News Report: Gene Isolated

The startling discovery that affiliation with the Republican party is
genetically determined, was announced by scientists in the current
issue of the journal Nurture. This discovery threatens to overshadow
the announcement by Government scientists that there might be a gene
for homosexuality in men.

Reports of the gene that codes for political conservatism, discovered
after a long study of quintuplets in Orange County, CA, has sent shock
waves through medical, political, and golfing communities.
Psychologists and psychoanalysts have long believed that Republicans'
unnatural and frequently unconstitutional tendencies result from
unhealthy family life -- a remarkably high percentage of Republicans
had authoritarian, domineering fathers and emotionally distant
mothers who didn't teach them how to be kind and gentle.

But biologists have long suspected that conservatism is inherited.
"After all" said one author of the article, "It's quite common for a
Republican to have a brother or sister who is a Republican." The
finding has been greeted with relief by parents and friends of
Republicans, who have tended to blame themselves for the political
views of otherwise lovable people -- their children, friends, and
unindicted co-conspirators.

One mother, a longtime Democrat, clasped her hands in ecstasy on
hearing of the findings. "I just knew it was genetic," she said,
seated beside her two sons, both avowed Republicans. "I just knew
nobody would actually CHOOSE that lifestyle!" When asked what the
Republicans' lifestyle was, she said, "Well, you can just tell from
watching TV, like at the convention in Philadelphia: the loud
outfits, the flaming xenophobia, the flamboyant demagogy -- you know."

Both sons said they had suspected their Republicanism from an early
age but did not confirm it until in college, when they became
convinced it wasn't just a phase they were going through. Despite the
near certainty of the medical community about Republicanism's genetic
origins, troubling issues remain. The article offered no response to
he suggestion that the startlingly high incidence of Republicanism
among siblings could result from the fact that they share not only
genes but also psychological and emotional attitudes, being the
products of the same parents and family dynamics. And it remains to
be explained why so many avowed Democrats are known to vote
Republican occasionally -- or at least known to fantasize about doing
so. Polls show that at three out of five Democrats admit to having
had a Republican experience.

In well-adjusted people, however, this experimentation rarely
outlasts adolescence. Surprisingly, some Republican activists hail
the findings as a step forward rather than as an invitation to more
conservophobia. They argue that since Republicans didn't "choose"
their unwholesome life style any more than someone "chooses" to have
a ski-jump nose, they shouldn't be denied civil rights to which
normal people are entitled. Other Republicans, recalling 19th century
scientific studies that "proved" the mental inferiority of blacks,
find the frenzied search for the biological cause of Republicanism
pointless if not downright sinister.

But for most real Americans, the discovery opens a window on a
brighter tomorrow. In a few years, gene therapy could eradicate
Republicanism altogether. If conservatism is not the result of sheer
orneriness (as many suspect) but is something Republicans can't help
and probably don't even like, there's no reason why we shouldn't
tolerate Republicans in the military, as church leaders or even high
elected office -- provided they don't flaunt their political beliefs.