Truth in Advertising
by Clive Gibbons

If you've been reading the ads in _Sky and Telescope_ or _Astronomy_ over the
years, it's no secret that some companies make claims that are, let's say, a
bit misleading. To help clarify this problem, I've done a little "reading-
between-the-lines" with regards to "what advertisers say" and "what they really
mean".

What They Say                          What They Mean
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Guaranteed 1/16 wave surface accuracy  Misprint: *wave* should read *inch*

Null-figured optics                    We don't test them

In stock for immediate delivery        Our warehouse is on Mars

Thousands of satisfied customers       Most people are too timid to complain

In business for 62 years               And we still don't know how to ship to
                                       Canada

The ultimate eyepiece                  Until we improve it by calling it
                                       "Super"

Lightweight and sturdy tripod          It's great for detecting earth tremors
                                       thousands of miles away

World's largest portable telescope     World's smallest non-portable telescope

Jewel-like quality                     Has the light grasp of a diamond ring
                                       for about the same price

Another *Meade* innovation             We stole the idea from *Celestron*

It is a difficult double star          It you see two stars, it is wishful
                                       thinking

This is a test for a 4" scope          Use a 10" and maybe you'll see it

An experience observer can detect      If you haven't been observing for at
the star's variability                 least ten years, don't even try it

The colour contrast is striking        One star is white,
                                       the other star is white

The telescope's optics are superb      They magnify atmospheric disturbances
                                       perfectly

The spectrum is unusual                I can't understand it

The cluster has over 200 stars         I counted 25 with a 10" scope

The site offers clear skies            It is 200 miles from the nearest
year round                             civilization

A person with average eyesight can     Over half the world is blind
split this pair

The slightest haze will obscure it     You probably won't see it on the
                                       clearest night