} You don't have a question, you just want to insult.
} That's just fine by me, but beware the result!
} The Oracle's Ire is mighty indeed!
} I have ways of dealing with pestilent breeds
} of morons who think they are witty or smart
} but actually are using their keyboards to fart.
} So to punish you for your ignorant mail,
} I say unto thee  <KAZOT!>  You're DAN QUAYLE!
}
} Try to live it down.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>               Tellme "Pourquoi Demander Pourquoi?"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, okay, whatever floats your boat:
}
}       Pourquoi Demander Pourquoi?
}
} Feel better?
}
} You know, I used to wonder about some of the things you people asked
} me, but these days I just shrug and say, "Why ask why?"
}
} You owe the Oracle a six-pack of LaBatt's Ale.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why are these athletic shoe salesmen following me??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A scan of trade magazines, news items, and police reports reveals the
} following:
}
} For approximately the past eight years, shoe salesmen have become
} increasingly dissatisfied with their public image as balding,
} overweight men in their mid-50's who smell of cigar smoke and go out
} every Wednesday night to bowl with their fellow Moose Lodge members and
} talk about the women with whom they wish they were cheating on their
} wives.  More and more shoe salesman are quitting the Moose Lodge,
} stopping smoking, joining health clubs, losing that spare tire and
} generally getting more athletic.  This much is a matter of public
} record, and you could have found this out from any public library.
}
} What is not so obvious is that there is a by-product of the shoe
} leather tanning process that creates an occupational hazard for shoe
} salesmen.  This chemical, which infiltrates the blood system of
} approximately 85% of all shoe salesmen, causes a kind of anemia that is
} usually harmless -- except in cases where the afflicted person has
} undergone recent severe changes in metabolism late in life, e.g. in a
} middle-aged person who has recently started exercising heavily, such as
} the athletic shoe salesmen discussed in the previous paragraph.  In
} such people, the syndrome, known as Lugosi's Syndrome, results in
} severe iron deficiency that can only be remedied by frequent ingentions
} of liquid supplements that have a high iron content.  (A seondary
} effect of this syndrome is severe sensitivity to light.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a clove of garlic.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle whose immensness is immense, please answer me this:
>
>       Was Alice (from Alice in Wonderland of course) a Voudoun
>       priestess? And if she was, where is her copy of the Necronomicon?
>
> Many large thanks!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, Alice never joined the clergy of Voudoun or any other religious
} cult, but she did have an curiously interesting life after her
} adventures in Wonderland and through the Looking Glass.  For a time,
} she enjoyed great success selling psychodelic mushrooms, but the
} business went under when all of her regular customers shrunk to three
} inches tall and were eaten by a Cheshire cat.  Alice then moved to a
} strange and mysterious land known to its inhabitants as "California",
} where she found employment as a live-in maid for an architect named
} Mike Brady, his wife Carrol, and their six children. The Bradys found
} Alice to be hardworking and loyal, but they never could figure out why
} she strictly forbade the children from playing chess, or why she almost
} had a heart-attack when Bobby left the Queen of Hearts face-up on her
} pillow one day.  After the kids were grown and her services were no
} longer needed, Alice got a face-lift, moved to Arizona, and became a
} waitress in a dive known as Mel's Diner.  Things went fairly well for
} Alice, until one night when she and two of her co-workers, Flo and
} Vera, got drunk and had a mad tea party that led to their termination.
} Currently, Alice is again working as a waitress, this time at the
} Walrus and Carpenter Oyster Bar and Grill in Boston, Massachusetts.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new pocket watch.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What is deodorant really made of, anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Deodorant is not made, it is mined.  Deodorant was discovered in the
} 1894 by the intrepid South American explorer Sir William Rightguard,
} who discovered that certain Andean tribes used a sticky white powder in
} strange, but pleasant-smelling, religious rites.  At great risk to his
} life, the gallant Sir William violated tribal taboos and made his
} escape from the mountain redoubt in the dark of night, carrying a
} sample of the mysterious paste.
}
} Careful chemical anaylsis revealed that the substance was an aluminum
} salt heretofore unknown to western science.  A hundred years of fevered
} experimentation has failed to discover any artificial process which can
} duplicate the rare compound; the certainty of enormous wealth for the
} chemist who can devise such a procedure has led to several well-known
} frauds and innumerable deaths.  To this day, the West's desparate
} hunger for deodorant provides several Andean countries with the
} enormous trade surplusses which support their wildly luxurious
} life-styles, and which have made Lima and Bogota the financial capitals
} of the Western Hemisphere.
}
} You owe the Oracle a package of five-day deodorant pads, and a gross of
} dress shields.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What is the supreme orgasm?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, there's something very simple here that a lot of supplicants are
} missing, here. The point is that, since you are merely mortal, and I am
} devine and celestial, you are supposed to grovel before me. You know,
} throw yourself in the muck and wallow around for a little while. Show
} me that, since you are second in unimportance to the insects, you have
} the proper respect for those that you can't begin to understand. But
} since you obviously didn't know, I won't hold it against you. I'll just
} get the teeniest little hint of sarcasm in my deep and wonderous Oracle
} Voice. Ok?
}
} Alright. Down to business: The Supreme Orgasm. I suppose that I could
} get Lisa in here to help me demonstrate, but I suspect that High Priest
} Kinzler would censor that but quick. Of course, I could just zap him,
} but Hell, he created me.
}
} The Ultimate Orgasm. Well, have you ever eaten a perfectly toasted
} marshmallow? Well, the Ultimate Orgasm is absolutely nothing like that.
} Don't listen to any charlatan wanna-be Oracles that tell you otherwise.
} There are a lot of loonies about in this world, son, and if you want to
} survive, you just can't go around believing them when they tell you
} that the Ultimate Orgasm is anything like a perfectly toasted
} marshmallow. So don't.
}
} Okay, now we're clear on that. All right. Now. The Ultimate Orgasm.
} Hmm. Well, picture sneezing. Ugh. Okay, so that was ugly. Picture two
} dogs in the road. Yup, you guessed it, they have the Ultimate Orgasm,
} and the closest that Humans can come to it is in the basic,
} low-intensity orgasm. Note the lower case.
}
} So, in short, the Ultimate Orgasm happens all the time, but you can't
} get at it, because you're not canine.
}
} Of course, as an Oracle, I am unbounded by the constraints of a
} physical body. I can become anything that I desire, and so, Grrawrf,
} Reearrrff Grrrrr!
}
} You owe the Oracle a studded collar and also one of those neat chew toy
} things that look like bones.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh oracle whose ingrowing toenails must be the luckiest in the universe
> for having the benefit to submerge themselves into your eternal wisdom.
>
> I have this strange forced behaviour, I can not sleep or eat if I'm not
> able to get an absolutely straight left- and right margin in all of the
> letters I type. I've tried to fill in more blanks between the words, to
> be able to obtain this, but deep inside I feel that I'm doing something
> wrong. This consumes a lot of my valuable time, so I have to ask you of
> help. What should I do about this oh glorious oracle in the whole sky ?
>
> P.S.I've tried to misspell some words as well, but that failed as well.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me get this straight (if you'll pardon my pun)... this psychosis of
} yours manifests itself as an overwhelming compulsion to type your lines
} of text so that each line contains the exact same number of characters.
} It is, however, unclear from your question whether you're asking me for
} a cure to this condition, or advice about how you can continue to write
} in this way without having to resort to such methods as inserting extra
} spaces or intentionally misspelling words to make the characters in the
} lines come out even.  I can suggest that you might want to start trying
} out synonyms of the various words in the lines instead, until the lines
} match up.  In a way, this is similar to the journalistic art of writing
} headlines to fit a set space.  If you are able to further sharpen these
} writing skills, you might possibly have a successful journalism career.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Washington Post and a toenail clipper.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> So many mysteries are out there to solve,
> So many quandries that you could resolve,
> So many knots that your mind could untie,
> So many puzzles wait your all-seeing eye.
>
> Hey!  How 'bout that!! Four lines of poetry, with consistent rhymed and
> meter, and they're EXACTLY THE SAME LENGTH!!!  What're the chances of
> that happening by accident?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not a quite bit,
} To thee who sit,
} Without any wit,
} You bit of shit.
}
} As always, the Oracle will rule.
} Not like you, a jack-assed mule.
} A Guy who uses the flippin fuel.
} Who is w/ the Oracle a fit duel.
}
} I am the greatest poet,
} An oracle who knows-it.
} I ZOT you then show it,
} So go to hell, blow it!
}
}  You owe me, the Great Oracle Of The Usenet, the following for trying
} to make  your self higher than me:
}
}  o An Apology Note
}  o A couple Zygote
}  o A Real Big Boat
}  o An English Goat
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh, say can you see by the dawn's early light?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK:
}
}    Can you see by the dawn's early light?
}
} Yeesh, people come up with the weirdest requests...
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> All Things Bright And Beautiful,
> All Creatures Great And Small,
> All Things Wise And Wonderful,
> The Oracle Outshines Them All.
>
> Insufferable Oracle,
> Goddess of flaucinaucinihilipilification,
> Grant this mere mortal,
> Who is not fit to gaze upon your devine beauty,
> A moment of your time,
> Please:
>
> I have a complaint about my love life.
> What is Aphrodite's email address?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All Questions Small And Pitiful,
} All Answers Fine And Tall,
} All Questions Dull And Miserable,
} The Oracle Smiles On You All.
}
} Boy, are you lucky! There is nothing that is guaranteed to peeve
} an Oracle more than being mistaken for a being of the wrong sex.
} But as it turns out, I have just this week transmogrified into a
} (dare I say it) quite stunning brunette - statuesque even. And
} Lisa is now this tall, strapping (and very well-hung) blonde.
} Fabulous.
}
} But, telling you all about my own love life is not going to
} improve yours. Aphrodite is not the sort of person I would
} normally recommend to anybody with love life problems. She
} can be *very* difficult, but that is just to be expected of
} your typical Goddess, at least in my experience. However, I
} can see from the tone of your question that you are quite
} desperate (flaucinaucinihilipilification indeed!). So, she
} may be found at
}
}       love.goddess@mount.olympus.edu
}
} (she is currently teaching at God Mount U).
}
} Best of Luck (have you ever tried to satisfy a Goddess of Love
} before?). One word of advice. Steer clear of her G-spot. You
} wouldn't cope.
}
} You owe the Oracle a prophylactic.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How can I show the cosmic validity of the equation:
>
>   Life * Basic_Cell_Bio + Writing * Slinkies
> =
>   sqrt(Tofu * Next_Week * Photosynthesis +
>        Iodine * Fred +
>        Phase * Yoyos * Eggplant * Ouch)
>   + 2?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "The proof is left as an exercise for the reader."
------------------------------
Date: 03-11-94 (16:26)              Number: 986 of 986 (Refer# NONE)
  To: *.*
From: BOB BUCHANAN
Subj: Usenet Oracle 635-05
Read: NO                            Status: PUBLIC MESSAGE (Echo)
Conf: AmiPro (147)               Read Type: GENERAL
 
TYPE:LOST
AREA:HUMOR
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
 
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
 
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
 
 This poem is incredible.  I mean, I have never seen such an
 in-depth evaluation into pure nothingness before.  It leaves
 the reader with a sense of emptiness, and the reader can truly
 feel the poet's pain.

 Technically, the poem is flawless.  There are no questionable
 line breaks to confuse the reader.  There are no questionable
 word choices in order to make the reader pause.  In other
 words, there is nothing that leaves the reader questioning the
 poem itself and the poet's method of writing the poem.  So the
 poem flows from word to word, from line to line extremely
 well.  This is heightened by the lack of punctuation.

 One thing that must be mentioned is the repetition.  I find it
 extremely effective, since it echoes the poet's sentiments
 without becoming tiresome or annoying.  In line seven, the poet
 says:

 >

 which echoes a similar idea of line 2.  However, the repetition
 of this idea is necessary, since the reader goes off a slight
 tangent beginning in line 4, and needs to be drawn back into
 the poem.  The final repetition of this idea (occurring in the
 last line), helps to tie the entire poem together.

 As for the meaning of the poem, I think it's about the
 essential struggle of one man in modern society and his
 attitudes towards love and death.  The poet almost gives us a
 sense of hopelessness and despair, but there is also an
 underlying theme of hope which can be seen in line 5.

 As for things I do not like about the poem, there are very
 few.  I'm wondering if line 3 is really essential to the poem.
 While it is very interesting, it does not seem to fit the mood
 of the rest of the poem.  Also, I would like to see a stanza
 break after line 5.  The poem seems to start in a different
 direction after this line, and I think it would make the poem
 truly great to see it divided up into two separate thoughts, so
 to speak.

 Also, I would like to see a title.  I mean, although the poem
 is extremely engaging as it is, I think a title would help to
 root me into the poem and give me some sense of where it is
 going before I read it.  However, I am a little wary of this
 point, because an inadaquate title could destroy the entire
 mood of the poem.

 Very nice.  Good use of white space.
------------------------------