What Cars Say About Their Owners... *********************************************** - Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars. - Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars. - Acura NSX - I am impotent. - Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires. - BMW 320i - Can you pick me up at the shop on the way to work again? - Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states. - Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesperson. - Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp. - Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating up people. - Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette. - Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis. - Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government. - Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather. - Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well. - Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower. - Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car. - Dodge/Chrysler K car - Shoot me, PLEASE! - Dodge/Chrysler Turbo K car - I'm taking Lee Iaccoca with me! - Fiat - I need therapy. - Ford Escort - I'm a red-headed nanny. - Ford Expedition - I paid a lot for this 4x4, the 4wd wont engage, but its ok cause I dont want to get it dirty. - Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart) - Ford Mustang (pre 80s) - I slow down to 85 in school zones. - Ford Mustang 5.0 (late 80s/early 90s) - I'm in high school - Ford Mustang 5.0 (current model) - I wish I was still in high school - Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph & change lanes when I pull up behind them. - Geo Metro - Its all my parents would buy me - Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the Fall. - Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the Fall. - Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all. - Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit. - Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming. - Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending. - Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports. - Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year. - Jeep Cherokee - I think I have a real Jeep. - Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Diahatsu Corp. - Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers. - Mercury Grand Marquis - (See Lincoln Town Car) - Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph. - Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole. - Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an 18-wheeler. - MGB - I am dating a mechanic. - Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either. - Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings. - Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List. - Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena. - Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock. - Porsche 911 - I can pick up a molecule with my ass, but can't pronounce Porsche(Pore-sha). - Porsche 944 - I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me. - Range Rover/Land Rover - I paid more, and the 4wd works, but I might get some mud on it and decrease my resale value. - Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchannan is a tad bit too liberal - Saab 900 - I graduated from college and I think I am better than you - Saab 9000 Turbo - I have my masters and I think I am better than you - Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic) - Subaru Justy - Don't leave it out in the rain! - Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car. - Subaru Outback - Look at me, I'm an Aussie! - Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet - Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch The Partridge Family - Volkswagon Cabriolet - I am out of the closet - Volkswagen Corrado - I got tired of the repair bills on my 944 - Volkswagon Microbus - I am tripping right now - Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife Look, even more truth: HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM: - One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago - One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York - One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston - One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California. With gun in lap: L.A. - Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California. - Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy - One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle - One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male - One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male - - One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female - Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado - One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate. - Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male. - Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas - Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida - Two hands on the wheel, driving forty-five in a seventy mph zone in the left lane, with the left turn signal on, and making a right turn: New Mexico resident. - One hand on wheel, one hand on back of interns head: Washington D.C.