Signs of the Zodiac Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 19) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk. Pisces (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack self-confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their noses a lot. Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a prick. Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamn Communist. Gemini (May 21 - Jun. 20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest. Cancer (Jun. 21 - Jul. 22) You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on Welfare and won't be worth a shit. Leo (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are bastards and spend a lot of time kissing mirrors. Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This shit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional, and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps. Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease. Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You achieve the pinnacle of success because of a total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio people are murdered. Saggitarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Saggitarians are drunks or pot heads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always being fucked. Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken shit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.